


Wake Me

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drama, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Heterosexual Sex, Romance, The Quidditch Pitch: Erotic Couplings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-23
Updated: 2007-08-22
Packaged: 2018-10-27 18:23:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: In the midst of the War, Hermione is kidnapped and held captive as Ron, Harry and Ginny search desperately for her. Hermione and Ron share a psychic connection, with which she tries to help him find her before it is too late.A strong warning for this story, as it does contain the rape of a character and severe psychological trauma.*This is the first story in my Awakenings Series*





	1. Chapter 1- Forcibly Taken

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so any comments you can offer would be greatly appreciated.  


* * *

_Oh God, those lips. She's saying something so insistently, repeating the same words over and over again, but I can’t force my mind to pay attention. My whole world spins in the periphery; silence and stillness are central as I watch her mouth move._

_Suddenly she is touching me, grasping my shoulders. Could this be the moment? Is she finally going to take a step toward me and we can stop this exhausting dance? She is shaking me. I force my eyes to see her whole face, focus on what she is telling me._   
  
“Help me, Ron; Help me, Ron; Help me, Ron!”  
  
Help her? _Why is there terror in her eyes instead of love, desire, yearning?_  
  
I reached out to grab for her, but she disappeared before my eyes as I awakened.   
  
_Fuck, I’m hot and sweaty and it was just a dream._  
  
Trying to shake off the dream, I decided to get a cold glass of water. Maybe a cold shower. _I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want her so badly, but she's like the dream- she feels so real, but so completely out of my grasp._  
  
To satisfy myself that she was safe, I stole quietly off the couch to her bedroom. _Why isn't she in her bed? Why is her bed still made?_  
  
Beginning to become alarmed, I told myself she must be in the shower, though I didn’t hear the water running. Looking at the clock, I realized it's already 11:30 and that I was asleep on the couch for three hours waiting for her to come home. She wasn’t in the bathroom, not in the kitchen, not in Harry’s room- _where is Harry?_ \- not outside on the balcony.   
  
“Hermione? Hermione? Damn it, if you are here, answer me!” _Oh shite, oh shite, oh shite._  
  
With a flick of my wand and a pop I Disapparated from the flat we all share to the Burrow. _She must have come to see Ginny after work and forgotten to owl. I can’t believe she would forget to owl in time like this! Does she want me to have a heart attack?_  
  
“Hello dear, what are you doing here?” As Mum looked expectantly at me, I absentmindedly went to hug her and kiss her cheek.   
  
“Where’s Hermione?”  
  
“She’s not here dear, I imagine she's back at your flat.”  
  
“She’s not there, I’ve been waiting for her. Are you sure she isn’t here?” _Oh shite, oh shite, oh shite._  
  
“No, I haven’t seen her all evening. Maybe she’s with Harry?” Mum said, barely concealing the fear and anxiety in her voice.   
  
“I’ll check at the Ministry next- maybe she decided to wait for him to finish up before coming home. Don’t worry Mum, I’ll owl as soon as I find her.” _You prat, now you’ve worried her for something which- well, which better be nothing._  
  
“Please do. You know I worry so about all of you. Goodbye love.”   
  
Mum disappeared from my sight with another flick and pop. Once at the Ministry, I automatically walked toward Harry’s office, certain they would both be there, getting ready to row with her for not owling me to say she will be late. As my temper began to flare, I walked straight into Harry.  
  
“Sorry mate, I was just coming to see you.” _Where is she?_  
  
“Are you all right? You look like hell. Is it Hermione? Is she okay?” _Oh shite, oh shite, oh shite._  
  
I felt horrified as true panic set in. “You mean she’s not here? She’s not at home, not at the Burrow. I thought for sure she was with you.”   
  
We sprinted toward her office, believing against hope that she will still be there. Her office was askew and immediately I knew something was horribly wrong. Signs of a struggle were everywhere: papers strewn haphazardly; an ink bottle broken on the desk surface; a scorch mark on the wall.  
  
“What the hell happened in here? How long has this office been this way? Where is Hermione Granger?” Harry bellowed at the top of his lungs.  
  
Several people appeared immediately and looked shocked at the state of the office. No one uttered a word.  
  
“I said, what happened here? Where was everyone?”  
  
“We’ve all been here Mr. Potter, working around the clock. I heard nothing at all, nothing…” an employee stammered.  
  
“Damn it, someone must have gotten in here and cast a silencing charm before she even noticed. Oh Merlin, we need to start the search immediately before any more time passes,” I said ferociously. _Don’t panic. Don’t you dare fall apart._  
  
Harry instantly went into Auror mode, barking out orders, running throughout the halls of the Ministry and notifying everyone who can help. “You need to go home and wait for her," Harry insisted. "One of us needs to be there.”   
  
“Over my dead body. If you think I’m going to go home and wait for her, you’re barking mad. I’m not going to sit on my hands, especially since I wasn’t able to help her, save her earlier.” I said the last part quietly, pain breaking my voice. _Please don’t send me home, I’ll die._  
  
“Ron, this isn't the time to be self-deprecating. You couldn't possibly have known that anything would happen to Hermione. Although I’m surprised you didn’t check on her earlier if she should have been home four hours ago. Sorry, I didn’t mean that, I’m just worried. Bloody hell.”   
  
_Don’t lash out, don’t lose your head. You know what you need to do; you do this every time a member of the community goes missing. But this is different. It’s never been her before._  
  
“She’s in trouble Harry, I just know she is. I had a dream about her. I was asleep and she was asking me to help her. She kept asking me over and over again to help her, but I couldn’t wake up and when I did it was too late. They’ve taken her.” My voice broke again. _Don’t lose it. You’ll be no help if you break down._  
  
“Ron, you’ve done nothing wrong, but I need you to go back to her office and see if there is any evidence of what may have happened- besides the obvious. I need to know anything that might tell us where to find her. And then go home. Check one last time and make sure that this isn’t just a horrible mistake. See if there have been any owls with demands or threats. Then come back here and you can lead the sky team, so don’t forget your broom. I’ll lead one of the ground teams, have Charlie lead another ground team and Moody lead another. I’ll also start Ginny to work on locating her with that new spell she’s been working on. Ron, we'll find her. Get going. I expect you to be back here and ready in 15 minutes.”   
  
Harry and I rank equally in the Auror department, both with a lot of pull, but I gratefully accepted Harry giving me something to do and pointing me in the right direction. I tore through Hermione’s office, finding nothing of help. Home was the same. _Breathe, breathe._ No notes, no Hermione, no chance to wake up from this nightmare.   
  
“Fuck,” I said to no one in particular before grabbing my broom and Disapparating again. Dread set in once I found myself back in the Ministry.   
  
“Any news?” _Please._ “Anything?” _I’m going to die, please don’t let this be happening!_ At seeing the apprehensive expression on Harry’s face, I lost hope of waking up and set my jaw firmly. “All right. Well, we have precious little time. Let’s get this started. Good luck Harry, and send word if you find her. I’ll do the same.”   
  
Harry and I exchanged a glance before I gathered the Auror sky team and gave orders. _We will find her. We need to._  
  
As the teams took off swiftly, I felt sure the horror setting in was just beginning.


	2. Chapter 2 - Forcibly Removed

  
Author's notes: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so any comments you can offer would be greatly appreciated.  


* * *

I stretched and looked around my office at the Ministry. It was 6:30. Nearly time to go home to the flat I shared with Ron and Harry. I had worried about the living arrangement when we'd all moved in together; I knew it was necessary for our safety. That knowledge had not abated my concerns about living with Ron, but I grew resigned to the fact that convenience, safety, and being with loved ones was important in these dangerous times. _Loved ones. Well, that’s putting it mildly. I love them both more than living itself. I shook my head. If only it were that simple._

Life, however, was complicated, and I harboured a different love for each of them. My relationship with Harry and Ron had begun innocently enough as something like the irritating and yet oh-so-necessary siblings I'd never had. Harry had grown into the older brother whom I’d admired and wanted to impress, because I wanted him to trust me. Ron had grown into the man whom I was ashamed to admit that I saw as much more than family. _So much more._ I wished that I could simply feel as though Ron was my protective older brother who I enjoyed arguing with and whom I could prove to be better than him. _There isn’t better than him._ Instead, I found myself enjoying his protectiveness in a decidedly non-familial way, relishing the feelings he evoked in me. I allowed myself to imagine the protectiveness as a cover for the possessiveness, which I desperately wanted him to feel for me. I wanted him to claim me for his own, oh yes… but I understood- knew in my logical head, though I couldn’t convince my heart- that my feelings were a wrong, inappropriate, one-sided fantasy.

_Speaking of fantasies, I think I can allow myself a moment to indulge before I go home and have to behave myself; pretend he's not all I dream about, all I need._ I turned my desk chair away from the door, leaned back and closed my eyes. I breathed in deeply and gave in to the desire to imagine what could never be. My thoughts turned to our home and the infinite possibilities were upon me in flashes. I saw Ron coming to rest his hands on my waist and kiss my neck while I stood at the kitchen sink. I saw him greeting me at the front door with a passionate kiss. _Oh my, please._ I saw him carrying me in his arms toward his bed with the Chudley Cannons blankets on it, waiting to lay claim to my body. He would hover above me slowly and then sink his-

_Where’s my wand? Holy Merlin, what the hell? This isn't happening!_

Completely lost in my thoughts, I'd been unaware of the presence of another person until a hand clamped roughly over my mouth at the same time that another hand took my wand. Another pair of hands held me to my chair quickly before performing a binding spell. Before I could even gasp, scream, or lash out, a silencing charm caused my voice to be stolen from me. _Oh no, oh no, oh no! This isn't happening. This is absolutely not happening. How the hell did these two get in here?_

All I could do was struggle against my binding and frantically look around my office for some way out. The two Death Eaters who stood in front of me laughed loudly, sounding oddly familiar as I glared at them. _I’ll kill you. I’ll somehow find a way and I’ll kill you._ I closed my eyes against the tears that threatened their way from my eyes and I pictured Ron’s face. _Would he know what happened to me?_ He wasn’t expecting me at home for another hour, and by the time he realized anything is off… _it may be too late._

The Death Eaters busied themselves looking through my desk drawers, reading my parchments on my desk top, flipping through anything- _everything_ \- I had been working on to help defeat Voldemort. I was particularly proud of the progress I had made creating new spells, defensive jinxes, counter-curses and the like. Although anything completed and perfected was not in my office, I had many different ideas partially worked through in my small space. _I can't believe that all of my hard work may help them. I should have listened to Ron. What I wouldn’t give to take that moment back and give in to him for once!_

I thought ruefully of the last argument- well, actually the last conversation- I had with Ron.

“Hermione," he'd said, "it’s not that I don’t trust you or believe that you can defend yourself. You've proven that you can so many times that I’m not even going to acknowledge that statement with a proper response. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear it.” Ron had grown frustrated with my inability to accept his worry.

“Saying that you know that, how can you tell me I need to be more aware of my surroundings and that you want to put additional wards on my office? Of all things, you want additional wards on _my_ office? I want to feel safe, and I do at the Ministry. You doing that will only make me feel like you believe me to be incompetent.” _Prat._ “I can take care of myself. I’m not going to have this conversation with you again,” I said, relishing my own resolve in the last sentence.

“I don’t see why you can’t just do this for me- maybe this is more for me than for you.”

Seeing that I was unrelenting, Ron appeared to try a different approach to this situation.

“Hermione, you're a bloody brilliant witch and you're working on some of the most important strategies within the Ministry. Whoever has you will be at a major advantage, because the other side will be blind-sided. At the moment, we have you and I think we have to consider the possibility that Death Eaters could try to get to you, to your work, to take us down- to take Harry down.”

_Low blow, making me feel guilty about Harry._

“I told you Ronald, I’m not going to have this conversation with you again. I’m a grown woman and a fully competent witch. Nobody is going to try to get to Harry by taking my spellwork. Don’t be such a…” _boy!_ “…an insensitive friend.”

“This conversation is not over by a long shot and don’t think I’m going to drop it. We're going to discuss this tonight, with Harry, when we can all be calm and rational. Hermione— Please don’t make me leave here with you angry with me. I care too much for you to… to…” Ron had trailed off, unable to find the right words.

“Yes?” I had asked expectantly, hoping he might give me something to hold onto- something to give me the strength to continue our dance.

_Please._

“It just doesn’t feel right for me to leave if I know you are really angry. I’m only thinking about you. I’m only ever thinking about you, despite what you might believe. Are we okay?”

Hearing his words, I felt as though my breath had left my body, never to return. “Yes, Ron, we’re okay. I’ll see you at home tonight, okay? I’ll be back around eight. Please be careful on your patrol this afternoon- you know I worry about you.” _Because I love you… no, definitely cannot tell him THAT… can’t make him feel uncomfortable._

“I’ll be careful. You too, promise?” At my nod in response, he'd continued. “All right, well, I’ll see you in a few hours then.” Ron had ducked out of my office and that was the last I'd seen him.

I forced myself to face the reality of what was happening. The Death Eaters were still going through my papers. No, they were actually gathering what they wanted and throwing everything else around, left in tatters. I forced myself to listen to what they were saying.

“We’ll just stick to the plan and take her with us- nothing has changed. She's more useful to the Dark Lord alive than dead. Pity, because I wouldn’t mind killing the Mudblood for sport.”

_Okay, well, now I at least know that I am going to be removed from this office, taken away from my life and my loves. There must be something I can do, some way I can let Harry and Ron know how to find me._

Before I could even think, I felt a familiar pull from behind my navel and realized we'd already left my office. We were now in a dungeon, or what I imagined was a dungeon. There were locked cells, but it was so dimly lit, I was completely unable to see more than a few feet ahead of me. I was dragged into a waiting cell, thrown onto the floor, and locked in.

“I’ll be back for you and you'll beg to give away all of your secrets before long. Fear not Mudblood- it'll all be over soon. You can go to join your filthy dead Muggle parents soon enough. I'll give you the sweet release of death as soon as I have taken everything I want from you. You will be the reason for the downfall of the ‘great Harry Potter’ and then you will die.”

Angrily, I tried to respond and said several swear words I normally chided Ron and Harry for, but my voice remained silenced. The Death Eaters left me alone in the dark, left trying to discover a way to escape, a way to warn Ron and Harry.

I forced myself to picture Ron in my head and tried to Apparate to him, despite the fact that I didn’t have my wand. His face swam into view, but it was fuzzy, not quite what I had been expecting. I wasn’t sure if perhaps I was dreaming or just desperate to reach him and believed my wishes to be reality. I tried to reach out, but my arms and legs were bound to my sides. Instead, I concentrated on getting his attention, because he seemed so far away.

“Help me, Ron; help me, Ron; help me, Ron!” I realized that no sound was coming out of my mouth, but I frantically tried to convey my desperation to him. Full of frustration, I imagined myself being able to reach out. I was amazed when my arms raised to his shoulders, grasped him- _am I really touching him? It feels so real, yet so far away-_ and shook him hard, forcing him to read my lips.

Suddenly Ron looked up and I felt for an instant that I had reached him. Ron reached out for me, but at that moment he faded from my view. I tried desperately to picture him again, to Apparate back to him, but my efforts were in vain.

I allowed the despair to fill my heart only for moments, before forcing myself to believe that I honestly reached Ron. I somehow knew he had heard me, despite the fact that I was still there and still alone. _Always alone, never alone. Funny that. How very like our relationship for me to feel him with me and have him nowhere to be found. I believe in you Ron. I know you will find me._

As despair began to settle in, I somehow forced my heart and my head to believe that Ron and Harry would somehow find me.

 

*****

 

Reviews are appreciated! :o)


	3. Chapter 3 - A Tentative Connection

  
Author's notes: A big thank you to Thevina, the most awesome beta, for all of her help. 

Thank you for reading and reviewing!

*****

* * *

“Harry! Why the hell did you ground my team? You know we can’t afford to lose any more fucking time! We need to get back in the air!” I said angrily as my feet touched the ground. I had no idea how long we'd been searching, only that we still had no sign of Hermione anywhere. _Damn it. Fuck._ I was still trying to keep it together, because if I didn’t, I’d embarrass myself with emotion. _Can’t fall apart. Not now, not now._

“Ron, don’t be thick. Do you really have to ask? It’s been raining for two hours, you’ve been doing a sweep for the last six hours, and it’s going to be dawn soon. I’m only grounding you so that another team can relieve yours. We need to go home and catch a couple hours of sleep before we get back to this again.” Harry looked as though he wanted to beg me not to argue with him. I looked at him hard, glaring at the obvious ridiculousness of his suggestion.

_Fat chance. No way I’m stopping. I have to find her._

“I mean it Ron,” Harry continued. “Maybe there will be some word once we wake up. But you are going to be absolutely no help to Hermione in the state you’re in.”

“I need to do something. I can’t just go to sleep while she’s missing- who knows what’s happening to her! I’m worried I won’t wake up in time again” I admitted, feeling guilty about not knowing she was missing sooner. _If only I had stayed awake to wait for her: we might not have been so far behind in trying to find her._ I knew I needed to sleep, but fear compelled me to stay awake. I shivered, both from the cold rain water soaking through my body, and the memory of my dream of her. _She'd been terrified. Was that real?_

“Mate, I promise I’ll get us up. But neither of us is helping Hermione at all by not being in top form. The rest of the department is ready to pick up where we all left off- both on the ground and in the air.” Harry looked expectantly at me, apparently waiting for my rebuttal.

“Fine,” I said, defeat clearly in my voice. “I’ll brief the next team and then we can get out of here, yeah? But only for a couple of hours, and then I’m coming back whether you bloody well want me to or not.” Harry nodded in agreement. _He wouldn’t dare stop me right now, not with her gone. Don’t think of that now, not now._

Harry began to turn away, preparing to brief his replacement team as well.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess Ginny’s new spell isn’t quite working yet?” I asked, hoping that I was wrong.

“Not yet.” Harry bit his lip.

_Fuck._ “Well, we need to get someone to help her fix it or finish it or whatever.” _It’s too important._ “Should I get someone or will you?”

“I’ll figure something out, Ron. Just go home and I’ll wake you in a few hours, okay?”

I almost made a comment about him being fucking bossy at a time like this, but at the look on his face, I just nodded. _Shite, I can’t do this. I can’t go home and know she won’t be there, not know where she is._

“Actually, I think I’ll just wait for you once I’m done debriefing the next team.” _Please don’t make me go home alone._ I searched his eyes, hoping he would understand what I was trying to say. His eyes returned an almost imperceptible flicker before he nodded at me.

_Thank you._

“Okay, I’ll make it quick.”

I went to debrief my team’s replacements, but my mind was elsewhere. I described the various places we had searched. I offered my suggestions about the places to re-check and new areas to search. _Have I failed you, Hermione? Could I have saved you if I had just put up the additional wards and dealt with your anger about them?_ I ordered the team leader to contact myself and Harry at the slightest change in the situation, then sent them off into the rainy pre-dawn morning.

_And what am I supposed to do now? I don’t think I can possibly force myself to sleep. I don’t think I'll actually be able to let my mind shut down. What will I do if we can’t find her? No- mustn’t think like that, not here and not now. We'll find her. We have to find her. I have to find her. Why did I never tell her that I lo-_

“Ready to go home?” Harry asked with forced calmness.

I simply nodded my head in surrender to his will, trying to shake my inner musings from my mind. With two cracks and pops, Harry and I were in the foyer of our home.

“You need to try to sleep. I know you're worried, angry, and feeling guilty. But none of that is going to help us find Hermione and bring her home to us. None of that is going to be of any use, except to torture yourself. And, frankly, I don’t think I can be your cheerleader tonight- this morning- whatever, so you need to just let it go for now. Please.” Harry sounded as though he was about to lose it himself and I decided to allow him the thought that I believed him and would try to let it go.

_Yeah, right. How could I possibly let this go, even for a few hours?_

“Get me up in a couple hours,” I said over my shoulder as I walked dejectedly toward my bedroom, which shared a wall with Hermione’s room. _Thank Merlin I never had reason to regret that fact. If I had ever heard her in there with another bloke, I think my heart would be completely broken- as opposed to just in painful yearning. Well, painful and pleasurable, I thought as I stripped off my clothes and flopped onto my bed. Being so close to Hermione has always been the sweetest, and yet most bittersweet, torture. She makes me come alive, she feeds my soul. But she crushes my hopes, my dreams, because she refuses to stop skirting away, to give in to what would be good. So good. To us._

I turned restlessly in my bed, contemplating going into Hermione’s room. I almost gave in to the temptation to sleep in her bed, breathe in her scent. No. That would be more torture that I could stand for tonight. I swallowed hard, forcing the tears that threatened to remain in check...

_Why does she look so small? Why does she look so afraid? I see her eyes- beautiful chocolate, with molasses and honey. She calls them plain brown, but I see her eyes like a dark chocolate. Two of my favorite things: chocolate and her eyes._

“Ron, I can’t do this alone. I need you. I need you. Don’t make me live wondering where you are. Ron…” My breath catches in my throat as she says my name and I suddenly hear her scared voice.

_I would never leave you alone. I'd never make you wonder where I am. If I were yours- who am I kidding? I am yours! I'd never allow myself to be far from you. I need you and you need me. Why are we so achingly close, yet we’re miles apart? Come here to me, close the gap. I need you to make the first step, so I know you're ready._

“Ron!”

_Why are you crying?_

“I want to be home with you.”

_More tears. Barmy this one. Wants to be home? We are home! Wait, no we aren’t. Where the fuck are we?_

“Hermione? Where are we?”

_No answer._

“Hermione?”

_Her eyes are getting wider, so I know she heard me. Why is she not responding?_

“Ron? Can you hear me?” Hermione whispered.

_Completely mental!_ “Of course I can hear you- I’m standing two feet from you!” _One step closer, another step, kneel down, reach out. How the hell did my hand pass straight through her body? None of this makes any bloody sense. And where in fuck are we? I can hardly see a damn thing._

“Ron! Don’t leave me- I can’t see you, but somehow I know you are here with me. Listen closely, I need you to hear me. I think I'm in a dungeon or perhaps a basement. The walls are made of an old brick, so you need to look for an older house. We came by portkey, so I have no way to know where I am.”

_Fuck!_

“One of the Death Eaters sounds very familiar to me, but I can’t place the voice. Perhaps someone we went to school with, but I know it’s not Malfoy. Ron, keep listening, it’s very important!”

_How the hell does she do that? How can she possibly know when I’m getting distracted?_

“They want something of mine. They took some partially completed work from my office, but I don’t know what they want yet. I’ve been here in the dark for hours, but no one has come back. I’m not going to tell them anything, but I can hold on now, because I know you'll find me. Ron, there’s so much to say, so much left unsaid, but- wait, I think someone’s coming… yes, I hear footsteps. Are you still there Ron?”

“I’m here Hermione, but I don’t understand. Is this real?” _How could this be real, I was just in my bedroom trying to fall asleep._

“Ron, they'll be here in a second. Don’t leave me.”

_I won’t. I never will._

“Don’t-”

“Mate, it’s time to get up. We need to get back to the Ministry.”

I jerked awake, soaking wet, shaking confusion from my head. “Hermione?”

“No, there’s been no word yet. We just need to-”

“But she was just here. She was just here with me. She was talking to me. I could hear her…” I trailed off, still trying to sort out reality from— _whatever the hell that was!_

“That was just a dream. Come on, time to get up and on with it,” Harry said gently.

“No, Harry, it wasn’t just a dream. I don’t know how I know, but I just do. It was just like the dream I had before I knew she was missing. It was like I was dreaming, but Hermione was dreaming along with me. It was like she was somehow invading my sleep, somehow climbing into my mind. I know she’s alive, but we need to get to her. We need to get to her now. You woke me up before she could tell me something, but I think we have enough to start looking again. Harry- don’t look at me like I’m bloody crazy.”

I snapped into Auror mode, explaining the first dream and how I'd discovered she was missing. I went on to explain what Hermione had said in this last dream and described what little I could see of the room she was being kept in. _She looked so scared. No, don’t dwell on that now, not now. Save her first._ I tried to convey how important it was to me that Harry believe me and that we act on this information. _I know it’s unusual. It’s unconventional. But when do we do things traditionally? That’s just the way we are._

I discussed with Harry how we could use my limited knowledge of the room to our advantage. We would double our efforts with older houses, both on the ground and from the air. I would describe to Ginny everything I could remember about the room, to help her with her locating spell. _This will work. We'll save her. I'll save her. And when I do, I won’t ever let her go._

Though I was exhausted, sore, and frustrated, I now had something I did not have mere hours beforehand: I knew Hermione was alive and I had a flicker of something else- hope.

 

*****

 

Thank you for reading and reviewing! ~Risie


	4. Chapter 4- Hope Fades

  
Author's notes: Many thanks to Thevina, my awesome beta! Also, thanks to everyone who continues to read my fic. I really appreciate all of your reviews. ~Risie

 

*****

 

* * *

_How long have I been here?  Merlin, it feels like days already, but I don't think it could have even been one yet.  Maybe a few hours.  I wish I hadn't fallen asleep- well, dozed really.  I don't think I'll sleep soundly until I'm home.  I wonder if they know I'm gone?  I think they do...  Yes, they must, because I should have been home ages ago.  Besides, there was the spell that connected me with Ron._

 

_I mean, I'm pretty sure I got through to Ron.  Wow, now that would really be something if I did.  I didn't think that would actually work._

 

I allowed my mind to search for how this had been possible.  True, I had been working on wandless, silent magic, but that would be truly amazing if I had reached him.  Guess my tweaking of the Apparating spell may have worked on some level.  _But how?_   The most important spell I had been researching and changing was a variation on Apparating- allowing one to Apparate to a person, rather than a place.  I knew this was important, because it would allow Harry to find Voldemort once and for all; and equally importantly, it would allow Ron and I to find Harry and each other.  

 

_I've still got some kinks to work out, if it did indeed work this time.  It felt like reaching through a fog, through a dream.  I don't know what I expected.  Maybe it can't work fully, because I was bound- and how the hell I willfully forced my binding away is beyond me.  It's more likely that there are extremely strong wards at work here.  Maybe wards impede the spell, but make it possible for a mental connection?_

 

_But I saw him!  Clear as day!  I felt his shoulders underneath my fingers- wasn't that a physical connection?  Or do I want to believe it so badly that I imagined touching him?  Maybe I imagined the whole experience..._

 

_Well,_ I mused, _I guess I could try again._

 

I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated on the familiar red-head I so badly wanted to see.  I imagined his hair, like the prettiest flames of a lively fire.  I imagined his brow, his cheeks, the bridge of his nose.  I pictured the loveliness of his eyes, a pool of blue emotion.  I concentrated on his tempting lips, how soft they appeared, how full.  I forced myself to imagine his entire body, right down to his toes, every detail so vivid in my mind.  What I didn't know, my mind filled in with a fantasy of what he would be like.  

 

_Okay, breathe, breathe.  Just let go and maybe it will work this time._     

 

"Ron?"  _Nothing._   "Ron?" _Damn it._ "Ron!" _Yelling louder won't make him hear you, it didn't work._

 

I felt myself begin to lose the feeble hope I'd held onto for the last few hours.  He hadn't heard me, the spell hadn't worked.  _No, this can't be happening._   I allowed myself to give in to the familiar tears which were escaping, dripping with my disappointment, my fear.  I finally allowed myself to realize just how alone I was in this room.  

 

"Ron, I can't do this alone.  I need you.  I need you.  Don't make me live wondering where you are.  Ron..."  My breath caught in my throat as sobs racked my body.  I placed my head heavily in my arms and rocked myself, crying as though it would help somehow.  

 

"Ron!" 

 

_Where are you?_   

 

"I want to be home with you." 

 

_I never got to tell him that he is my home.  It's not where we live, where we share a bedroom wall, it's always been him._

 

"Hermione?  Where are we?"

 

My breath caught again.  _Did I just imagine that?_

 

"Hermione?"

 

I turned my head and felt my eyes bulging at hearing Ron's voice again. _I can't be hearing things, please let this be real.  Oh, his voice is like heaven, like the sweetest dream come true._ I found my voice and chanced the possibility of crushing my hopes again.

 

"Ron?  Can you hear me?" I whispered.

 

"Of course I can hear you- I'm standing two feet from you!"  

 

I looked around, but saw nothing different, no Ron.

 

_Why can't I see him?  I must have done something wrong with the spell.  Don't think about that now_ , I chided myself. _I mustn't waste the chance to connect with him, to help him find me.  I somehow know he really is here with me and I desperately want him to know so many things.  First help him find you!_

 

"Ron!  Don't leave me!I can't see you, but somehow I know you're here with me.  Listen closely, I need you to hear me.  I think I'm in a dungeon or perhaps a basement.  The walls are made of an old brick, so you need to look for an older house.  We came by portkey, so I have no way to know where I am."  

 

_What else could help him find me?  That's the where; now for the who...  except I don't know who,_ I reminded myself.   

 

"One of the Death Eaters sounds very familiar to me, but I can't place the voice.  Perhaps someone we went to school with, but I know it's not Malfoy.  Ron, keep listening, it's very important!" 

 

I suddenly felt Ron's presence, which was completely inexplicable and not part of the spell.  _Hmmm, must ponder that later._   

 

"They want something of mine.  They took some partially completed work from my office, but I don't know what they want yet.  I've been here in the dark for hours, but no one has come back.  I'm not going to tell them anything, but I can hold on now, because I know you'll find me.  Ron, there's so much to say, so much left unsaid, but- wait, I think someone's coming..."  

 

I heard the last noise I ever wanted to hear- someone walking down the stairs.  _Damn it._   _Maybe he can stay connected, to see the Death Eaters.  That would certainly help him find me more quickly._

 

"Yes, I hear footsteps.  Are you still there Ron?" _Please be there._

 

"I'm here Hermione, but I don't understand.  Is this real?"  

 

_Somehow I know it is real.  Must concentrate on him finding me._

 

"Ron, they'll be here in a second.  Don't leave me. Don't make a sound, but just watch and see if you recognize the Death-."

 

I suddenly felt as though my heart had been ripped open and the connection was severed.  I somehow knew he was gone, but couldn't even begin to understand how or why.  I hadn't been able to see him, so there was no way even to tell where he was at this moment.

 

I didn't have enough time to ponder what had happened when the footsteps firmly echoed into the dungeon.  

 

"Hello, puppet," a cruel, yet somehow still familiar voice filled my ears.  "Are you ready to share your secrets?  I've given you enough time to think about the fact that you will not leave here without spilling everything you know," the voice continued.

 

I raised my head to look up at the Death Eater, fully expecting to be able to see his face.  _Damn_ , I thought disappointedly to myself as I caught sight of his mask.  Even if Ron had been able to stay, he wouldn't have been able to see the man behind the facade.  _At least he would be here though._

 

I realized I had an important decision to make.  I could try to avoid the questions and probing with distraction techniques or I could simply refuse to answer any questions. I reasoned that I could try both approaches, one then the next, whatever it took to survive.  

 

"I don't see why I have anything of use to you," I said, trying to convey both my stubborn nature and the fact that I wasn't afraid of this man, even though the second part was a lie. 

 

"Oh, puppet, come now.  Even I know you are not quite that modest.  The great Hermione Granger is the secret weapon in Potter's camp.  You are the one who has developed the spell that will end it all.  I want everything.  Don't play coy with me or you will be punished."  The masked enemy practically hissed his words causing me to shiver slightly at the threat.

 

_You're a Gryffindor!  Hold onto the courage that is always with you, hold onto the thought of Harry and Ron._ I made the decision to refuse at that moment.  The Death Eater was right, though I doubted he realized how accurate he was - I was a secret weapon of sorts and I refused to give the enemy ammunition to use against my boys.  I didn't care what I had to suffer through, I was going to be strong for them.

 

"If that's how you want things to play out, you will be in for a punishment, puppet.  Tell me a secret.  Open your filthy Mudblood mouth and give me what I want."

 

Silence.  All I was willing to give him was silence.  He was becoming more irritated at my refusal to engage with him.  

 

" _Imperio!"_   The spell left his lips almost before I had the chance to realize it.  I had only partly succeeded in putting up carefully constructed walls in my mind.  I had taught Harry, Ron and myself how to construct these necessary partitions, knowing it would be important if any of us were ever captured.  

 

_Tell him a secret, something he wants to know!_   My traitorous mind tried to force me into giving in.  The voice was somehow mine and yet it was also foreign to me.  It was the oddest sensation to have an argument with myself, almost as though I had a split personality.  _No, I don't think I want to.  Why should I?  He should tell me one first!_   I felt myself trying to fight the urge to purge my knowledge into his eagerly waiting mind.  I recognized the fogginess in my brain and tried to push it away.  _Tell him now or he will cause the deepest shame I have ever known._   

 

I gathered my courage and finally yelled, "No!"  I felt the effects of the curse lessen and the slightly foggy feeling cleared from the edges of my brain.       

 

"No, puppet?  Are you sure that's your answer?"  His voice became tinged with a more sinister tone.  I couldn't see his face, but I felt sure he had an evil smirk gracing his lips.  

 

_Bastard._

 

" _Imperio!_ "  The spell again hit me without warning.

 

In a far off part of my brain, I thought perhaps he was going to try and wear me down with repeated use of the Imperius Curse.  I knew that the longer he used the curse, the more difficult it would become to for me to throw off its effects, but I knew I would never stop trying.

 

_Touch yourself.  Show him how you please yourself._   I felt my eyes widen and my arm begin to betray me.  _I most certainly will not!  I have my dignity._   I felt my arm hesitate a bit before edging closer to my skirt lining.  I struggled to compel my arm to listen to my voice, my real voice, not the imposter voice inside my mind.  My arm cramped with the sheer will of trying to battle with the competing demands.  

 

My captor laughed raucously, expelling the most cruel sound I could imagine.

 

"Oh, puppet, you always did have a difficult time resisting the physical commands of the Imperius.  You may be able to resist a command to surrender your mind and your memories to me, but I know for a fact that you cannot resist a command to surrender your body.  I'm going to cause you the greatest shame you have ever felt.  Once your shame and guilt eats you away, I will be free to take your memories.  I am displeased at you making me waste my time in such ways.  You will be mine."

 

_How the hell does he know that I have a difficult time with that aspect of the Imperius curse?_   I felt my mind clear as he released the spell.  I didn't know why he'd given up his hold on me, I only focused on the relief that I hadn't actually degraded myself at his command.  _But you almost did.  You would have if he had kept on you.  Damn it._   

 

I tried to force myself to not feel guilt or shameful about my actions, but it was a losing battle.  Guilt had always come easily to me, because I inherently wanted to be better than whatever it was I had just done.  _Am I that easy to read?  How could he possibly know that shame and guilt are my weaknesses?  I know I haven't told anyone that.  And what about the physical commands of the Imperius?  How the hell did he know about that?  I can't think of anyone besides Ron and Harry that I've told about that and that was only for their safety.  Why would I; it causes me embarrassment and shame._ I shook my head ruefully.  _There's the shame again- so easy for me to fall back into it._

 

"I tire of you puppet.  We will play again later.  _Crucio!_ "

 

Fire ripped through my body and I fell back against the brick wall, writhing.  I could feel a heat searing through my legs, my arms, my torso, my brain.  I ached with every breath I took.  _Disassociate.  Distance yourself from this and it will be over soon._   

 

Despite the agony, I focused my thoughts on Ron again.  I pictured him in every detail, longing for him to be here with me, to see me, to hear me, to understand my deepest thoughts.  I again pictured the lips I wanted to claim as my own, the hands I wanted to have caressing my body.  I practically tasted the sweat and musk I somehow knew would cover his skin.  I pictured every moment of a perfect union, our bodies, hearts, souls.  I could swear I felt his presence over me, around me, inside me.  I felt puffs of breath on my cheek as he gave in to the labor of loving me.  I somehow felt the pleasure of his body, hard where mine was soft.  

 

I screamed particularly hard as the spell became more intense.  I had managed to disassociate for long enough so as not to allow my body to recognize the pain.  However, as I came back to the reality of my precarious situation, I felt the full force of my "punishment".  

 

_I will not give in to this bastard.  I promise you Ron, I will be strong.  Somehow, I know you will find me and I will hold on until then._

 

I told myself he could feel me too, could sense an urgent need to be found by him.  

 

As the Death Eater released his vicious and brutal attack on my body, I heard the promise he made me.

 

"I'll be back.  And then, puppet, you will tell me a secret.  I know you don't want to be punished with shame again.  Goodnight, Mudblood."

 

Sore from the torture of only moments before, I swallowed my tears and refused to give the retreating Death Eater the satisfaction of hearing my suffering.  

 

I thought about my boys, knowing Harry and Ron were searching for me.  I needed to escape this place, if for no more than a few moments.  That was the last thought in my mind before I laid my head down on the cold stone and closed my eyes. 

 

"Goodnight, Ron."

 

 

 

*****

 

Reviews are always appreciated! Thanks, Risie :o)


	5. Chapter 5- Bound

  
Author's notes: Many thanks to Thevina, for her very careful beta work!!  


* * *

_This is just surreal. How the fuck did that happen?_

 

I was trying to figure out how my connection with Hermione had been possible as Harry asked me for the fifth time if this had ever happened before. 

 

"Harry, I swear I'm going to silence you for two hours if you don't stop asking me that. Other than these two times, this has never happened before. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I just know it must be Hermione; it must be something she's doing. Maybe she's trying to reach you too, but can't for some reason. What I don't understand is what she's doing at all- or how she's doing it. Surely they would have taken away her wand. She did tell me a couple days ago that she'd been working on wandless magic, but it sounded like that was miles from being perfected." 

 

"Well, there's nothing like a desperate situation to make something all of a sudden click into place. But I still wonder what it is. If we knew, it would help us find her. And you're sure that you don't-" Harry stopped his question at my warning look. 

 

_I wish I did know._

 

I sighed outwardly, my head in my hands. It had only been ten minutes since I had seen her, but it already felt like a lifetime. Suddenly, my body experienced a fire and heat so intense it knocked me to the floor. I had not felt this kind of pain for some time, but I remembered it all the same. 

 

Screams wretched from my lips, my body convulsing and twitching on the floor. I heard Harry run over to me, but he was so far away. A haze settled into my mind numbing the pain. 

 

I saw Hermione under my body. _How the hell did she get under me?_ I thought for a brief moment before I felt a different warmth. Wet and desperate kisses covered my mouth, my hands roamed over her body. She licked my neck, she arched her back, _wait what?_ I looked down and saw our bodies connected intimately. Almost as though my body had no will of its own, I began to move against her. My breath expelled out onto her cheek and my body settled into the pleasure of loving her, of being with her. 

 

In an instant, I was on my back again, writhing in pain. I had the strangest feeling that I was being punished for something, though I didn't know what. _What the fuck is going on?_

 

_I will not give in to this bastard. I promise you Ron, I will be strong. Somehow, I know you will find me and I will hold on until then._

 

"Hermione? Where are you? I can hear you!" My arms reached out blindly, searching for her, but recoiling from the searing pain. 

 

As suddenly as the pain had come on, it was gone in an instant. The fog receded slightly, but everything still seemed so far away. The Ministry looked so dark and ominous and the floor was harder and colder than I remembered. 

 

I raised my head a couple of inches off of the floor into the mask of a Death Eater. _What the bloody hell is going on in here? Where is Harry and how did this bastard get past him?_

 

"I'll be back. And then, puppet, you will tell me a secret. I know you don't want to be punished with shame again. Goodnight, Mudblood."

 

_Mudblood?_ I forced myself to focus and tried to clear the fog. It was stubbornly holding on to my senses, trapping them in limbo. Then, I felt her. Hermione was here with me. I raised my head again and looked around. Behind me, curled into a tiny ball, was my Hermione. I couldn't just see her, I felt her. She was scared, she was cold, but she had hope: she could feel me too; she knew I wanted to find her. I tried to reach out to her, but it was like moving through quicksand. My vision and mind began to clear as I saw her lay her head onto the stone cold floor. 

 

"Goodnight, Ron," were the last words I heard from her before I came back to the Ministry.

 

"Ron? Ron! Come on, mate, come back to us! Ron?" Harry's voice was beginning to sound desperate as I blinked rapidly and coughed. 

 

My body was sore, as though I had been put through too many paces at training. But it was more than that; my mind was aching as was my heart. I felt like I had run a marathon which was emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Confusion settled into my consciousness.

 

"Harry, where is she? Did you catch the Death Eater? I know him from somewhere! Is she safe? What's going on? I don't understand." I coughed again, dragging oxygen into my lungs, up to my confused brain. 

 

"What Death Eater? What are you talking about? I think you just had a seizure, mate. You might have a concussion for all I know; you hit your head pretty hard. I've already sent for a Healer, so someone should be here momentarily." Harry turned his face away from mine and shouted to find out where the Healer was. 

 

"No, Harry, she was here... wasn't she? I saw a Death Eater standing over me just a minute ago- he hit me with the Cruciatus curse. I'd know that feeling anywhere. And she was there, here, somewhere... this doesn't make any sense. It was almost like the dreams, but I was awake when this happened. What the bloody hell is she doing?"

 

"Calm down, Ron. First, we need to get you checked out and make sure you're alright. Then, we'll figure this out. If this is Hermione, she's trying to give us clues... at least I think she's trying to give us clues. Do you think it's possible she's somehow doing this on accident?" Harry looked thoughtful at that last comment and his voice trailed off.

 

I suppose it had been accidental. The first two times had seemed purposeful. _No, the first time was purposeful. The second time she seemed genuinely surprised that whatever this connection was had worked. She didn't even seem to know I was there with her this last time. Well, she did know, I could feel it._ I shook my head, confused. _How in the world had I felt her feelings? She was scared and ashamed. But of what?_

 

I dutifully sat still as the Healer poked and prodded my body. I tried not to wince, because I knew Harry was watching me closely. At Harry's request, the Healer performed several spells to determine the cause of the incident. As she continued her work, I closed my eyes and concentrated on everything which had just happened. 

 

First, there had been the pain- that was unmistakable. What I didn't know was whether we had both been hit by the Cruciatus or if she had been and I was just feeling it through her. _Which makes sense in an odd way_. 

 

Then, there had been the odd fogginess in my brain. Well, that was becoming somewhat familiar. _I guess that's how I know it was her. That, and the fact that I saw her. Eventually. I felt her too._

 

My face flushed when I remembered the intimate encounter with her. 

 

"Mr. Weasley? Sir, are you alright? Do you feel ill? Should I stop my diagnostics?" The Healer peered curiously at my reddened cheeks and neck. 

 

"I'm fine, just a bit warm. You can continue what you need to do." 

 

I took a deep breath and ignored the strange glance Harry threw in my direction.

 

_That fantasy was bloody brilliant! Does that count as us having sex? Was I living in one of her fantasies all of a sudden? Or was she living in one of mine? Shite. What if she read my mind somehow and found out I want to do those things with her? I guess that would be easier than telling her._

 

I remembered the feeling of being inside of her, surrounded by her, kissed by her. She was just what I had imagined and yet _more_. 

 

I remembered the cruel and sinister voice of the Death Eater. Hermione had been right. The voice was familiar to me as well, though I couldn't place it at all. I didn't think it was someone we had gone to school with. It seemed like a more recent memory, yet not someone I interacted with on a consistent basis. _Who is he? He's the key!_ I focused again on the room, but there were no more clues than there had been last time I had seen where she was being hidden. 

 

I remembered what he had said about punishment. He planned to punish her with shame. I felt my heart sink at that realization. Hermione had always been sensitive to guilt and shame. I had taken advantage of that fact more times than I cared to admit. The Death Eater knew she would be broken that way, but how? A horrible realization hit me.

 

"Harry, it's someone we know!" I blurted out the words without even thinking about the fact that we were not alone. "Er, I mean, um, nevermind. Just thinking out loud." 

 

Looking curiously at me again, the Healer announced, "That's about it. I see nothing other than the effects of the Cruciatus curse. I've healed what I can, but don't hesitate to send him to St. Mungo's if there's any change." Harry thanked the Healer and helped me to stand.

 

"Come on, let's take a walk and get you some fresh air," Harry said knowingly.

 

As soon as we were out of earshot, I said again, "It's someone we know. Someone who knows things about Hermione."

 

"So, it was another dream? Or something like the dream?" Harry still looked quite confused, but intrigued at the same time.

 

"It didn't feel like a dream, exactly. But it was similar to the other times. Like she was in my mind or something. Actually, it felt like I was inside hers this time. I swear I could feel her emotions and hear her thoughts. But that's not possible, is it?"

 

"I have no idea. I suppose it could be one of the new spells she was working on. I guess anything is possible if it's something Hermione has been working on. She's been creating spells and tweaking old spells to do new things. We need to go see the Head of the Developmental Magic Department. He'll know what she was working on and what she has completed lately."

 

Harry and I headed over to see if we could gather any additional information about Hermione's recent work. Although she had developed a lot of different spells recently, there were none that projected one person into another's consciousness or emotions. No spells had addressed sharing physical connections. The most important spells she had been working on were the Locator spell which she was doing in collaboration with Ginny, and the tweaking of the Apparition spell. 

 

The modified version of the Apparition spell had the most potential as the spell she could be using, as it was supposed to send the caster to a person rather than a place. If Hermione had been using that spell, I mused, she must have been trying to escape. _Why didn't it work that way?_

 

I asked if there was any way to know how the spell had been changed. Nothing conclusive was known and we couldn't try it ourselves to find her without knowing how Hermione had changed it. I sighed, knowing we just needed to trust that she was trying everything she could from her current position. I felt we weren't doing enough on our end. 

 

"I know it's someone we know, Harry. I just can't shake that feeling. The Death Eater's voice was so familiar to me and I could tell it was familiar to her too. There must be a way to screen people based on their voices."

 

"I'll look into it Ron, but I really think you should be helping Ginny right now. I know you don't know that much about spell creation and modification- hell, I don't either. But you're going to be her best bet once she gets it working to try and tap into your mind."

 

"Fine, but you know, something else is bothering me. It's not just the voice that sounded so similar, it's the fact that he seemed to know Hermione or at least know personal things about her. What do we know about her old boyfriends? Is it possible that one of them could be responsible? I mean, that might explain why the voice sounded familiar to me. Although I expect she would have been able to identify the voice as well and she couldn't. Still, we should check them out. Actually, I'll check them out."

 

"Fine, I'll get Boot to get them all in here so you can listen to their voices and we can question them."

 

"Oh, and Harry, something else is still not right. How did the Death Eaters get into her office to begin with? I mean, the Ministry is heavily guarded and warded. It just doesn't make any sense. I hate to say it, but do you think someone from inside the Ministry could be helping them?" I shuddered at the implications of such a person working within the Ministry.

 

"I've actually been thinking along similar lines. I mean, how could someone have gotten past all of the people outside of Hermione's office and yet not be noticed? I thought all of the employees were re-classified after Fudge was sacked and the Ministry acknowledged that Voldemort was back. Perhaps we should try to go see whoever was in charge of determining who was fit to remain in active duty."

 

"Okay, you go figure out whoever that is and get Boot to get all of Hermione's ex-boyfriends in here. I'll be with Ginny."

 

I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something important, something right in front of my eyes. _You do this every day. Why is it so hard when it's this important?_ Despite my best efforts to focus in on the seemingly insignificant details for any sort of clue, nothing really presented itself.

 

I worked with Ginny and also interviewed every person Hermione had ever been in a relationship with. I was tempted to take this opportunity to gather information about their past relationships, but Ginny cleared her throat loudly each time I attempted to cross the line. _Damn._ It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I knew that would be an invasion of her privacy. Sometimes I just forgot and got slightly overzealous in my questioning. _I'm just doing my job_ , I reassured myself. 

 

Harry returned at some point with a briefing about how the search teams were doing. They had cleared several cities, having gone through every basement by one means or another. There was still a lot of ground to be covered, but they were steadily making progress. 

 

Nonetheless, time seemed to be flying by and dragging simultaneously. Moments felt so long and bleak without knowing where she was, without knowing if she was okay. I kept expecting her to invade my consciousness at any moment, but she wasn't doing that. _Unfortunately._ At least then I would have known she was alright. _But,_ I reminded myself, _she went to sleep. Hopefully she's still asleep and gathering her strength before trying to contact me again._

 

Even as time seemed to be stopped, I realized how long she had been gone. We had been working all day and we were only a little closer to finding her. Well, more than a little closer, _but not enough_. 

 

"Harry, it's been an entire day that she's been missing. I don't know how much more of this I can take," I said exasperatedly. 

 

"Ron, I think you need to have a bit of a lie in. You've been looking progressively more ill as time has gone on. I think it will do you some good. Don't give me that look, mate, I'm just trying to-"

 

"Trying to keep me out of finding her, but that won't work and you know it. Now stop trying to baby me and let me do my job. I think I've done everything I can here. I'm going to join the sky team for a while."

 

"Fine. Maybe getting out will help clear your head. But I'm making sure that they know you're prone to having fits. I know it's not exactly a fit, but what would happen if you fell off of your broom? Hermione needs you and you won't be there for her if you do anything stupid. Make sure you come back within the hour." Harry spoke forcefully, and I got a sneaky suspicion that his frustration was about to overcome him as well. Despite asking him to come with me, he declined and stated that he was still trying to track down some loose ends. 

 

I kicked off from the ground, feeling a bit of tension leave my body as I floated into the air and soared into the night. I caught up with the sky team quickly and helped to streamline their approach. This was the part that had always come easily to me and I enjoyed not feeling like a failure for what seemed like the first time since this ordeal began. Strategy was my strong suit and I felt better knowing the team would be using my ideas once I was gone.

 

All too soon, Harry sent his Patronus to me, stating he wanted me to come back.

 

I had been thriving on the fresh air, the ability to be useful. 

 

_But, your head's clear now. Time to get back to reality._

 

"Oi! Anything?" I don't know why I bothered to ask, but I refused to give in to the utter frustration that plagued me.

 

Harry sighed deeply and I noticed the slump in his shoulders. 

 

"Well, I found out who decided who got the boot and who stayed, but the bloody wanker isn't here. He owled to say he'd be out for the day and hopes to be back in the morning."

 

_Of course, because this couldn't be easy, right?_

 

"Who is it?"

 

"O'Cleary. Do you remember him? He's the one who administered all those tests to us."

 

"What tests? When?"

 

"When we were joining. The health screenings to see if we were mentally fit for duty. Remember, he thought you had ‘anger issues'?"

 

"He thought that about you too, mate. Was he the one that tested our ability to throw off the Imperius curse?" Harry nodded. "That bloke _was_ a wanker. What about everything else?"

 

"I was thinking about what you said earlier- about the Death Eater getting past everyone. This is one time when Muggle security would have come in handy, because everything would be on film..." Harry trailed off, probably because I was looking at him like he was speaking Goblin. 

 

Harry explained how Muggle surveillance worked and it sounded brilliant. 

 

"There's got to be a spell to do that," I said excitedly.

 

"Even if there was, we don't have the time and it would have had to have been done yesterday. But, it got me to thinking. I got every person I remembered in that office area to write down the names of everyone they remembered was there. Now that we've compiled a list, I want you to listen to all of their voices. It's worth a shot."

 

I agreed and we set to work, interviewing a long list of employees. Out of the people on the list, only four were out, so we spoke with everyone else. _Damn. No luck._ Nobody came close to sounding like the person we needed. 

 

As we were finishing questioning the last person, my vision began to cloud over again.

 

I recognized it this time and warned Harry just because I was overtaken by thoughts other than my own. 

 

"Ron, can you hear me? Oh, please, hear me." Hermione sounded calm, but I knew she was panicked, I felt her fear.

 

"I'm here Hermione. Are you okay? We're trying to find you, but we haven't got the locator spell working yet." I held my breath. _Please answer me._

 

"I know, Ron, I know you're trying. I'll try to hold on for you."

 

I breathed a deep sigh of relief, because this time I could hear her and feel her and she could hear me. _Much better._

 

"Whatever you did this time, keep doing that. I can actually hear you this time. I wish I could see you though."

 

A sharp gasp and I turned my head, amazed when she appeared out of nowhere. Her eyes widened at the sight of me, just as surprised as I was to see her.

 

"Merlin, are you ever a sight for sore eyes!"

 

She smiled again, almost in disbelief that I would joke at a time like this. 

 

_But, it's not a joke. Seeing her feeds me, gives me strength._ I smiled back at her.

 

"How are you doing this? You're amazing." I reached out and could almost touch her, but it was like touching water. She slipped through my fingers.

 

"It's a new spell, but it's not working how it's supposed to-"

 

"Which one? Tell me how to do it. Maybe it can't be done by you."

 

"The Apparition spell. I've changed it, but I'm not going anywhere. I think the wards are preventing me. Ron, repeat after me: ‘apari-'"

 

Her eyes began to glaze over and I swore.

 

"Hermione, don't you dare fucking leave me like this."

 

I saw her get to her feet and walk toward the edge of the cell.

 

"Hermione? What are you doing?"

 

She twitched suddenly and then yelled, "I'm not going to tell you, you bastard!"

 

_What?_

 

"So we are to play this way again, Mudblood? So be it. _Crucio!"_

 

I felt my head throw back in pain and knew she had done the same. Then, the pain was gone, replaced by an odd feeling of peace. I looked over to Hermione and watched her grab at her breast. _What is going on here?_ The peace lifted.

 

"Weak, my poor Mudblood. You are so weak. I can practically smell your shame." He sniffed the air at this comment. 

 

"How is it you know so much about me?" Hermione sounded angry, rightly so.

 

"I know everything about you. I knew you would be useful to us. That's why you were placed in the Ministry, to be useful to us."

 

"Well, at least I know I'm not doing that for you. And I refuse to be used by you." Her anger was rising, but so was her resolve.

 

"I tire of you, puppet. It's time for drastic measures. You will break. Today."

 

_No. No, no, no. Fuck. Shite._

 

I watched the Death Eater hit her with a binding curse, feeling my body becoming magically closed in on itself. I tried to scream, for her, but nothing came out.

 

With a flick of his wand, Hermione's clothes had disappeared and her legs were locked open. I couldn't move, couldn't scream and I realized that neither could she. _Oh, fuck!_ _She's going to be raped and I have no choice but to watch._ I couldn't close my eyes, despite every effort to block out the horrible scene unfolding in front of me. 

 

_What if I feel it, too?_ Guilt instantly flooded me when I hoped that I wouldn't be able to feel her being violated, feel me being violated.

 

The Death Eater stooped before her and I internally braced myself for the pain. It never came, but I knew she was hurting nonetheless, I could feel the emotions rolling through her. He viciously jammed himself into Hermione's body over and over again. He took no ease, just slammed himself inside again, as though he were hammering a nail into a board.

 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. Damn it, I'm going to kill you. I will not rest until you are dead, you sick son of a bitch._

 

The, the fucking bastard reached down to finger her clit. _What the hell?_ He was going to force her to enjoy it.

 

Realization dawned on me- _that's how he was going to break her!_ He was going to make her feel guilty about the orgasm he was forcing on her.

 

Her body didn't move an inch, but the smug, evil grin on the bastard's face confirmed my worst fears. 

 

He pulled out of her before he even came and cast a cleaning spell on himself.

 

"That was clearly more fun for you that for me. My goodness, we'll have to do it again some time," he sneered as he left the cell and released the binding. 

 

I immediately crawled over to her.

 

"Hermione?"

 

"Don't, Ron. Just... don't!" I looking into her horrified eyes and saw them roll back into her head. 

 

I blinked and opened my eyes, seeing a concerned Harry. _Oh, shite. She must have fainted and broke the connection._

 

_This just kept getting worse,_ I thought to myself before tears flooded my eyes and I broke down. 

 

*****

A/N:  Alright, so this chapter got pretty dark and things look bleak for our dear Hermione.  I briefly wanted to take the moment to give an educational explanation about the rape scene.  Some women, due to a purely physiological imperative, do actually orgasm during a rape.  This causes an incredible amount of shame and guilt for these women, because they could not force their bodies to realize the non-consensual and violent nature of the physical/sexual contact.  The psychological toll this takes on these women is devastating and can be very damaging to their current and future intimate relationships, as well as their mental health.  I will discuss this more in the upcoming chapters, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging with this uncomfortable scene without some explanation.

Stick with me, I promise it will get better!  Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 


	6. Chapter 6 - Panic Attack

  
Author's notes: Many thanks to Thevina, my wonderfully supportive beta on this story!  


* * *

***** 

My eyes opened slowly and adjusted to the dim light in the dungeon. I took in a deep breath and tried to calm my pounding heart. More and more, I had been awakening to a steady pounding in my chest and in my head. I knew that it was merely a response to being held in a highly stressful and tense situation for- well, for Merlin knows how long, but it still unnerved me. I hated waking up and instantly feeling anxious.

 

_How long has it been?_

 

“I don’t know. Oh, great, now I’m asking myself questions and answering them as well. Even better, now I’m talking to myself. I’m actually talking to myself, telling myself that I’m talking to myself.” I laughed at my moment of neuroticism, glad to be able to find some amusement in the horrible situation I was in. 

 

_I suppose talking to myself isn’t that bad. I mean, it’s good to keep my mind working and thinking. Well, it’s good to keep myself distracted so I won’t focus on what he’s been doing to me. I can’t let him win._

 

I groaned inwardly, thinking about the torture I had been subjected to. I'd had both the Imperius and Cruciatus curses cast on me with such ease and simplicity. One would think the caster was doing a simple Reparo spell with how easy it seemed for him. My body and mind both ached from the magical intrusion. 

 

I was forced to live in a small cell, completely naked and completely without human dignity. I was fed only once a day and that had been truly wretched food. I had been given water twice a day, though I was certain there was a sleeping draught laced inside to guarantee my submission. However, in these matters I did not have a choice, because I needed to survive and being completely malnourished was not going to help. 

 

The living conditions paled when compared to what I had been subjected to physically. I had been compelled to masturbate far more times than I cared to believe possible. I had tried to fight it off, I really had. 

 

_I tried everything, but it just didn’t work. This is why Ron and Harry didn’t want me in the field with them- I was too big a risk._

 

I shook my head forcefully and tried to squash the guilt, the shame and the inadequacy which had become my steady friends _again._ I was aware that this was his plan; he wanted me to be so overcome with my shame and my guilt that I would willingly give up the secrets to turn the tide of the war. I may have had a weak resistance, a weak body, but my mind was resilient. I could force myself to push those thoughts aside for now. 

 

_I am going to be in therapy for the next ten years because of this. I’ll have to make sure to send that bastard the bill. Of course, I already was going to be in therapy for the next ten years- what’s another ten years?_

 

The worst thing was not what he forced me to do with my body or when he forced himself upon me. It was terrible and I knew my body would be scarred from his continual invasions. A woman cannot be raped repeatedly and not have internal scarring. 

 

_I only hope that a Mediwitch will be able to heal me before any permanent damage is done._

 

No, the worst thing was far more traitorous. My body actually responded to my own touches, responded to his forceful violation. 

 

_Slag._

 

_Scarlet._

 

_Tramp._

 

_Masochist._

 

I couldn’t help the thoughts that came into my mind. Somewhere, buried deep in a corner of my brain, I knew it wasn’t my fault that my body had responded to the stimulation, however rough and violent it was. I knew that an orgasm was a normal reaction to being physically stimulated. 

 

_And yet… I should be strong enough to not react when it’s not consensual. I should be strong enough to will my body to react in fear and revulsion, not to take some distorted pleasure. It’s not like I don’t know what fear is- hell, I have such high anxiety it’s a wonder I don’t have a heart condition. Anxiety is easy, it’s comfortable to me. Why doesn’t my body react like it normally does?_

 

_It’s not like I am being completely unreasonable,_ I mused to myself. _For crying out loud, I know that’s what is supposed to happen when everything is in working order! I only question that my body can react to such forceful and unwanted intrusions. Does this mean I like violence? Does this mean that I somehow want to be in that kind of relationship?_

 

I again shook my head, scrambling the thoughts that were invading my brain. I _knew_ it had nothing to do with my emotions, nothing to do with what kind of relationship I desired. I knew it was not my fault that I reacted like I did, that my anatomy made having an orgasm so easy for me. 

 

I knew all of my thoughts and emotions made logical sense, yet I still cursed my body for being built in such a way. I hated that I was physiologically primed to be able to enjoy sex so easily. Certainly, it had been a surprise to me the first few times I had consensual sex. I was so high strung that I didn’t believe myself able to orgasm at all. I had thought I would never feel relaxed, never feel boneless and without a trace of my usual worries. I cursed myself again for having ever enjoyed this surprising ability. 

 

_Why can’t I be like the countless women who can’t orgasm at all or who only orgasm rarely? Wouldn’t a life without such pleasure be better than this torture? Wouldn’t it be better to never have felt such exquisite sensations than to have violence, guilt, and shame tied to those feelings so completely now?_

 

_Detach yourself, Hermione. Stay distanced, cold, clinical, disassociated,_ I told myself. _Focus on things you logically know, don’t think about painful things right now- it’s not going to help anything._

 

I forced myself to clear my mind and think about ways to cope with the situation. I had been consciously blocking Ron from my mind since the first time. It seemed like months had passed since I last had seen him and Harry. By my rough estimate, it had been almost three weeks since I was captured. 

 

_I never thought I would be here this long. I thought for sure they would have found me by now. I don’t even know what’s going on outside._

 

Pushing Ron from my mind had taken a lot of effort, but I hadn’t wanted to subject him to having to watch me be tortured. 

 

_Who am I kidding? I didn’t want him to see me like this._

 

Ron’s face had somehow found its way behind my eyelids when I was being violated. I knew it wasn’t the spell, but I had wanted to keep his image away from the memory of what I was being subjected to. His concern swam into my consciousness with every forceful jolt of the Death Eater into my already raw and tender body. His protective urges flooded my body with every grunt and slap of flesh on flesh. His pity for my broken body inundated my spirit with each orgasm I ended at the Death Eater’s hands. 

 

I wanted to keep his feelings- whether they were perceived or real- away from the continual rapes I was enduring. I wanted to keep my feelings for him away from the memories, because I wanted him to stay pure, I wanted to protect him. Instead, I forced myself to remember the look on his face when he witnessed the first time my body betrayed me. 

 

I shuddered when I thought about what Ron must have told Harry, what Ron must have thought about me. I imagined he told Harry about what a trollop I am and how he never thought I was _like that_. I pictured him telling Harry about how he had thought I was someone different until he saw me like that and saw me enjoying it. 

 

_I didn’t enjoy it! Stop making it seem like I enjoyed it. Taking physical pleasure from stimulation is very different than enjoying it,_ I chided myself. I again tried to force my painful thoughts away.

 

_Ron would never do that to you,_ a small voice said. _Ron would never say those things about you, think those things about you. Ron is probably going crazy because he can’t be here with you, can’t save you._

 

I smiled briefly at that thought. _Yes,_ that is more like Ron- true friend through the worst of situations. Ron would be doing everything in his Gryffindor body to save me and wake me from this nightmare. 

 

_How is it that he can be so fiercely protective and possessive of me, and yet we are not together? Why hasn’t he claimed me as his own? Maybe I’ve misread what seems like hundreds of signs… maybe I just wanted him to want me so badly that I convinced myself he wanted me too. I just assumed he would want the same things I do_ , I mused inwardly. _Marriage, a house, jobs, eventually childr-_

 

“Oh!” I clapped a hand hard over my mouth. I tried counting dates in my head as I felt the panic rising in my chest. _Oh. My. NO!!!_ I counted again, trying to figure out whether I could possibly be jumping to conclusions. 

 

I should have gotten my period over a week ago. _Almost two weeks!_ Even with all of the stress my body was constantly under, I always got my period. It never failed. In fact, I envied women whose monthly visitors decided to take a holiday when they were overwhelmingly stressed. 

 

_Of course, that bastard never used a contraceptive charm and I’m not on the potion anymore._

 

_Damn you, Danny, you prat. If you and I were still together, I would have stayed on the potion and this would not be happening. Of course, the potion only lasts a month, but still. No. No, no, no. This cannot be happening. I cannot possibly be pregnant from this monster._

 

I began to think of Ron and how this should have been his child. I began to think how ridiculous I had been for dating other people who were clearly a substitute for the only person I had ever truly been in love with. I had given my virginity to a man whom I didn’t love, because I’d convinced myself it was easier than pining away after Ron forever. Now, in that moment, was the first time I had ever regretted that decision. 

 

I felt my heart palpitating hard against my ribs and heard the blood pumping forcefully through my veins. My world started crashing in, spinning wildly and oxygen was not penetrating the fog my mind and body created. 

 

_I can’t breathe. I’m going to die. I need to breathe. If I don’t breathe I’m going to die. I’m having a panic attack. I’m having a panic attack!_

 

As the realization of my panic attack set in, I forced my brain to suppress my reactions and to draw air into my body. I was no stranger to panic attacks, as unfortunate as they were. Although I could be calm under pressure, I tended to fall apart when nobody was watching. 

 

_I have to get out of here. I need to find the strength to get out of here. I have to try, damn it._

 

My resolve to escape returned with renewed vigor. I had allowed the violation of my body to weaken my will to flee and my energy to find a way out of this hell. 

 

I screwed my eyes shut, took deep, lasting breaths, and cleared my mind of everything but Ron: the way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he tasted, to the best of my imagination, his quirky smile, his strong muscles. I focused on how much I wanted him to be with me, how much I needed to hear him and see him and connect with him. I thought about how much I wanted to reach out and touch him, how much I wanted him to be able to reach out and touch me, feel me, hear me. 

 

_Destination, determination, deliberation. Destination, determination, deliberation._

 

Ron’s beautiful, albeit confused, face swam into view and relief flooded my body. He seemed less bright than I remembered, the colors of his body less vibrant than the last time I had seen him. 

 

_How did I live without this, without him this whole time? How could I ever think about shutting him out? He’s where I’m going to find my strength; he will help me find the way out of here._

 

“Ron?” I whispered into the still air. _Is that my voice? But, it can’t be! That person sounds so small and alone and scared. Was that really me?_

 

“Ron?” I cleared my throat and spoke a little louder this time. My voice still shook and my body trembled. _Yes, that must be me. But I sound so unlike myself that it hardly seems possible._

 

Ron’s face was screwed up in horrible pain, as though he was trying to block out a torturous thought. 

 

“Ron? Can you hear me?” I slowly moved closer to him, not yet ready to touch him. 

 

Ron turned his face toward my voice, but didn’t unclench his eyelids. 

 

“Are you real? Please tell me this isn’t just another dream. Please tell me I’m not going to wake up alone again, without you. Please still be alive, be my ‘Mione.” Ron’s voice was so hoarse and his body was completely tense.

 

_Oh, my. I didn’t expect that._ My heart tightened agonizingly at the clear anguish in his voice. I felt guilt flood me as I realized that my absence had worn heavily on him- my absence which had been both involuntary and voluntary. 

 

I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but nothing came out. Summoning all the strength left in my spirit, I tried again. 

 

“Ron… it’s me. Hermione… Ron, I’m so sorry- about everything. I miss you so much… please say something.”

 

Ron’s eyes remained tightly veiled, but he slowly reached out a hand. I grabbed for him, surprised when I could feel his skin against my palm. It was the first gentle human touch I had felt in almost three weeks. _Fitting that it’s him. He was the last person to touch me as well._

 

I squeezed his fingers gently, relishing how right the feel of his hand in mine had always been. I felt the first peace I had felt in weeks. 

 

Ron’s fingers left my hand and trailed up my arm. I looked at his face, realizing he had still not opened his eyes, though they were not clutched together as tightly as before. His hand continued up my arm to trace my neck and jaw. His fingers danced over my cheeks and my nose. 

 

I closed my eyes at the unexpected sensations which had hit my entire body. I felt safe and… _cherished._ Ron was re-familiarizing himself with the feel of my face. He seemed like he was trying to prove this was real, before opening his eyes and being disappointed if it was another dream. 

 

His fingertips caressed my eyelids and eyelashes, soft shudders of pleasure and desire traveling down my spine. The last destination: my lips. Ron’s thumb traced along my lower lip, his palm cupping my jawline. _This is not the time to focus on your attraction to your best mate,_ Ireproached myself _. But, bugger it all, it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way._

 

I cautiously opened my eyes, hoping and wishing with all my heart that this was real, that Ron was really touching me, was really here with me.

 

“Ron. Please. Look at me. Say something. Anything.” 

 

Ron’s eyelids slowly slid open and he blinked several times, his hand still firmly held on my jaw. 

 

“Hermione?” he whispered, barely breathing. “I thought you were dead, I thought you had left me forever, that I had lost you. Merlin, I- I- I-” His voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears. 

 

My glistening eyes mirrored the pain on his face. In a trance, I moved my hand to mimic his, touching his cheek and strong jaw with my palm. As one, we inched closer and found ourselves in the tightest embrace I had ever encountered. _Breathe, just breathe. It’s going to be okay._

 

Silent tears streamed down my face as I clutched Ron firmly to my body, unable to release even an inch of being able to touch him. As his hands slowly began to move up and down my spine in soothing, long strokes, I suddenly became aware of the fact that I was completely starkers.

 

My body started and Ron sensed the change immediately. Pulling his torso slightly back from mine, his eyes instantly found my face. 

 

“I don’t know how much time we have, but I know I have never been so relieved in all my life. I don’t want another moment to go by without you knowing how much you mean to me, how much I need you- have always needed you, will always need you.” 

 

Ron tentatively moved his face closer to mine again and brushed his soft lips ever so gently against my chapped ones. _Just a peck. Don’t read into it. You’re his best mate. Well, best mate after Harry. He misses you and cares about you._ I silenced the voice in my head and allowed the beautiful, hopeful feelings to inundate me. 

 

He leaned his forehead against mine and breathed in heavily. 

 

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” he asked softly, yet insistently. 

 

“I’m sure I’ll live. I’m… I’ve been… well, you already know what happened. It’s happened every single day since then, both the Imperius and Cruciatus curses. The Death Eater- well, the leader, has been doing… well, what he did to me the last time you saw me… he does that every day. They’ve been feeding me, but I think there’s been a sleeping draught in the water, because I sleep for almost the entire day. What’s happening outside? I haven’t given them any information, which is making them angry. I refuse to be the reason for Harry to lose the advantage.”

 

“Things aren’t good, ‘Mione. We’ve had a lot of losses and things have gone to hell at the Ministry. We don’t have time to go into all of it, but there’s been a shiteload of horrible changes. The bloody tide is turning to our side, but it’s been a hard battle these past few weeks… I’ll tell you when we get back. Let’s get out of this fucking place. You’ll side-along, yeah?”

 

I nodded my head, closed my eyes, and held onto Ron as he raised his wand. _Thank Merlin. I’m finally going home._

 

I had just barely felt slightly suffocated, as though I was being squeezed far too roughly when the top of my head exploded in pain. I heard Ron’s grunt of pain before my body seemed to expand back to its usual proportions. 

 

“Shite. Fuck. Damnit. Fuck.”

 

I smiled in spite of myself. _Some things just never change. It’s downright comforting to know._ “Language, Ronald.” I opened my eyes and the smile fell from my lips. 

 

“It didn’t work. Why didn’t it work?” Ron continued muttering under his breath, as though trying to work out the exact nature of the flaw.

 

“I’m sure there’s anti-apparition wards up here. It makes sense; I just wanted it to work, so I thought we could try it.” _Damnit indeed._

 

I bit my lip to stop from crying. I knew I needed to be strong and to keep a cool head, but I felt defeated. 

 

“Shush. Don’t cry.” Ron’s arms tightened around me again and he bent his head so that it rested next to mine. He breathed in heavily and shushed me softly, puffs of air moving next to my ear. 

 

“I have an idea. I think it will work, but you might not like it. I don’t think I like it… actually, I know I don’t like it, but it’s our best shot to get you out of here. So, Ginny has still not been able to get that locating spell of yours completed. Not to the point where it is working on locating people. She said there is some kink in the formula, but even with Arithmancy scholars working with her, they cannot isolate the problem-”

 

“What’s the problem?” I interrupted Ron in surprise. “I wish I knew, because I could probably tell her what to change-”

 

“‘Mione, I’m sure you could fix it, but it’s too complicated for me to even try to remember what she said, much less to repeat it to you. The important part is that she has the locator spell working on charmed objects. She has been able to charm various things, banish them thousands of miles, and still be able to pinpoint their location within a tenth of a meter. If I go back and get one of these objects, she’ll be able to find your location and I can come back with some of the Auror department. Wards and anti-apparition spells won’t matter, because we’ll already know where you are. That makes sense, yeah?”

 

“Yeah, Ron, that makes sense. Actually, it’s brilliant. But, for you to go back, I have to release you. I’ll have to stay here…” I trailed off. I had been alone for almost three weeks. He should be able to go and I could call him back within a couple hours. The thought of being alone again, more specifically, alone without him, was unbearable. _Chin up, it’s almost over. Just this last time and then you’ll be back home_. 

 

Ron sighed loudly and his shoulders slumped against me. Raising his head, his eyes sought mine and the blue looked more troubled than I had seen in ages. 

 

“I know and I don’t want to leave you. But it only needs to be for a couple hours, so I can get back and organize things. I need to get back to the Ministry, because Ginny and Harry are probably frantic by now. She’ll need to place the locating spell on something that can easily be hidden in here. I’ll need to coordinate with Harry to get the Auror division ready to attack. If you try to bring me back in a couple of hours, I’ll be ready. I’ll keep the object- whatever she ends up using, and my wand on my body, so that I’ll be ready to go whenever you bring me back here. Will you be okay?” His hands rubbed my upper arms again. 

 

“I have to be. I just don’t want you to go. I just got you back and I don’t want you to leave.” Tears continued to slip down my cheeks in protest of his impending departure. “But it might take more than a couple hours. They haven’t been down here yet since I woke up and I’m certain they will be soon. They usually force me to eat and drink and then I fall asleep for hours. I’ll try not to eat or drink much, but I still will be under the sleeping draught for a few hours. I’ll bring you back as soon as I can.” My chest constricted as I anticipated him leaving. 

 

“You better go, before they come back and I can’t hide you anywhere.”

 

“I wish I could leave you my cloak, but they’ll see it. I hate seeing you like this. Well,” Ron grinned cheekily, “I would love seeing you like this, but in an entirely different situation.”

 

I could have kissed him for trying to make me feel better about everything. “Honestly, Ronald. I cannot believe you just said that.” I felt the corners of my mouth tug upwards as I replied, knowing he would understand I was teasing him. 

 

“Well, you can’t fault me for being a bloke and trying to take advantage of the situation… Before you send me back, you do know how much I need you, yeah? I, I mean we, we need you, we miss you. I can’t wait to bring you home. I’ll be back before we both know it. I’m just so sorry I have to leave you here, because I know what you probably have to go through again. I wish there was some way I could protect you from all of it, but I know I can’t- not without them knowing that something is off and we can’t risk that.” 

 

“I know, Ron, I know… it’s okay. It’s nothing I haven’t been through before.” I hesitated and almost told him about my fears of being pregnant. _Not now. That will only make it worse._ I smiled weakly and hugged him close to my body. “You’ll come back and I’ll be home before you know it. I have faith in you. I know you’ll find the way. Until then, just know I believe in you, I trust you, and I know you will save me.”

 

I pulled back slightly and kissed his cheek with all of the reverence I felt for him. He turned his head and caught my lips in a simple, chaste kiss. _Oh, yes, this is lovely. This is what I had always imagined._ His lips rested against mine for too long to be considered friendly, but when his lips left mine, he then kissed my forehead. 

 

“Hon, send me back. The sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be back and we can wake up from this nightmare. You keep fighting, okay? I’ll fight for you too.”

 

He gave me one last heart-breaking look before closing his eyes and moving away from me. Pain wrenched through my body as I closed my eyes and severed the connection. 

 

I found myself alone again, cold and naked, on the floor of my cell. For mere moments I had thought I would never see this place again. 

 

I forced my mind to stray back and focus on the happy memories of the last ten minutes. I still felt the emptiness that continually plagued me while I was held captive in my prison. But, for the first time in almost three weeks, I wept happy tears for something I feared I would never have again- hope. 

 

I desperately grasped onto my feelings of hope as I heard the telltale sounds of footsteps on the staircase. 

 

_Only this last time. I only have to survive this last time and then I will be safe. I’ll be back to Ron and Harry and we’ll win this war._

 

I closed my eyes and waited for the worst, knowing I could endure it all because of the hope Ron had given me and his faith that I could keep fighting. 

 

*****

A/N:  Love it?  Hate it?  Hit that button and let me know what you're thinking!  All reviews are welcomed and greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! ~Risie


	7. Chapter 7 - Unveiled

  
Author's notes: As always, many thanks to my beta Thevina, who makes this story better in a multitude of ways- I promise you that it would have many more commas and rambling sentences without her.  


* * *

Wake Me, Chapter 7 (Unveiled)

 

 

*****

 

I woke with a start, shuddering from the remnants of my dream.  _Hermione._   I had not heard from her in over two weeks, not since I witnessed her being brutally raped.

 

_Two weeks._   I sighed dejectedly.  _I don’t even know if she’s still alive.  No, mustn’t think about that…  Merlin only knows what she’s had to go through while she’s been held.  And we still haven’t fucking found her.  Somehow I’m sure we would know if they had killed her, but where in the hell is she?_

 

In the past two weeks, I had tracked down more leads that got us nowhere than I cared to remember.  I knocked on hundreds of doors.  I listened to hundreds of voices.  

 

_We’re on the cusp of something, but what?  I know I’m missing a huge clue.  Hell, everyone is missing it.  Who at the Ministry could possibly have that kind of access? Who could have gotten those Death Eaters into the building unnoticed?  How high does this go?_

 

Groaning, I flung my legs out of my bed and leaned my elbows onto my knees.  I rubbed my face hard, and then scratched my scalp.

 

The Muggle alarm clock Hermione gave me read 0323 (because Hermione insisted that a 24-hour clock was the most accurate way to tell time), but I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep.  A couple hours here and there was all I was managing these days.  

 

_Hermione.  Damn if everything doesn’t remind me of her.  I can’t even look at the clock without seeing her face or thinking of some memory of her._

 

I shuddered forcefully at a particularly painful idea.  _This is what it would be like if we lost Hermione, if I could never see her again.  Everywhere I look, the world would seem empty, but I would never be free of her memory haunting me._

 

Shoving the thoughts aside, I resigned myself to getting up and making some coffee before going in early.  I had been working almost around the clock since she was taken and I had no intention of stopping until she was safely back at home with me.  

 

The light from the kitchen was visible from the hallway and I immediately knew that Harry couldn’t sleep either.  

 

_What’s new about that!  He had nightmares before all of this ever happened.  If I could just convince him that this is not his fault, that the blame is all mine… he’ll never believe me though.  Stubborn wanker._

 

As I padded down the hall into the kitchen, I was surprised to see red hair peeking from over one of the dining chairs.  Coming more fully into the room, I saw that Ginny was curled up sleeping at the table.  Harry was nowhere in sight, but stacks of parchment were strategically placed all around the surface of the table and on several chairs.  

 

Much as I hated to disturb her, I knew she would get a crick in her neck and be grumpy in the morning.  A hand to her shoulder, I gently shook her back to consciousness.  

 

“Ginny?  Come on, let’s get you up and into bed, yeah?”

 

She stirred, seemingly confused about where she was for a moment.  

 

“Ron?  Mmm.  I’m up, I’m-” she yawned deeply, “up.  No point ’n going back to sleep. I need to be up and working.  What time is it?”

 

“About half-three.  Seriously Ginny, you need to get some sleep.  Maybe things will click if you catch a few more hours.”

 

“Nah, I’ll just drink some coffee.  Want some?”  More yawns.  This situation was threatening to kill us all from sleep deprivation, but we all stubbornly refused to stop plodding ahead.  I don’t think any of us knew to do anything else, except follow what would have surely been Hermione’s example.  If it had been any of us, she would have researched and worked tirelessly until we were home safely.  _Home.  She needs to be here with us._

 

“Don’t get up- I’ll make us a nice strong pot.  Where’s Harry?  I thought for sure it would be him out here.”

 

I got up and started moving about the kitchen, grabbing the special blend of bold coffee beans that Harry insisted on buying and grinding them into coarse pieces with a flick of my wand.  

 

“He went to go take a shower.  I must have only dozed off for a few minutes.  I just know I’m missing something.  It actually hurts to think, but I feel like if I relax the idea will slip away.  You know when you have an idea on the tip of your tongue, but you somehow can’t find the words?  It’s like that.  Oy, Ron?”

 

I turned around to see her sticking her tongue out at me, but she was grinning as she did it.

 

“Yoo thee… isth on the thip off ma tonk… canth yoo thee it?”  She grabbed her tongue and continued pointing at the tip as she tried to speak with it hanging out of her mouth.  

 

Unable to help myself, I quickly crossed over to her and pulled her tongue before she could put it back in her mouth.  “I dunno, Ginny.  I might have to cut this off and examine it, if we’re going to get any good information out of your tongue-”

 

“Is this some weird sibling thing I just wouldn’t get?  Honestly, Ron.  Why the hell is Gin’s tongue between your grubby fingers?”  Harry had just walked into the kitchen from his shower, hair dripping wet.  

 

_When was the last time we all actually teased each other and were light-hearted?  I can’t even remember the last time- certainly not since Hermione was taken._

 

I pulled my hand away and wiped it on my trousers before turning back to making coffee.  

 

“I was just looking at the tip of her tongue for an elusive answer,” I threw over my shoulder.

 

Ginny snorted at this answer, and Harry appeared utterly confused, but far too tired to even bother to ask about it.

 

“Well,” Harry began conversationally, “I suppose the tip of Gin’s tongue is as good a place to look as any.  Everywhere else we have looked has gone spectacularly to shite.”

 

I placed the coffee mugs, cream and sugar on the table, before my wand directed the steaming liquid into our cups. As I prepared my coffee, I cleared my throat and looked at the pair.  “We are missing something, that much is clear.  I can’t help but think it all started with access at the Ministry.  If we find out where the access came from, that’s where this is all going to end.”

 

“Fuck, I thought we were rid of all this shite when the Ministry was completely re-constructed years ago.  Those changes were the only reason we came over to the Ministry in the first place.”

 

Ginny snorted into her mug, “Yeah, that and you needed more power, more resources, you simply couldn’t live without me…  you know, changes at the Ministry.”

 

I smirked at Harry, knowing that Gin definitely had him pegged.  They shared a meaningful look before she cautiously turned her eyes on me.  _That look is never good._

 

“Ron,” she began slowly.

 

“Ginny,” I warned her softly, somehow knowing I did not want to hear what she was about to say.

 

“Ron, it’s just… we’ve been talking and, well, we want… we want you to reconsider.  It may be the only way and-”

 

I cut her off by groaning loudly and thumping my head equally loudly on the tabletop.  “Come off it, you two.  I already told you I can’t let you see the memory.  It’s bad enough to have the memory and to have lived through it.  I already told you everything that happened and gave you both anything I thought would be helpful.  I can’t let you see what happened- she would be so mortified and betrayed if she knew that I had showed you.  As it is, she’ll be completely embarrassed that you know about it.  Can’t you see…”  

 

I swallowed roughly.  I really was torn as to whether or not to show them the memory in our pensieve.  On the one hand, they were completely right- there was absolutely no question as to the value of them seeing the memory.  On the other hand, they had no idea just how horrific the experience had been for both of us, her being raped and me having to watch, but unable to help in any way.  Hermione was so sensitive to people thinking she was weak in any way, regardless of whether those people were her best friends and loved her no matter what.  She would be furious with me for willingly showing one of her weakest moments.  _But it wouldn’t really matter.  She would forgive you if that’s what helps her to be rescued._

 

I looked up to catch more silent communication passing between Harry and Ginny.  _Merlin, I miss doing that with Hermione and feeling like I am part of a special club, too._   

 

“When she never forgives me and I lose her trust, you lot get to be the ones who smooth everything over and force her to open up to me again.  I just wouldn’t be able to bear it if we got her back and she couldn’t trust me anymore.  Yeah?”

 

Ginny nodded enthusiastically and Harry gave me a knowing tip of his head.  _Yeah, they both know.  I suppose she’s the only one who’s truly blind to my feelings for her._

 

I sighed heavily and focused on the memory, calling it to the forefront of my mind.  This was not very difficult, because I had been ruminating on it over and over for two weeks, trying to find some small clue.  I kept my eyes closed as I heard the pensieve being placed on the table surface in front of my head. I placed my wand to my temple and began to extract the memory, a strange sensation passing through my skull.  _I hate that._   Having a memory physically removed from my mind felt like someone had drilled a small whole in my skull and poured chilled water through it. I pulled the ethereal strand from my temple and batted it down into the swirling surface of the pensieve.  I stirred the memory and looked up to see Harry and Ginny holding their wands.

 

“Ready?  Okay, just remember that I warned you.  I’m not sure if you’ll be able to feel her emotions like I felt them that day, but I guess we’ll know in a moment.  Also, I couldn’t see her at first, I could only hear her.  Let’s go,” I said. 

 

I leaned forward and found myself in darkness, with Hermione’s voice calling out to me and my own bewildered voice calling back to her.  I felt the relief course through my body at hearing her voice.  

 

“That’s the strangest thing.  I can feel your relief, Ron.”   _Ginny.  I almost forgot they were here with me._

 

“Oh, good.  I thought perhaps I was just remembering that feeling myself.”

 

“No, mate.  I feel it too,” Harry said in the darkness.

 

I heard myself wishing I could see her and suddenly the dim dungeon swam before my eyes.  She was speaking in the memory and I saw myself try to touch her.  

 

_Merlin, I miss her so much.  I can’t live without her._

 

The memory continued, Harry and Ginny taken a bit back when Hermione screamed out the bars of her cell.  Finally, the Death Eater’s voice rang through the memory. Gin gasped loudly at hearing his voice, then again while watching both Hermione and I throw our heads back in pain from the Crucio curse.  Hermione’s image began to touch herself and the Death Eater snarled about her weakness and her shame.  

 

_I still can’t place the voice.  Dammit._

 

“I tire of you, puppet…”

 

_Shite, here it comes.  She’s about to have her clothes and dignity banished and then we’ll both be bound by the same spell.  She’s going to be violated and Ginny and Harry will see I couldn’t do anything about it._

 

Even as my own feelings of guilt and remorse were flooding through my consciousness, I saw Hermione being raped in the memory.  Her poor body was viciously invaded over and over again. I heard Ginny’s soft cries and was startled to see tears in Harry’s eyes.  _I shouldn’t be surprised.  He’s like her brother._   I felt wetness on my cheeks and realized I had also been overcome with the brutality toward my best friend.  

 

“No!”  Harry screamed at the Death Eater, as though he could stop the memory from hurting our Hermione.  “NO,” he screamed louder as the Death Eater reached forward to stimulate her clitoris.  “You fucking bastard!”

 

“Shh.  Shh.”  I turned to see Ginny gently stroking his back and hushing him as he watched Hermione being violated and then her being forced to enjoy it.  

 

“My goodness, we’ll have to do it again some time.” The Death Eater’s sneer filled the air with bitterness and hatred.  

 

Suddenly my image tried to reach her, but her eyes rolled back into her head and then Harry’s image invaded the memory.  I watched my broken soul cry and ache for Hermione, knowing I could not be with her. I watched Harry’s image try to console me, try to pull me together so I could speak.  “You’re okay.  You’re okay.  You’re safe.  Come back to us, come on now.  I need you, mate.  I can’t do this without you.  You’ve got to help me and Ginny.”    

 

I saw him stroking my back, holding me tightly, kissing the back of my hair.  I saw him rocking my body as I shuddered and screamed.    

 

_I don’t really remember any of this.  Well, I must if it’s in the memory, but still.  I must have scared the shite out of him for him to act like that._

 

I looked at the present-time Harry and Ginny and asked with my eyes if they were ready to leave.  At their nods, I felt my body rise out of the pensieve and found myself sitting once again at the table. I didn’t even try to hide the tears which were still streaming down my face.  I closed my eyes, put my head in my hands, and allowed the pain, the anguish to flood my senses.  I needed to feel something- anything _._   I needed to know I was still alive.  The past two weeks had felt like I constantly lived within two extremes: agony and numbness.    

 

I felt a large, strong pair of arms holding my body from behind, anchoring me to this life, this reality.  I felt an equally strong, though much smaller, pair of arms holding me from the front.  Harry and Ginny were surrounding me with their love and their strength.  

 

_Let go.  Just give in to the moment._

 

They continued to hold me, surprising me with their tolerance for closeness to me.  I had felt unworthy of their love and acceptance.  I had felt that they should hate me for not being able to help Hermione somehow- her best friend and his sister.

 

I cried until I thought my body was drained of tears.  I sobbed until I thought I couldn’t possibly let anything more out.  And yet, I still cried more.  I mourned for what had been taken from her, and what had somehow been taken from me.  I grieved for what was missing in all of our lives. When I thought I simply could not possibly handle any more anguish, I felt my burden beginning to lift.  I felt air filling my lungs and blood pumping through my veins.  

 

Gin and Harry must have sensed the change, because they loosened their respective holds on me.  Gin stood from the floor, wincing from kneeling for so long and pulled a chair next to me.  I heard Harry do the same on my other side.  

 

_Breathe.  Breathe.  We can fix this.  Breathe.  Breathe.  We will find her.  Just breathe._

 

“Thanks.  I guess I needed that more than I realised.”  I was too tired to even feel remotely embarrassed about breaking down.  Of anyone, these two best friends, my family, knew what Hermione meant to me.  I loved them like family and like my best friends.  I felt that way about Hermione, too, but she was so much more.  _So much.  If only she really knew it, I wouldn’t have as many regrets._

 

“It’s okay, Ron.  I think we all needed it.  You weren’t the only one crying as if there was no tomorrow in sight,” Harry said shakily.   

 

I took a couple deep breaths and looked up at the pair.  I was only somewhat startled to see both had red, puffy eyes.  Ginny, however, also looked like she was about to burst with excitement.  

 

“What is it, Gin?”

 

Harry piped up, “Do you know who that bastard was?  I know I’ve heard that voice somewhere, but I just can’t place it.”

 

Gin continued to look triumphant.  “I know exactly who that is!”

 

I let out an excited whoop and picked her up and twirled her around.  “I always knew you were the smartest Weasley.  I love it when you prove me right!”  I put her back on her feet and caught Harry’s thrilled grin.  “So, who is it?”

 

“Did you two have to go through a psychological evaluation when you joined the Ministry?”

 

I exchanged a confused look with Harry.  _Does she think we’re crazy or something?_

 

“Um, yeah.  Why, think we need another one?” Harry asked, being his typical smart-arsed self.

 

“Maybe, you git, but that’s not why I’m asking.  Do you remember the wizard who administered all of those psychological assessments?  O’Cleary?  That was him.  I’m absolutely sure of it.”  She looked at us expectantly.

 

I thought back on my memories and something started to click.  Ginny continued to talk, while I tried to work out how this could be possible.  

 

“The last time you told us that the Death Eater said he was going to punish Hermione with shame.  Who would know to do something like that?  We only know she’s so sensitive to it because she’s our best friend.  In this memory, he said she was placed within the Ministry because she would be useful.  So it definitely must be someone with administrative powers and the ability to hire staff.  Also, who else could have known that Hermione can resist the Imperius curse when it’s a cognitive command, but she can’t resist the physical commands?  I’m positive it’s him.  We need to get back to the Ministry and detain him before we do anything else.  We don’t know who else is involved and we need to keep the element of surprise.  Oi!  Are you two listening?”

 

I had been staring at Ginny, with my mouth gaping open.  I shook my head to clear the fog and said, “Ginny, you’re so brilliant.  In fact, you’re the second-most-brilliant witch I know.  And you know that’s a huge compliment.  I going to throw on some clothes and then we’ll go over together.”  

 

I crushed her to my side in a hug as I passed to go to my room.

 

_Finally, we have something to go on.  We might actually find her today!_

 

However, the day did not go as planned.  Hell, the week didn't go as planned.  When we got to the Ministry, O’Cleary was nowhere to be found and he hadn't been in to work for almost two weeks.  We interrogated every person within his department and every person whom he could have potentially come into contact with.  _Nothing.  Fucking, absolutely nothing._

 

Well, not nothing _._   Although we had not caught O’Cleary yet _,_ evidence of his involvement with Voldemort was uncovered.  The Ministry was turned upside-down in a massive hunt to seek out everyone who was spying.  We caught nearly one hundred Death Eaters within the ranks of the Ministry- no doubt placed there by O’Cleary.  The tide was finally turning in the War, and we delivered a colossal blow to Voldemort’s quest.  

 

_How can we make so much progress in a week on our nearly lifelong work, and yet not have one substantial clue about Hermione?  I know they’re holding onto her as a bargaining chip, I just know it.  They won’t give her up without a fight.  Well, neither will I._   

 

The hope I had been feeling that night in our flat began to recede, but Ginny still provided our best progress as far as Hermione was concerned.  

 

_Ironic, she’s the only one of us who’s not an Auror, and she’s practically made all of the progress these past couple weeks._  

 

Ginny had still been unable to get the locator spell to work and though she consulted with countless supposed experts, they couldn't get some formula working.  I had never actually wished I had taken Arithmancy until she told me she needed Hermione for it to work on a person.  Luckily, she had a lot of luck with banishing charmed objects and locating them within a tenth of a meter.  She thought that if we could find a way to banish something to Hermione, we would be able to locate her that way.  

 

The only hitch in this plan was having to find a way to get the charmed object to Hermione.  We could wait for her to summon me again, but that was looking like the least likely plan, as she had not been able to in reach me in almost three weeks.  _Is she unable to or is she too ashamed to?_

 

Ginny had started to develop a new spell which could banish an object to a specific person, rather than to just a place, even if the location of the person was unknown.  The idea itself was brilliant, because it could be used to send supplies to our operatives in the field, without us knowing where we could reach them.  The process was a slow one, but at that point, it was our best option.  I spent nearly every waking moment between her and Harry, trying to sort out any kinks in the plans.

 

I had all but given up the hope that I would see Hermione anytime soon when I felt a familiar pull on my body.  Although I wasn’t touching anything, the sensation was almost exactly the same as when a portkey activates.  I closed my eyes instinctively, waiting for the unsettling feeling to pass.

 

“Ron?”  I heard her voice, but couldn’t allow myself to hope.  “Ron?”  There it was again, but I still couldn’t believe it might be her.  I felt tears begin to spring under my eyelids and clenched them even more tightly together.  

 

A deep breath and I knew I had to say something, just in case it really was her.   

 

“Are you real?  Please tell me this isn’t just another dream.  Please tell me I’m not going to wake up alone again, without you.  Please still be alive, be my ‘Mione.”

 

_Well, I didn’t really expect to say that, but honesty is never the wrong way to go._

 

I heard her voice respond, but I couldn’t force my mind to focus on what the voice was saying.  I felt soft fingers reach into my palm and squeeze gently.  I still couldn’t compel my eyes to open.  My body, acting of its own volition, decided to enjoy this rare opportunity to touch her, to re-learn the contours of her skin, even if it was a dream.  

 

My hands skimmed up her arm, feeling the small semi-circle scar near her elbow.  _Still there,_ I thought _._   They traced up to her delicate shoulders, her graceful neck, the dips in her clavicle.  My fingertips traced the soft line of her jaw, so soft _,_ and cupped her cheek.  _Her cheek used to be fuller, but this is her.  I would know her face anywhere, even with my eyes closed._   

 

I felt the bridge of her nose, her eyelashes, her every feature.  _Merlin, I wish this was real.  This must be a dream come true, because I’m finally touching her again._   I moved my hand to touch the last place I knew as well as the back of my own hand.  I moved my thumb over her mouth, to caress her lower lip.  _I wish I knew what it would feel like to brush it with my lips instead of my thumb._

 

I focused on the feelings rushing through me: relief, love, being cherished.  I wished I could give all of those to Hermione and have her hold onto them for a lifetime. I heard her voice asking me to open my eyes, and I could not refuse her, though I expected the feel of her to disappear as soon as I was able to see again.

 

I slowly blinked my eyes open and nearly died to see her truly looking back at me.  “Hermione?” I whispered, barely breathing.  “I thought you were dead, I thought you had left me forever, that I had lost you.  Merlin, I- I- I-”  My voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears.  

 

I saw her moving slowly towards me, just before I felt her hand on my scruffy cheek.  I suddenly couldn't stand the few inches between us and clutched her tightly, so tightly, to my chest.  When I felt like I was holding her as closely as I could, I tightened my grip again, refusing to let go of the vision of hope in my arms.  _I never want to let go.  Never.  I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to let her out of my sight again._   Her strength and desperation echoed my own, our embrace going on and on and on, until she suddenly stiffened in my arms.  

 

_Oh, shite, I’m probably hurting her._

 

I pulled my body back slightly and looked directly into her chocolate eyes.  _I need to tell her.  She needs to know._

 

“I don’t know how much time we have, but I know I've never been so relieved in all my life.  I don’t want another moment to go by without you knowing how much you mean to me, how much I need you- have always needed you, will always need you.”  

 

_Courage, man, courage.  You’re a Gryffindor.  Just lean forward a bit and you’ll actually touch her._

 

After gathering my courage, I leaned forward and dared to brush my lips gently onto hers.  _Soft, but chapped._   My eyes had closed, but I opened them, before pulling back.  I caught a glimpse of peace on Hermione’s face and I was relieved to know I had not completely scared her off by showing my affection for her.  I leaned my forehead against hers and breathed her in.

 

I asked her if she was hurt and she confirmed my worst fears: what I had witnessed was just the very beginning of her torture.  She had been subjected to the Imperius and Cruciatus curses, as well as being raped and ridiculed, for the past three weeks.  I died a little, hearing what she had to endure while we could not find her.    

 

_I have to get her out of here.  I can touch her and hold her this time.  That means she can side-along while I Apparate us out of here._

 

I answered her questions and caught her up on the outside world quickly, before telling her she should side-along with me.  I closed my eyes, feeling her grip on my body.  My body felt as though it was being squeezed through a straw, before the top of my skull exploded into pain.  I sharp crack brought us back down into the dungeon and I knew it had failed.  

 

“Shite.  Fuck.  Dammit.  Fuck.”

 

Even with everything going to shite, she still found the energy to tease me about my language.  

 

_Why the fuck didn’t that work?  It should have worked!_

 

As she reminded me of the anti-Apparition wards, I felt my hope fall flat.  She must have sensed my defeat, because she was biting her lip and tears were threatening to spill.  I pulled her flush with my body again, our cheeks resting against one another.  _I can’t bear to look at her, my heart’s breaking.  I have to leave her here._

 

I swallowed roughly and told her about Ginny’s brilliant progress in the locating spells.  If I could just leave one of the objects with her, I knew we would be able to find her.  She agreed to the plan and realised it was the best option, but then she realised I would have to leave her alone again.  

 

I felt the moment she realised she would have to stay.  _Merlin, she knows what I’m having to ask of her.  She has to endure everything one more time, before we will be able to get to her.  Fuck, I wish there was another way, but I know this is it._   

 

I tried to reassure her, tried to convey my confidence that everything would be fine soon.  _Fine.  I don’t think I’ll ever truly be fine again._   I rubbed her upper arms gently, finally realising she was still naked.  I had known she was, but I was so focused on her being alive and trying to get out of here that I had managed to forget.  

 

I snorted internally, musing that this would be the one and only time I would have a naked Hermione in my arms and be _unaware_ of how gorgeous she was.  _Too late.  Now, I know._   I focused my mind on her telling me that she would be unable to call me back for a few hours, because of the daily routine.  _Just a few hours, just a little more time._

 

I decided to make light of the situation, to give her something to remember in the next while.  

 

“I wish I could leave you my cloak, but they’ll see it.  I hate seeing you like this.  Well,” I grinned cheekily at her, “I would love seeing you like this, but in an entirely different situation.”

 

_There, more honesty.  I’ll tell her when we get home that I really meant it._

 

“Honestly, Ronald.  I cannot believe you just said that,” she sounded cross, but I noted the upturned corners of her mouth and felt successful that my comment took us back to the familiar teasing we thrived on.

 

_Tell her.  Don’t leave without her knowing you really mean how much you need her._

 

“Before you send me back, you do know how much I need you, yeah?  I, I mean we, we need you, we miss you.  I can’t wait to bring you home.  I’ll be back before we both know it…”  I kept talking and she said something back, but I couldn’t hear her above the thudding of my heart, which had sunk to somewhere near my bellybutton.   _I can’t do it.  I can’t leave.  If I don’t go now, I’ll never go._

 

“…Until then, just know I believe in you, I trust you, and I know you will save me.”

 

She pulled back from me and kissed my cheek.  _Merlin help me, I can’t resist her._   Without thought or hesitation, I turned my head and caught her lips in a soft, simple kiss, but _oh._   It was a kiss I had waited for, a kiss I had longed for.  It was a symbol of something I had turned away and had always regretted. _I’ll never forget this moment._  I let my lips linger on hers, all the while knowing now was not the time to be thinking of how much I needed to have her, how much she needed to be mine.  I pulled back and kissed her forehead, blessing the beautiful courage which lay within the depths of her mind.  

 

_Now or never.  Let go now and this will all end today._

 

“Hon, send me back.  The sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be back and we can wake up from this nightmare.  You keep fighting, okay?  I’ll fight for you too.”  I heard my traitorous voice asking to be sent away from her.  

 

_Damn, but it kills me to leave._

 

I took my last look, as though my heart would break.  It was the look of a condemned man taking one last look at everything he had ever wanted before being torn away. I closed my eyes and stepped away from her, not strong enough to see the pain in her eyes as I left her there alone.  The familiar pulling sensation pulling at my navel wretched me away from my best friend, my everything, and suddenly I was back in Ginny’s office. I groaned as I fell into the chair with a bang, and I noticed the commotion of voices completely halt.  

 

“Ron!  Where the fuck have you been?  I swear, I’m going to kill you!  I thought you were somehow taken like Hermione was and I’ve been frantic with worry.  Harry and half of your Auror squad is out searching for you.”

 

Ginny launched herself into my arms and simultaneously smacked the back of my head.  

 

“Ow!  It’s not as though I did it on purpose.  Shite, Ginny, that hurt!  Wait-” I caught her hand before she could smack me again.  “I saw her.  She’s alive.  She’s still alive.”

 

I felt Ginny’s legs sag against me, before she expelled a huge puff of air.  Looking down into her petite face, I saw both her smile and her tears.  “Hush.  It’s going to be okay.  You’re going to save the day.”  

 

“Me?  But, how?  I still can’t get the banishing spell to work.”  She released her hold on me and flicked her wand.  Her patronus raced out, I assume to notify Harry that I’ve been found.  

 

“She’s going to summon me again- in just a few hours.  I just need you to give me one of your charmed objects with a locator spell on it and then, we wait for her.”

 

“She’s really going to bring you back to her?  She’s certain that she can do it again?”

 

“Well, this time I could actually touch her, I could hold her.  Hell, I tried to side-along Apparate her out of there with me, but we cracked our heads on the wards and fell back into the dungeon.”  I rubbed my head absentmindedly. _Fuck that hurt,_ “I hated to leave her there.  Gin, they haven’t even given her back her clothes.”  Ginny flicked her wand again and my head instantly felt better.

 

I smiled slightly as I remembered the kiss.  _Actually, two kisses._ “Merlin, Ginny.  I kissed her.  I actually did it.”

 

“You what?  You chose now to kiss her?  What the hell is the matter with you?”

 

I looked down at her and felt insecurity about the kisses for the first time.  “What do you mean?  It’s not like I shoved my tongue down her throat or anything.  I just pecked her on the lips.  And it was brilliant _._ ”

 

“You chose to finally kiss her when she’s naked and scared and probably dying for any kind of human touch that isn’t torture or rape.  Honestly, Ron, you’re so much smarter than that.  I can’t imagine what would possess you to do that.  I just hope she took it as you trying to comfort her and nothing else.”

 

_Fuck.  I didn’t even think about all of that shite.  I just wanted to show her how much I missed her and needed her.  I’ll tell her once she’s safe.  I’ll tell her everything._

 

“I can’t even think about it right now, Ginny.  I just have to hope that she knows my intentions were only to show her how much I missed her and was relieved she was alive.  I’m going to tell her everything once we finally get her back home.  But, until then, I can’t focus on it.  Now, let’s get you started on a charmed object- what shall we use?”

 

I tried to force the thoughts to the back of my mind as we prepared the charmed brick, the easiest thing to leave there, without it being easily noticed.  Once the brick was shrunk, it looked like a mere pebble which may have crumbled off of the wall.  I debriefed Harry and reassured her that our girl was still going strong, despite everything she had been through.  _Because that’s my girl.  That’s right, my girl.  Well, she will be mine.  She has to be mine._   I didn’t tell him about the kiss, though I was sure Ginny would the second she caught him alone.

 

Once the team was briefed and the charmed brick was resting in my pocket next to my wand, I sat back and waited for Hermione to call me back to her side.  

 

I closed my eyes and allowed the earlier feelings to wash over me.  _Love, pure and simple.  Love for her.  Hope, for what she could someday be to me.  Relief, for her very existence._   The memory of her absolutely exquisite face under my fingertips flitted through my mind with the memory of my belief that she was a figment of my imagination, a creation of my heart’s deepest desire.        

 

_I’ll bring her home and that will be the beginning of the end._

 

_She’ll crawl into my bed and beg to stay with me, because she'll only feel safe when I am with her.  I’ll hold her and rub her back.  If she wakes up from a nightmare, I’ll just hold her even more tightly.  If she cries out in her sleep, I’ll shush her and remind her she’s safe with me, that I’ll never leave her.  I’ll make her believe it, I’ll make her feel it._

 

_She’ll get so used to sleeping in my arms that it will be uncomfortable for either of us to try to sleep alone ever again.  She’ll reach out for me in her sleep, and pull me in closer to her.  I won’t be able to get much closer though, because I’ll be spooned against her body all night long.  I’ll be able to smell the vanilla in her hair.  I’ll practically be able to taste the salt on her skin._

 

_When the time is right, I’ll tell her how I feel about her.  Finally.  There won’t be any holding back, there won’t be any fear that she’ll reject me.  I’ll have proven that I’m worthy of her and that I can take care of her forever.  I’ll deserve her and she’ll realise there’s no way we can just be friends.  I’ll tell her I love her and that there is no one else in the world who I want to be with for the rest of my life.  I’ll tell her she is my life and my everything.  I’ll tell her about my dreams of a home, living next door to Ginny and Harry, kissing her pregnant belly, kids running in the backyard, so much love to go around that we won’t know what to do with ourselves._

 

_She’ll be so overcome with happiness that the only thing for her to do will be to cry, and kiss me, and declare that she’s always been mine.  She’ll tell me that those are her dreams, that we want the same things.  She’ll promise me she could never have been anyone else’s, she could never have lived without me by her side.  She’ll kiss me and kiss me and kiss me until we can’t breathe.  She let me touch her, she’ll let me love her._

 

_That fantasy of being inside her will be nothing like the reality.  I know she will be so much better, because it will be forever.  She’ll let me taste her, let me hold her while she comes.  Merlin, she’ll be so beautiful, her hair fanned out across my pillow, her body sweaty and flushed, her brilliant smile lighting up the bedroom.  She’ll be under me, over me, all around me, and we’ll never stop loving each other.  We’ll-_

 

“Ron?  You’ve gone to that dirty place in your mind, haven’t you?”

 

I groaned as Ginny interrupted the lovely turn of my thoughts.  I opened my eyes and raised a brow at her in question.

 

“It’s just that you’ve got a semi-smirk on your face mixed with a look of utter contentment and a smile a kilometer long.  Need I ask what you’re thinking about?”

 

I tried to hide my embarrassment, and just said, “I’ve no idea what you’re going on about Gin.  I’m just enjoying relaxing for a while before everything hits the fan.  No sense in being all keyed up for nothing.”  

 

_There.  That sounded reasonable.  Shite, that might fool anyone but her.  Damn._

 

“Just be careful, Ron.  I know how badly you want this- have wanted this for so long.  I just want you to go slow, otherwise everything could be ruined, yeah?  Remember, you’re the one who rejected her and broke her heart years ago.  This might not be as easy as you want to think.  I’m trying to look out for you.”

 

“I know.  I’ll try to make sure that nothing happens that I won’t be able to take back- not like the last time.  Thanks, Ginny.”  

 

I felt the need to tell her how much her support means to me.  _Can’t leave anything unsaid.  Can’t leave anything up to fate or destiny._ If there was anything that this situation with Hermione had really proven to me, it was that you never know what may be the last time you see someone.

 

“Gin?  I wanted you to know that I really am quite proud of you.  You really are going to be the one that everyone knows saved Hermione in the end.  I love you for that and for everything else.”

 

“Getting mushy on her before you leave, little Ronniekins?  What about me- don’t you love me too?”  Harry cut in as he walked back into Ginny’s office.  His impish grin never failed to make an appearance at the most inconvenient of times.  

 

“Oy, Potter,” Ginny shot back at him.  “I was just getting a well deserved compliment from my big brother, so shut it, you git.  As for you, Ron, I love you, too.  Chin up.  It’s almost over.”

 

“Ron knows I’m just taking the mickey,” Harry retorted cheekily.  

“I’ll see you out there, okay big brother?  We’re just waiting for the call.  Bring her back to us safe and-”

 

I didn’t hear another word as a pull behind my navel signaled that I was finally going to get my love to bring her home.  I closed my eyes and waited to see her beautiful face.

 

_I’m bringing her home.  I’m bringing her home._   

 

*****

 

Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated! ~Risie


	8. Chapter 8 - Slipping Further Away

  
Author's notes:

First and foremost, so many thanks to Thevina, my fantastically talented beta. 

* * *

Wake Me, Chapter 8 (Slipping Further Away)

 

 

*****

 

_Not much longer now.  I’m going home soon.  I’m going home!_

 

From the moment I sent Ron back, I felt a headache trying to force its way into being the primary focus of my existence.  Actually, even trying to understand how this spell of mine was working in order to send him back and forth was the kind of material that my headaches just loved to feed on.  

 

_I just have to live through all of this one more time._

 

Time seemed to be moving slowly, the moments dragging by with uncharacteristic leisure and sluggishness.  I had once heard that work expands to fit the amount of time allotted to it.  I wondered if perhaps time was deciding to be cruel to me and slowing its progress so I would be forced to endure even more time in the dungeon.  _Too paranoid, even for me._   I nearly laughed at how impatient I was becoming.

 

_I need to distract myself.  I need to focus on the future._

 

Ron.  Despite my resolve to think about the future and focus on getting back home, my thoughts automatically strayed where they shouldn’t dare go.  Specifically, my thoughts strayed to a certain red-headed bloke who occupied my past, near-present, and hopefully my future as well. 

 

_Don’t do this, not again.  I can’t let myself get my hopes up; not when I know the dangerous path I went down last time.  It’ll just hurt too much.  No.  I’ll just have to be satisfied with the friendship- strong friendship- that he offers me and let the other dreams go._

 

I waited as the minutes dragged by, feeling the gentle beat of my heart pumping in my chest.  One, two, three… _What’s that called again?_    Seven, eight, nine…  _Something to do with sensitivity to your internal heart regulation…_   Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen…   _Interoceptive sensitivity, isn’t it?_   Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one...  

 

I counted my heart beats, forcing my body to remain in the relative calm of the moment.  I had always been particularly in tune with my heart rate, and any fluctuations in the speed or volume of pumping frequently caused me some anxiety.  _Any reason to get anxious about something is a good reason, eh?_   However, when the beating of my heart was consistent and stable, I used the rhythm of the steady pumping as an anchor.  

 

People with high anxiety tend to be aware of the speed of their heart beat, or so my therapist had told me when I was a child.  Even as a child, I had worried about everything, perhaps because I thought that would help me to control my surroundings.  _It didn’t, obviously._   When my parents sent me to see a therapist, I thought they wanted someone to “fix me”, that I was broken in some way.  I thought my brokenness could somehow explain all of the odd things that would just seem to happen around me.  

 

My therapist taught me to learn to focus on the things I could change, not those I could not.  She taught me to treat my body as a barometer for my stress level, and then to manipulate my heart rate to reduce my physical anxiety.  I had used this trick many times before, especially down in this dungeon, because it was just about the only thing I could control- how my body responded to the limited world around me.  

 

_I miss her._   I had obviously stopped going to therapy once I went away to school at Hogwarts.  I had been so thrilled to get my letter, because that was proof that I wasn’t broken, that I didn’t need to be fixed.  I was simply different, but so were other people. 

 

I sighed deeply in relief.  I had managed to calm my body and to focus on something which would not set my body ready to pounce.  I needed to prepare myself to bear the imminent pain one more time.  

 

_I hate this.  I hate it all.  I hate everything._

 

_Well, not everything…  No!  Do not think about him._

 

I did not know why it was so important for me to not think about Ron, but I could feel my body’s resistance, wanting me to focus on him.  After all, he was my best friend, my rock, my strength.  He was one of the reasons I had managed to endure everything for so long.  I felt it couldn’t hurt to focus my energy on him, if only as a way to gather my resources to me.  

 

_That’s a lie.  You know exactly why you shouldn’t think of him, shouldn’t linger on the idea of him,_ I chastised myself.  _Why set yourself up for something that’s just not meant to be, for heart-break?_

 

In the past, I had allowed myself to indulge in the fantasy that we could be together, that he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.  I was devastated to find out that wasn’t true, that I had so completely misjudged everything we shared with each other.  

 

_“Ron?”  My face was still dangerously close to his, my breath puffing out onto his face.  The cold night air swirled around us, but I felt my insides burning up.  Just a few more inches and our lips would touch!_

 

_I wanted him so badly it actually hurt, but I needed him to be the one to take the final step.  I had been the one to ask him to walk with me on the grounds.  I had been the one to bravely take his arm and entwine my fingers with his.  I had been the one who put it all out there: I want him, I need him, and I feel more for him than just deep friendship; I want to be with him- really with him!_

 

_He hesitated, and my breath caught in my throat.  He’s afraid.  Did I come on too strongly?  Should I have waited and let him be the one to make the first move?  I briefly regretted making an impulsive decision- one of the few of my life._

 

_“I can’t, Hermione.  I just can’t.  I’m so sorry.”  He searched my face for something, his eyes flickering over my features._

 

_He released my hand and walked away, head bowed._

 

_I stood in shock for a few moments before I decided to throw caution to the wind and run after him.  I was already so far in and had already put so much of myself out.  I didn’t think my dignity had much further to slide if he rejected me a second time._

 

_I just had to know why he was saying no.  Was it too fast?  Did he not want me?  Did he not share my feelings for him?  I was terrified, but I needed to know._

 

_I caught his arm, pulling him to a halt, and spun around to face him.  His face looked deeply troubled and he avoided my eyes.  I placed my cold palm onto his cheek and directed his gaze to meet my own._

 

_“Why?” I whispered, though I meant to sound more sure and confident of myself._

 

_He merely shook his head in response and closed his eyes as though it was painful to look at me._

 

_“I’m your best friend.  I think I deserve better than your silence…  Why, Ron?”_

 

_Still no response, though his jaw clenched tightly and his eyes started to seal together._

 

_“Say something…  anything…  I just- I just…” my voice trailed off.  I steeled myself and tried again, my voice coming out in no more than a whisper. “I just thought you might need me too, might want me too.”_

 

_I closed my own eyes to ward off the tears which were threatening.  No, no more threat.  The tears started to slide slowly down my chilly cheeks, leaving tracks of agony in their paths._

 

_I had not expected him to completely shut himself off from me.  I had not expected to have my best friend not want me.  I had carefully watched the signs.  I had been fairly sure of his intentions; I had seen him looking at me, watching me.  I had seen him blush and shudder whenever our hands brushed.  I saw how flushed he became when anyone would imply that he and I were more than friends.  I could feel the simmering fury coming off him in waves whenever Viktor would write to me.  How could I have missed the point so brilliantly?_

 

_“I’m so sorry, Hermione.  I just don’t feel the same about you.  I want you, I need you, but it’s not the same as you and I could never do that to you.  You could never be just some girl I shagged, but I don’t have the same feelings you do.  I’m just not there, you know?  I’m very attracted to you, I mean, you’re so bloody beautiful, but I don’t fancy you.”_

 

_My heart broke in an instant.  I had been wrong.  It would have been just a shag to him.  It would have been nothing more than a physical relationship, merely a chance to potentially have sex.  I wasn’t the one for him.  Damn, it hurt._

 

_I didn’t need to hear another word of how he didn’t love me, didn’t want me in the same way, but he continued my torture.  I couldn’t force my eyes open to look at him._

 

_“I would never risk our friendship just to get something physical out of it.  It hurts me to have to tell you this.  I care for you so much, but I can’t give you what you want.  I can’t take what you’re offering.”_

 

_I took several deep breaths and squelched down the pain searing through my centre, the core of my being.  My soul had been shoved into an incinerator, but I wouldn’t let him see how deeply I had been burned, I couldn’t let him see my wounds.  I wouldn’t let him see that I might never recover from this._

 

_“I see.  I must have just misread… misconstrued… misunderstood… everything.  Can we please forget about this?  Just go back to how things were and pretend I’m not a complete idiot?  I really need-”_

 

_“You’re not an idiot!  Merlin, you’re not- you could never be-”_

 

_“Please.  Don’t make it worse.  It was just a momentary slip in my judgment, all right?  I hardly even remember it.  I’m just going to go.  I’ll see you in the morning.”_

 

_I turned and ran the short distance to the castle, hearing his voice calling my name behind me.  I ignored it, ignored him.  I couldn’t possibly take any more._

 

_I raced up the numerous staircases to the Gryffindor common room, up the girls’ staircase, and into the sixth-year girls’ dormitory.  I drew the curtains around my bed, cast an Imperturbable, and let my heart break.  Face down on my bed, pillow clutched tightly to my chest, sobs wracked through my body._

 

_I let myself cry for everything I had lost, though I had never apparently had anything.  I cried for the idea, for the dream of being with him, taking a small comfort in the feel of my fingers digging sharply into the soft, downy pillow.  I let my tears carry some of my pain out of my body, let myself feel the agony of my first true heartache: what I was sure would be my deepest heartache._

 

_Once the tears subsided, I vowed to not let my “momentary slip in judgment” ruin a six-year friendship.  I forced myself to remember that I could still have a friendship with him and that would ultimately be better than a short-lived physical and intimate relationship, followed by more heartache._

 

_I promised myself that it was for the best; he'd broken my heart now, but it would have hurt even more if we had gotten in any more deeply.  I forced myself to see that he cared enough about me and our friendship to be honest with me.  I pushed my mind to see that he truly was trying to prevent me any further heartache by not getting my hopes up.  Clearly, we were a poor romantic match and he was trying to save our friendship by showing me that early on.  I should feel lucky to have a friend who refused to take advantage of my offer._

 

_I vowed to move on from Ronald B. Weasley if it was the last thing I ever did.  My tears would not be shed from the loss of non-existent love.  My tears would undoubtedly spill over something else insensitive he did, but that would be better than my agony of the last several hours._

 

_With that vow, I closed that part of my heart to him forever, certain he could never find another way in to that deep part of me._

_I walked downstairs the next morning with my head held high and smiled, refusing to let anyone see how wounded I felt inside.  I never let on that anything had changed in any way, which seemed to shock Ron, who tried to talk to me every chance he got.  I pretended nothing had ever happened and I resolutely ignored any implication of my momentary slip, much to Ron’s apparent frustration._

 

_Two weeks later, Ron snogged Lavender in the common room and I knew that my vow to close that chapter of my life was the right decision.  Over time, my mind would slip and fantasise over what might have been, what could have been.  My body still responded to my obvious attraction to him.  However, my heart stubbornly remained locked in the vow to never again fall prey to such vulnerability._

“My, my, my.”  I heard the telltale clicking of shoes on the stairs and knew the pain was about to begin again.  I had never before wanted to hear those steps on that staircase, but now I welcomed them.  _Once more and I go home._   

 

“My dear Mudblood, my dear pet.  I had no idea that the blood traitor had completely rejected you.  Tsk, tsk.  That must have hurt very badly.  I guess you always really have been the odd one out within your little ‘golden trio’.  Just one more example of how he doesn’t trust you- he couldn’t even trust you with something like his heart.”  

 

As his footsteps drew nearer and nearer, I realised what he was saying to me.  I realised why I had relived my most painful memory to date.  The Death Eater had utilised Legilimency on me, dragging me into my darkest moment, taking a piece of me that I would never willingly give to him.  This realisation also gave me another piece of information: the Death Eater must be extremely powerful and skilled to be able to take my thoughts without establishing and maintaining eye contact with me.  _This is definitely not good._

 

I forced myself to not react, to not give him the rise he so clearly wanted from me.  _Calm.  I need to stay calm._   Being upset would only serve to make it easier for him to get information out of me and I promised myself that would never happen.  

 

I looked up as he rounded the corner of the circular staircase.  I nearly cried out and yelped as my eyes found him.  

 

_Dear Merlin, no.  Please, don’t let this happen.  I can’t, I just can’t handle this right now._

 

The Death Eater had taken my memory and used it to make my worst nightmare come true.  The Death Eater, probably using glamour charms, changed his appearance to look exactly like Ron.

 

“Today is your lucky day, puppet.  I’m going to grant you your heart’s deepest desire.  Today, you will be together with your dear blood traitor- or at least, that’s the memory you’ll have.  You’ll remember the look on his face when he takes you and tastes you.  Isn’t it generous of me to give you what you have always wanted?”

 

“You bastard!” I cried out loudly.  It hurt me so deeply to even imagine what was about to happen.

 

“Of course, you could always deign to give me the information I want.  If you did that, I wouldn’t have to give you my daily gift.  That, however, would be an absolute shame- we both know how much you enjoy it.”

 

My heart raced within my chest.  I refused to listen to the humiliation and guilt which were rising to the surface.  I refused to give in to the horror and terror which pressed in on me from all sides.  I compelled my mind to see that this would be no worse than anything else I had been forced to endure since I had been here.  In fact, this could not possibly be any worse, because I was going home after this.  

 

_I’m going home, I’m going home!_

 

I chanted it in my head like a mantra.  

 

“Get on with it.  We both know where this is heading.  I’m not giving you anything, no matter what you do to me.  Your best will never be good enough to get that out of me.”

 

_I’m going home, I’m going home!_

 

I closed my eyes and braced myself; I knew what was coming.  I always knew.

 

“Imperio!”  This was the beginning of our dance, the beginning of the end.  _I’ll never have to live through this again.  I’m going home!_   

 

As a somewhat hazy feeling overcame me, I could feel the Death Eater probing my mind, asking me to give away all of my secrets.  It was always the same; he never truly changed his efforts.  I had long ago perfected mental walls, barriers to my innermost thoughts, desires, and memories.  I had learned to block off parts of my mind like I had learned to section off areas of my heart; my knowledge had been borne out of necessity.  

 

_It wasn’t enough this time._

 

Unfortunately, I had been caught off-guard and given him ample ammunition to torture me with.  Namely, I had allowed him to take an intimate memory from me, completely unaware of what had happened.   

 

The mental cloudiness began to recede and I made a checkmark on the running list in my mind, marking off the first of a long line of torturous moments to come.  Lists were something I understood, something I clung to.  For the majority of my life, I had relied on lists and schedules to ensure that I was aware of everything which needed to be done and to make sure every essential task was completed.  Now, I relied on this daily list to help me get through the routine.  If I compelled my mind to see the torture as a daily routine, to see it as a set of tasks to be done, I could somehow survive the day.  If I thought of my situation in cold, clinical terms, I could somehow find the strength to cope with my reality.  

 

“Crucio!”  Pain and fire seared through my veins.  

 

_Fuck, that hurts.  I want to die.  No, I’m going home!  I’m going home!_

 

I thought my muscles were surely burned through, my bones blackened like charcoal.  Check number two; one more step on the list was completed.  

 

“Imperio!”  Another check mark, another step completed, another part of the routine finished for the day.  I heard a gently nagging voice in the back of my mind urging me to purge my secrets, to share the knowledge which could bring the end of the war.  I could feel my mental barriers pushing back against the intrusion, refusing to allow the prodding fingers to grasp anything of worth.  The haziness in my mind receded a bit and I braced myself for the next imposition.

 

“Crucio!”  

 

_Just one more step and we’ll be to the worst part.  After that, I’m going home!_   

 

My eyes leaked tears of fury and my muscles begged for release from the stinging sensations traveling up and down my entire body.  Images flashed across my mind’s eye.  I tried desperately to stop the images from floating past, but my brain was already trying to process the excruciating pain flaring through my nerves.

 

_“Hermione?”  He was looking at me expectantly, so hopefully, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit lost for words.  His intensity frankly scared me.  I turned my gaze from his and focussed on the gentle ripples of the lake._

 

_“You said earlier that you wanted to talk about something, Ron?  I’m listening.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw him swallow and take a deep breath._

 

_I’m so glad that women have better peripheral vision than men, I had thought to myself.  It was very useful in maintaining a neutral expression on my countenance, especially in moments like this one when I couldn’t convince myself to look at him._

 

_He was waiting for me to turn and look at him.  I knew this and he knew that I knew.  I determinedly ignored this knowledge and began slowly running my fingertips through the blades of grass on the hillside.  I caressed each strand of life, enjoying the implication that the earth was in a cycle of rebirth.  I wished I myself was in a cycle of rebirth, instead of the awkward self-preservation phase I seemed to be stuck in._

 

_He reached toward me with his large hand and plucked my left palm out of the grass.  He held onto me and ran his fingers gently over the knuckles on my hand.  “Won’t you even look at me?” he asked quietly, with a tone I couldn’t quite place.  That had been happening a lot lately: him speaking softly, using tones I could not understand the implications of, him finding excuses to touch me.  I refused to let my mind make any guesses or assumptions about what these changes could mean._

 

_I pulled my hand back from him, restraining the shudders which wanted so desperately to course through my body.  I turned my head slightly in his direction and cocked my head at an angle.  Resolutely, I resumed my gentle dance with the cool blades of grass.  Forward, backward, side, side.  Forward, backward, side, side.  The repetitive movement soothed my uneasy nerves._

 

_Another deep sigh from him. I didn’t even want to hazard a guess as to what had his knickers in a twist.  Frankly, he had been acting very oddly since he and Lavender had broken up.  Of course, I hadn’t spoken to him for months before that, so perhaps something happened in that time and I simply didn’t know about it.  I knew the thought that he and I had lived entirely separate lives for all those months should bother me more, but it really didn’t.  I refused to let it bother me more, because that might be the key to opening a dangerous and forbidden door._

 

_“Hermione, I-” he began, but trailed off.  “Merlin, I don’t even know how to start this.  It’s so hard to, to, to find the right words sometimes.”_

 

_“Honestly, Ronald, it’s just me.  Just your best friend Hermione.”  I placed a heavy emphasis on the word friend, as much to remind him of our renewed friendship status as to convince myself. “Even if the words don’t come out right, I’ll probably know what you mean.”_  

 

_And, honestly, that was true.  He had said the wrong thing more times than I could count, but I instinctually understood what he really meant to say.  Despite our hundreds, perhaps thousands, of spats and rows, I had avoided almost as many by just letting his sometimes clumsy wording go by unchecked and refusing to become sensitive over an obvious oversight on his part._

 

_“It’s just, well, it’s important that I say this right,” he trailed off again._

 

_I began to feel impatient with him.  He was the one who sought me out by the lakeside, where I was enjoying a nice moment alone to think; he was the one who said he had something he needed to talk to me about.  Why did I have the overwhelming need to help him fill the awkward silence?  Shouldn’t he already have something ready to say?  And what could possibly be so important that he was becoming this nervous about saying it to me?_

 

_I turned my head more fully in his direction, ignoring the urge to take him by the shoulders and shake some action into him.  His eyes caught mine in a concentrated search, yet I was unable to identify the emotion behind his eyes.  I again had to turn away from his searing gaze._

 

_“Hermione, I know we never speak of it, that day in the fall, but I need to say something.”_

 

_Oh, Merlin.  He probably wanted me to apologize for attacking him with canaries.  He deserved it, taking up with that bint so soon after I nearly gave him everything._

 

_“Yes?”_

 

_“I didn’t see it, I didn’t feel it that day.  Merlin, you have no idea how badly I wish I could have, but I just couldn’t…”_

 

_I was confused, not understanding what he was talking about.  How could he not have felt the canaries?  “Ron, what-”_

 

_“Please let me say this.  I’ll never get through it if I don’t do it now.  Please?”_

 

_I nodded my acquiescence, and turned my body fully to face his.  I crossed my legs and sat forward with my elbows leaning on my knees, my back semi-arched._

 

_“You just left me that night and I couldn’t get to you.  I knew I had hurt you, but I couldn’t get anywhere near you.  I shouted up the stairs until I was hoarse, but you never came back to me.  I begged Ginny to check on you, but when she came back, she said you had imperturbed your bed and she couldn’t get to you either.”_

 

_I suddenly knew what night in the fall he was talking about.  Yes, the night we never discussed- ever.  Not that he hadn’t tried; I simply refused to engage in any discussion about the incident._

 

_“The next morning, you acted as if nothing had changed and I hated you for it.  How could you possibly drop a hippogriff on my chest and then pretend it never happened?”_

 

_He sounded hurt and for a second I felt guilty.  I allowed myself that second to realise how much that must have affected him.  He probably thought he was going crazy over a moment I refused to acknowledge.  I guess he was unable to see that I couldn’t acknowledge my ‘momentary slip’ without re-opening wounds which I wasn’t sure would ever close again.  I had to let my heart’s scar grow over, not rip open the small progress that had been made.  Once the second of my guilty realisations passed, I squelched the feeling from my chest.  Surely it was all water under the bridge now._

 

_“I thought about what you had offered me and couldn’t even begin to imagine how you could offer that and then pull back from me so suddenly.  It hurt me, Hermione.  I didn’t think anything had ever hurt me so much.  I took up with Lavender soon after that and we both know what a disaster that was.  I never thought you’d treat me the way you did.”_

 

_Neither did I, come to think of it.  Much as I tried to pretend I had been over him, the wound had still been too raw.  I lashed out in the only way I could guarantee would hurt him the worst: I ignored him and pushed him out of my life.  I acted as if he didn’t exist, I feigned indifference.  Ron didn’t know how to handle someone cutting him entirely out of their life and I exploited my knowledge of this, wanting to hurt him how he had hurt me, to leave him fatally wounded._

 

_“Even when we fought in the past, I always knew you cared about me.  Hell, you couldn’t possibly row like that with someone you couldn’t care less about!  I always knew I was one of your best friends and that I mattered to you, because you gave your passion to me in those rows.  You gave it all to me and I took everything you could throw in my direction.  And then you took your passion and your fire away from me and I have never felt smaller in my life than when I realised I was below your notice.”_

 

_He was right and I finally knew that my actions had injured him as deeply as his had hurt me._

 

_“I never want to feel that again.  I started to feel differently after that.  I may not have showed it, but I thought about you constantly.  I thought about everything you were to me and everything you had ever meant to me.  I knew what I was doing with Lavender was wrong, but I needed someone who still wanted me.  I nearly died before you graced me with your voice again.”_

 

_I closed my eyes at his last comment.  That had truly been one of the most horrific moments in my life, finding out that Ron had been poisoned.  I knew then that no matter how profoundly I had been injured, my friend needed me to put that aside and be there for him.  I would have resented my stubbornly broken heart for my entire life if he had died and I was still fighting with him._

 

_He grabbed both of my hands again, gripping me almost painfully, causing my gaze to look up at him.  His facial expressions reflected a pain so deep that I again had to avert my eyes.  I realised I had been doing that a lot lately, pulling away from him, turning away when he looked at me like that.  I didn’t understand how to meet him in that overwhelming place, how to stay there with him.  Instead, I realised it was easier to turn away, so I did, feeling like a coward._

 

_“That night in the hospital, I made a vow to make things right, to act on what I then knew was real.  I promised myself I wouldn't let the school year end without sitting down with you and, and…  bloody hell, why does this have to be so fucking hard?  I’m just going to come out and say it, but you have to promise me if it comes out wrong, you’ll let me explain.”_

 

_He looked questioningly at me and I felt my head nod at him.  My breath was coming in short, fast movements.  I sensed the nervous energy of my anxiety rising in my chest._

 

_“I suddenly saw it- everything you said, I was there, I AM there.  Things clicked into place and I no longer saw you as my brilliant and beautiful best friend.  I saw you as my everything, the only person who I could ever really belong to.”_

 

_His fingers began to trace lazy circles all over the back of my hands.  I tried to focus on the tactile sensations, to force my mind to stay anchored in what he was saying.  I had the strangest feeling of being outside of my body._

 

_“I wanted everything you offered, I needed to have you- all of you, not just your body, or your mind, or your friendship.  I needed to have your love like I needed air.  I so desperately wanted to go back in time and change the bloody moment that night when I stupidly turned you away.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that…  I’m ready.  I want everything you’ve offered me and more.  I want to give you everything in my heart, because it only wants to be yours, forever.  I won’t be whole without you.  Please let me have you.”_

 

_I felt like my world was closing in on me.  I couldn’t take in enough oxygen to begin to process what was happening.  That door to my heart was fighting to open, to let him back in, but I steadfastly beat it back into submission._

 

_“Please say something, I’m dying here.”_

 

_I can’t do this again.  He’ll change his mind in a month and then I’ll be devastated again.  I won’t do this to myself again._

 

_I closed my eyes against his probing stare.  I knew I would never say the words if I had to look at him.  It struck me as ironic that I now knew what he had been struggling with that night and how similar the experiences were to be._

 

_“Ron…  Actually, I’m…” I trailed off, looking for the right words.  He was right, this was too important to not have the correct words._

 

_“I’m- I’m… I’m not there… anymore.”  There, I said it.  It had to be done, but that didn’t stop it from hurting to say, hurting to hear out loud._

 

_“I’m so sorry, but the moment’s passed for me, you know?  I can’t- I just can’t… I don’t feel that way anymore.”_

 

_I looked up, not sure what to expect.  I certainly did not expect to see his agonised expression, nor the tears glistening in his eyes.  I was taken back by his capacity to show me his emotions, something I had been struggling with, as of late.  I knew I needed to say something to him, but from my own experience, nothing could make this moment easier for him to stomach or accept.  He would simply need to live through it and only time would heal the damage.  At least, that’s what I kept telling myself, and it seemed to be somewhat true._

 

_“I think it’s best if we…  I mean, I think it’s clear that it’s just not meant to be, Ron.  We keep having these near-misses, but they’re never close enough, you know?  I really am sorry.  It’s just another momentary slip of judgment, okay?” I asked, trying to give him a graceful exit._

 

_He stared at me in pained silence for a few moments, clearly trying not to give permission to the tears fighting to escape his eyes.  His breathing was deep, his face basically unmoving._

 

_“No.  No, no, no.  I don’t believe you.  I know you don’t really feel this way.  You just wanted me to feel how hurtful it was when I rejected you, right?  I get it, okay, I get it.  I know that it was the worst possible thing I could ever have done to you.  I’ve learned my lesson.”  A solitary tear rolled from his bright blue eye down his flushed cheek and I thought I had never seen him look so vulnerable._

 

_Oh, sweet Merlin, he thought I was trying to exact revenge on him, squashing his heart how he had crushed mine.  I didn’t know how to tell him that I really couldn’t be there with him anymore, but I settled for honesty._

 

_“No, Ron.  I’m not getting revenge on you, and I’m not trying to make you feel what I felt.  I know what it feels like and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  Really.  Not anyone.  I’m just being honest and responding to your offer.  I’m really not there anymore and I don’t share your feelings.  I’m sorry, but I can’t take what you’re offering.  Like I said, I think you’re just having a momentary slip in judgment.  I had mine and now you’re having yours.”  I again offered him an out, an easy escape to save his wounded pride._

 

_“It’s not a momentary slip.  How could you even say that?  Don’t you believe me, don’t you understand how important this is to me?  This isn’t some shallow feeling, Hermione, it’s not just going to go away.  I’m in lo-”  I quickly covered his lips with my hands, physically preventing him from continuing his comment._

 

_“Don’t say it.  Don’t say something that you can’t take back, but it will injure us both for having heard it.  It was a slip, that’s all.”_

 

_I wrenched my hands away from his face, stood abruptly, and turned to leave.  I glanced down at him and my heart nearly broke in two.  I had broken him, at least for the moment.  I assured myself it was for the best and that, in time, he would heal._

 

_“I really am sorry, Ron.  You’ll see- it was just a momentary slip.  It will all seem so much clearer later.”  With that, I began to walk away, refusing to see how much sorrow I had caused him._

 

_“Hermione, no.  I’m begging you.  Please!  Come back to me!  Please don’t do this, I need you!  You don’t mean it.  Please!”  I heard him cry out and knew I needed to get away from him, so I ran.  I ran as far and as fast as my legs would carry me._

 

“Interesting.  No wonder he doesn’t trust you with his heart.  You stomped all over him.  I doubt he even misses you.  What a shame for you, to be in love with someone who must truly hate you with every fibre in his being.”

 

“Shut up, you fucking bastard,” I spat out.  This had never happened before and I was shaken to my very core.  In the amount of time I had been in this dreadful place, the Death Eater had never strayed from his routine, making my torture seem almost mundane, albeit excruciatingly painful, in its repetitiveness.  He had never before delved into my mind when I couldn’t possibly process anything else.  I almost felt more violated by his intrusion of my most painful memories than I did by his continual invasion of my body.  I felt terror, knowing he had found a way into my locked mind, a way to best me, despite all of my efforts.  

 

“Let’s give you something to remember him by, shall we?”  With a flick of his wand, I began to feel the foggy feelings returning to my brain, signaling the beginning of the end.

 

_It’s not him, it’s not really Ron.  Remember dear, sweet Ron.  This isn’t him, isn’t my Ron._

 

I saw, rather than felt my own traitorous hands begin to caress my body.  The rational and capable part of my mind decided to flee from my body, choosing to become a bystander in the trauma.  This happened on the days when my torture affected me particularly badly.  I knew I should be concerned about disassociation from my body, but I couldn’t force myself to see how it was harmful in this case.  

 

_I’m just protecting myself, I’m surviving._

 

I watched as my body was commanded to touch the Death Eater parading as Ron.  I saw myself reach out and unbutton his robes, seductive and yet stilted.  My mind and body were valiantly attempting to fight, though it was useless; I could do so many things, but completely throwing off the Imperius Curse was not one of them.  

 

I vaguely heard a gentle nagging voice and realized in horror that my disloyal lips were placing languid kisses on imposter-Ron’s well-defined chest.  My palms traced over his freckled arms and back, pulling him forward to my body.  

 

I heard the deep growling coming from Ron- _no, the Death Eater bastard!_ \- accompanied by his low rumbling chuckle.  

 

“Hungry, my Mudblood puppet?  Don’t worry: soon you’ll have all of me.  And I’ll have everything you’re offering, as it was meant to be.”

 

I watched, horrified, as imposter-Ron kissed my neck and my body had the audacity to respond with a shiver in return.  I took note of my hands finishing their job of divesting the bastard of his clothes.  I tried to remember Ron, my Ron, the real Ron, the one who would never force himself on me in this way.  I so desperately wanted to block out what was happening, pretend I never saw our naked bodies together.  

 

_No, it’s not him!  Those aren’t our naked bodies writhing against each other.  That’s me and the bastard Death Eater who will soon be meeting his end.  That isn’t my Ron!_   

 

Try as I might, I could not force my eyes to turn away from the disgusting sight of the cruel doppelganger licking my breasts, my tummy, and my slightly rounded pelvis.  I felt like I was in a room with a couple who are being completely physically active with each other, oblivious to the world around them.  There was always a certain morbid fascination and a difficult dilemma: to turn away from the spectacle, confirming the inappropriateness of such a display, or watch in odd fascination of such a sight.  

 

Disgusted as I was, I could not make my eyes close, nor could I wrench my gaze away from the invasion taking place.  A flush crept up my body, the light rosy hue belying the red haze which was clouding my true vision at the raid on my most sacred place.      

 

_Don’t respond, it’s not Ron.  If it really was Ron, I could understand feeling this rush, this arousal.  It’s not him!  He’s not the one using his tongue on you, he’s not trying to give you pleasure.  This wretched man is trying to use your turncoat body against you- fight it!_

 

My internal struggle fell on deaf ears, as my body thrummed and released, my hands clenching the cheap imitation’s flaming red hair.  Shame flooded through me, nearly knocking me to the floor with its potency.  

 

_I can’t believe I let it happen again.  Damnit, when will I learn?  Stop it, fight this nonsense!  Repeat after me: this is not consensual, this is not something I want, this is not my fault._

 

“That was just the first one, or have you had enough?”  The Death Eater paused, as if he really thought I might take him up on his offer, and the fuzziness receded ever so slightly.  I was ashamed to admit to myself that I considered giving in for a moment, but for nothing longer than that split-second.  In that second, my despair allowed me to believe that offering a small secret would be a minor price to pay for this torture to come to a swift end.  

 

Thankfully, I immediately realised that no matter whether I told him a tidbit or not, the Death Eater would continue to rape and torture me.  The sick bastard simply enjoyed the sport too much to stop, regardless of the outcome of his specious offer.  His wickedness and maliciousness knew no bounds, but my will was resilient.  That realisation gave me the renewed strength to continue the fight for my impending rescue. 

 

_I will never give in to you.  Never.  I’m going home, I’m going home!_  

 

“I already told you: your best will never be good enough,” I said with vengeance and ire clear in my tone.  

 

The mental cloudiness consumed me again, almost instantaneously, a punishment for my predictable refusal.  My clarity was consumed by that fog, driving me again towards an awful abyss of mindlessness.  

 

_I’m going home, I’m going home.  I need to keep fighting, I need to survive, keep breathing.  I’m going home!_

 

I internally reacted with repulsion when the counterfeit copy of my beloved best friend shoved his tongue unskillfully down my throat.  I tried to bite him, but only managed a barely rough nibble in reciprocation of his infiltration.  

 

I ignored the vile caresses imposed upon my body, the all too familiar sickening slap of flesh on flesh, the nauseating slide of a body upon my own.  I felt my perfidious nerves begin their tightening, coiling in anticipation of my greatest shame.  

 

_I hate this, hate him, hate how unfair this is.  After everything I have been through, this is surely what’s going to break me- the fact that my body continues to respond to this violent invasion, and now Ron’s face has been horribly muddled up within the assault.  I can’t take much more of this._

 

My muscles and nerves climbed higher and higher.  I knew I was close, knew it was almost time for the moment I always cursed my body for.  Yet, even as shameful as I knew I would feel for my impending orgasm, I felt some relief begin to surface.  It was nearly over, the worst was surely about to collide within me, but then it would be in the past altogether.  Unless he strayed from his usual routine, this should be nearly the last stage of the torture for the day.  The Death Eater usually left fairly soon after he finished the destruction of my self-esteem for the day.

 

_Please, please let him stick to that part of the routine,_ I prayed fervently to anyone who might be listening.  His earlier foray into my most well-kept memories still stung me as deeply as his physical actions.  

 

_Almost there, almost, just a little more.  I hate that I am waiting for this, wanting it in a way.  I feel so unclean, so sullied._ I felt the painfully pleasurable waves wash over me, guilt coating me thoroughly.  _I hate that it felt so good; that’s an injury to my self-worth that won’t heal easily._   I mentally checked off another task in the seemingly unending list.

 

“As always, you’ve enjoyed yourself.  I’m glad you took what I was offering.  I’m glad I could give you something you’ve always wanted.  These are memories you’ll cherish forever, I’m sure of it.”

 

I again felt the mental fog layer beginning to lift.  Another checkmark, another task finished on the nearly-complete list.  _Oh, thank heaven.  It’s almost over.  I’m going home, I’m really going home!_

 

With an impish smile, reminiscent of one of the real Ron’s mannerisms, the Death Eater gave a lazy flick of his wand to cleanse and re-clothe himself.  “I want you to have the memory of your beloved Ron saying this:  I wouldn’t want your Mudblood filth to sink into my skin.  I’m a pure-blood.  I’m a Weasley.  I would never want to permanently soil myself with the likes of you,” he sneered at me.

 

“You could never be a Weasley,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.  “Every single Weasley is at least fifty times the wizard you could never hope to be.”    

 

_How dare he!_

 

“Crucio!”  More fire, more pain, so much burning within my writhing limbs.  “The Weasleys would never have you in their family.  You would muddy their bloodline.”  Despite knowing the blatant lies within his words, knowing the real Ron would never say such things to anyone, I felt cut to the quick, exposed to my core.  

 

“Imperio!”  I felt the Death Eater’s magic reaching into my mind, grasping for anything.  I projected my hate to the forefront of my consciousness.  True, I could not fight the Imperius curse in physical commands, but the mental arena was my forte.  I forced my rage to wrap around his intruding magic strands, imagining it burning through his efforts with the same intensity as I had been repeatedly scorched.  His magic surged forward, trying to break through the wall I constructed, but I pushed back with all of my might.  I felt triumphant and relieved when the meddlesome tendrils stopped their incessant thrusting into my mind.  

 

“You’re still just not good enough,” I taunted him.  I was feeling slightly reckless, slightly out-of-control.  His enjoyment of raiding my body tended to bring out this streak in me, this wildness that wanted to thrash out and strike him down.  

 

“Oh, my pet, I’m closer than you will admit.  We both know I cracked your shell today.  Of course, I paid you handsomely for it- I gave you the fantasy you have been dreaming about.”    

 

“You are truly sick, you disgusting, twisted pervert.  The real Ron Weasley would never do to me what you’ve done to me.”

 

_He would never.  Never.  I need to remember, it’s not him.  It was never my Ron._

 

“Well, you’ll never find that out, will you?  You’ll die in here before you have the chance to know what he was actually capable of, but not before you’ve been properly punished for your insolence.”  

 

A sharp flick of his wand and my right arm exploded into pain.  Yet another callous flick and my body was flung carelessly against the cold stone wall of my cell.  I heard a sickening crack, saw blinding white light behind my eyelids, and felt a slow trickle of warmth flowing from the back of my skull.  My capable and aware self came crawling back, no longer watching from above, but fully experiencing the anguish from within.

 

“Now, be a good little girl and I’ll have someone come to take care of that little scrape- eventually.  Goodbye until tomorrow, my dear puppet…”  

 

I barely registered his footsteps retreating, the clicks of his shoes softening with every step.  I hardly noticed the sudden chill upon my body, slick with sweat and tears.  I could only concentrate on the throbbing ache in my arm and head dulling my senses.  

 

_This is it.  I just need to hold on for another moment.  He’ll be here soon!  Breathe in, that’s good, breathe out.  Breathe in, hold it, breathe out.  One, two, three.  Slow down, not so fast.  Breathe in, hold just a bit longer, breathe out.  Nine, ten, eleven.  Much better.  Okay, now I’m ready to try._

 

I gathered my strength, knowing I needed all of my concentration and faculties intact to attempt the spell to bring Ron safely and completely to me.  I pictured all of the details of my beloved friend.  My body began to shake as I recalled the freckles covering his chest and his strong arms.  My muscles hummed with an intense and irrational fear as I remembered the contours of his face, his almost too-bright blue eyes, his distinctive nose, and his full lips.  

 

_Stop it!  It wasn’t him.  There’s no need to be afraid,_ I chastised myself.  I again drew on my reserves of inner strength and called his image into my mind.  

 

My mind’s eye recollected the planes of his body.  My muscle memory enveloped me in the sensation of his warm arms surrounding me so strongly, warmly, possessively, _lovingly_.  I focused every available emotional resource on my desire to see him, to feel him, to hear him, and to be able to touch him.  I wanted to be able to smell the familiarity of our home and the Burrow and something uniquely him lingering on his skin.  

 

I concentrated on having those characteristics replicated for him, so that he would be able to use all of his senses in my presence.  I willed him to be able to hold me, see me, hear me, and comfort me.  I thought about him being able to be fully present with me, all of him with all of me.  I hoped for him to be able to see the flicker of life within me that still existed, unchanged, not yet consumed by the shame and rage which continued to build inside my heart.  

 

I blocked out the sensation of spreading pain, the trickle of blood, and the heaviness in my heart.  

I closed my eyes and readied my body for the influx of magic about to flood through me.

 

_Destination, determination, deliberation.  Destination, determination, deliberation.  Deep breathe, in, hold it, out, in, another second, out._

 

I felt my body lurch as I completed the spell.  I heard a gasp and a deep breath.  I wasn’t sure if either had come from me.  Relief flooded my soul, and that I knew only half belonged to me.  I smiled to myself, despite the growing agony in my skull.

 

_Damn, that hurts.  Ow._

 

“Hermione?  Oh, fuck, what did he do to you?”  Ron’s voice sounded slightly distant, but I used it to bring myself back to consciousness.  I slowly opened my eyes as I felt him cradling my body against his own.  

 

“You came back,” I stated simply, trying to burn the image of this Ron, the real Ron, this sweet, loving man into my retinas.  This was the Ron I always wanted to remember, not the monster parading around in his likeness.  I tried to stifle the tremours coursing through my body as Ron gently put his cloak around me.  

 

“Of course I came back.  I would never leave you here.  You did great, Hermione.”  I heard his voice cracking, and somehow managed to make my eyes meet his.  

 

“Are they coming?” I whispered to him, hoping that they were ready to storm the door at a moment’s notice.  I closed my eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling indescribably exhausted from the effort to survive.  

 

“I’m sure Ginny is tracking us as we speak… you just need… we’re almost… can you… Hermione?  Hermione!”  I felt his arms shaking me, and hazily registered that he was talking to me.  His voice kept vacillating between softer and louder, or perhaps that was all I was capable to hearing.   

 

“Hermione, open your eyes, love,” his insistent and somewhat panicky voice said.  

 

I tried to comply, but couldn’t seem to manage even that small effort.  I felt the world start to tilt on its axis, spinning slowly, then faster.  I felt a strong force pressing in on me, squeezing the life out of me.  I attempted to say something, to ask why the world had abruptly gone all wonky, but my mouth didn’t seem to want to expel breath, much less communicate anything. 

 

_So, this is how it ends, huh?  After all of that, this is it…_

 

Blinding white, hazy grey, explosion of colour, and then utter darkness. 

 

*****

A/N:  Okay, so it got pretty bleak in this last chapter, but I really thank you for sticking with it!  I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  

Good, bad, or otherwise, please hit that little button and let me know what you think!  :o)  *~Risie*~

 


	9. Chapter 9 - Barely Breathing

  
Author's notes:

So many thanks, as always, to my fantastic beta, Thevina. She continually gives positive, yet constructive feedback, pushes me to find the best way to say something, encourages me to stretch my comfort zone, and meticulously works through each chapter with careful eyes and quick wit. It is such a pleasure to work with her and I am so grateful for her help and her friendship. To everyone who continues to read and review, my sincerest thanks for your support on this story. Truly, it is overwhelming to think about the amount of response and feedback I have been receiving from all of you and I am overcome with gratitude. Thank you again for sticking with it, even in the dark moments! ::much love:: 

Beta note: Due to health issues, Risie won't be able to reply to reviews for this chapter as quickly as she normally does. She'll try to reply as soon as possible. Thank you as always for reading and reviewing!  
~Thevina and Risie 

* * *

Wake Me, Chapter 9 (Barely Breathing)

 

*****

 

“I’ll see you out there, okay big brother? We’re just waiting for the call. Bring her back to us safe and-”

I didn’t hear another word as a pull behind my navel signalled that I was finally going to get my love and bring her home. I closed my eyes and waited to see her beautiful face.

_I’m bringing her home. I’m bringing her home.  
_  
I braced myself to impact the ground, and then was grateful I did, as my feet slammed onto the hard stone. I put a hand out to steady myself, and waited for the familiarly disconcerting nausea to pass. I hated to travel by Apparition, but at least it was better than travelling by Floo.

Once the queasiness passed, I opened my eyes quickly, not quite believing that I could be in her presence again so soon. A gasp tore from my throat before I could possibly stop myself. The sight of her flooded me with so many competing emotions, not the least of which was relief.

As the reality of seeing her settled in, I took stock of Hermione’s condition: she was sweaty, flushed, and breathing heavily, slumped against the wall of her cell. Her eyes were closed, and there was blood on her neck.

Rage flooded my heart, a reaction to the fact that O’Cleary had again left her naked, hurt, and with no dignity.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. I knew this was going to happen when I left her!  
_  
I took several deep breaths before walking closer to her, swallowing the bile which was threatening to escape. I knew I needed to check on her, assess her condition, but the thought of how much she had just endured was overwhelming my senses. _Say something. Just say something. Anything. Let her know you’re here._

“Hermione? Oh, fuck, what did he do to you?”

_Okay, not exactly what I had in mind, but at least I said something._ I began to unclasp my cloak, noticing that she was hardly moving. In two quick steps, I dropped down next to her, gently pulling her small body against my own. I put a hand to her cheek and found her slightly warm to the touch, which somewhat appeased my worry, though not much. I shook her lightly and her eyes slowly flickered open. I hadn’t realised I had been holding my breath until oxygen abruptly flooded my brain.

Her beautiful brown eyes looked up at me and I suddenly was fighting the urge to cry, because she looked so vulnerable, so scared. Her eyes skimmed over my face as though she were trying to find something in one of her beloved texts, but she never met my gaze.

“You came back,” she said matter-of-factly, her eyes still searching my face. Her body shuddered and I thought perhaps she was confused or going into shock and then I remembered that she was naked, and sweaty, and more than likely cold. I quickly pulled my cloak over her and felt tremours again passing through her body. _Fuck, this isn't good._ I desperately tried to quell the panic rising in my chest.

“Of course I came back. I would never leave you here. You did great, Hermione.” My voice cracked while I spoke to her and I suddenly remembered myself as the pre-pubescent teenager who was so uncomfortable in intimate conversations with her. She met my eyes and my breath caught at the exhaustion I could see in them.

_We both just have to hold on a little longer and you’ll be safe._

“Are they coming?” she whispered to me, softly conveying her urgency to be away from this hell, to be free of her prison. She closed her eyes again and I wondered if she had slept at all; overwhelming fatigue was easily apparent in her features.

“I’m sure Ginny is tracking us as we speak, because she was right in front of me when you brought me back here. You just need to hang on for a little bit longer, we’re almost out of here and then you’ll be home. Can you stand up or walk, or should I carry you?” Her head lolled to the side and I shook her lightly to wake her up. _She can’t sleep! She might have a concussion._

“Hermione? Come on, get up. Hermione?” I called out to her, my voice rising with each command. “Hermione!” I shook her a bit harder when she continued to not respond. “Hermione, open your eyes, love,” I begged her in a panicky tone, but she didn’t bat an eye or move a muscle.

“Fuck!” I said, hoping she would open her eyes and reprimand me for my “atrocious language” or some other such bullocks. I dimly realised that she was barely breathing and her head was still bleeding. My own head felt fuzzy, as though I wasn’t inside my body. Going through the motions, I quickly laid her back down on the ground and got out my wand. I completed a spell to stop the blood flow, and another to seal the crack in her skull. I ran my fingers through her curly hair to feel the base of her skull, checking the wound as best as I could. It didn’t fully close up, but enough for me to focus on other pressing issues and get us safely out of there.

I flicked my wand at her and said “Ennervate,” but she didn’t stir. I tried again and realised it wasn’t working. I focused on her chest and could not see the telltale rise and fall.

“Fuck! Oh, Merlin, fuck! Hermione, don’t you dare do this to me!” I said, feeling like my heart literally stopped.

I put two fingers against her neck and felt for a pulse, the agonising seconds ticking by. I couldn’t find her pulse and checked the pulse point on the inside of her wrist, careful not to use my thumb. Nothing. “Anapneo!” Nothing. No change at all.

_No, no, no. No, this can’t be it! Not after coming this far, you can’t die this way!  
_  
“Damnit Hermione, come on back now. This isn’t funny!”

I tilted her head and praised Merlin than Hermione had insisted on teaching us Muggle CPR. Remembering her careful instructions, I pinched her nose, breathed deeply into her mouth, then pushed hard on her chest, trying to manually stimulate her heart into beating.

“Come on- fuck! This can’t be happening! Wake up!” I was barely aware of the fact that I repeated the words “wake up” with every thrust down on her chest. I continued my ministrations, refusing to give up hope that she could come back to me. _We’re going to go home and everything will be fine! We have to go home!  
_  
“You can’t die. Hermione, I swear I'll never forgive you if you don’t get up this instant. We haven’t lived enough yet.” My voice broke and I vaguely heard myself begging her to pull through, still alternating pushes on her chest and expelling breaths in her mouth.

_I can’t do this without you. I can’t live in a world where you don’t.  
_  
“We haven’t kissed, we haven’t made love yet. You haven’t married me or made me a daddy.” I blew hard into her mouth, forcing my love and life force into her body. “You can’t die now, I won’t let you.” I heard the doors of wherever the hell we were being blasted off and could hear shouts from up above, but I ignored them. “Anapneo!” Nothing.

“Hermione, don’t you dare give up! The Hermione Granger I know would never go down without a fight. Get up!” I angrily screamed at her, pushing particularly hard on her chest, and then something miraculous happened. She coughed a bit, sputtered somewhat, and drew in a huge gasping breath of glorious air. Breath after breath she sucked into her body as though she were drinking in water after a journey through a sandy desert.

“Hermione?” I tentatively asked her, waiting for her eyes to open. The adrenaline was coursing through my body and the fuzziness in my mind had receded, leaving me with muscles shaking from my efforts. _Fuck, I’ll never get used to this shaky feeling!_ I stared intently at her, mesmerised by the comforting movement of her chest rising and falling. Even though she hadn’t stirred or opened her eyes, she was breathing and that was enough for me. I didn’t even have the energy to ponder whether she had heard all of my declarations for her.

I suddenly became aware of the shouts from up above, hearing the curses being cast. I could identify both Moody’s and Charlie’s voices, which both terrified and relieved me. I hated it whenever we went out, years of experience taking away the excitement of the hunt and leaving the cold reality of the danger of what we were doing. They were doing their parts and now I needed to do mine.

_We’ve got to get out of here. I can’t wait for her to wake up any longer.  
_  
I quickly wrapped my cloak more tightly around Hermione, picked her up, and slung her over my shoulder. Clutching my wand firmly in my right hand and holding Hermione securely with my other, I tried to magically unlock the door. No such luck, of course, as life could never be that easy. I tried every unlocking spell I could remember, but each yielded no results.

“Fuck! Fuck, fuckity, bloody fuck!” _They probably knew she could open it with wandless magic if it was that easy.  
_  
Instead of continuing my efforts to unlock the door, I focused on a new approach. I decided to blast apart the hinges, which only succeeded in shifting the bolts slightly out of their hinges. “Bombarda!” Completing the spell three more times, it looked like I could physically force the barred door out of the socket with a well-placed push. I took aim and kicked my foot out as hard as possible against the middle hinge. The door clanged heavily to the floor, the metal crashing against the stone.

_It’s about bloody time!  
_  
Once outside the cell, the noise level increased exponentially, as though we had been caged inside a padded room instead of the bare walls. I heard frantic footsteps on the staircase and gripped my wand even more forcefully, waiting to see who was coming down.

A masked Death Eater rounded the corner of the staircase and I fired off a disarming spell, a stunning spell, and a binding spell before the poor bastard could have even known I was there. I levitated his body off of the stairs and roughly hurtled it into the dungeon wall.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” I spat to the unconscious Death Eater before continuing on my part of the rescue mission.

_Never again,_ I thought to myself as I began the trek up the circular staircase. _Never again will she have to go through what she endured down here._ Each step brought us closer to danger and freedom at the same time. Creeping slowly around the last curve of the staircase, I poked my head out slightly to see what obstacles I would need to get us through in order to find an outer door.

The staircase opened out into a large room with high vaulted ceilings and no windows. I took note of another staircase leading to upper floors to our right, seeing a fellow Auror duelling with a Death Eater halfway to the next level. I absently took in the spacious surroundings, the expensive furniture, and the cool tones of the walls, intent on figuring out where I needed to go. It appeared that the room I was about to walk into was a living room of sorts, with a couple settees, a fireplace, and bookshelves on two walls.

Directly across from our hiding place there was a large open doorway, which was the only exit from the room. The only thing between us and that entryway was Charlie duelling intently with yet another Death Eater. I shifted Hermione in my arms and hefted her a little higher onto my shoulder. I checked the room once more, ensuring that there were no Death Eaters lurking in shadows and decided to make a run for the doorway.

_It’s now or never,_ I told myself and took a deep breath. I bolted from the stairway as fast as I could with Hermione still hung over my shoulder. It was difficult to run quickly, but I didn’t look back, knowing that Charlie would have spotted me and had my back if necessary. I ignored the grunts, gasps, and yells that echoed from behind me.

Passing through the room, I found myself in another large room. The room was similarly decorated to the previous, except it had two open doors, one to my left and one to my right. I looked between the two and decided I was wasting more time hesitating than I would by going the wrong way. I crossed over to the right and glanced into the room. The room was dimly lit and empty of any people. _Something’s not right here,_ I thought and decided to go back to the doorway behind me.

“Okay, let’s try the other way,” I muttered quietly to myself. “It’s okay, Hermione, we’re doing fine,” I said, knowing she probably couldn’t hear me. “You’re doing great and soon we’ll be home.” I felt the need to reassure her, to comfort her, regardless of whether she would remember it or not.

I moved to the far left wall and peeked into the room. Relief flooded me as I saw several of the Auror squad duelling in there, so I knew I was headed in the correct direction. Taking stock of the new room, I saw four pairs of duelling witches and wizards in different areas, including Terry Boot. This new room had three doors, including the one I was standing in, with one directly ahead of me and another one to my right. Nobody was blocking the door to my right, so I decided to make a run for it, thanking Merlin when I wasn’t hit by a stray spell.

“Are you bloody fucking kidding me?” I cried out in frustration when I saw the room I ended up in was basically a very long hallway with running tables to the side. Several smashed piles of glass were lying scattered throughout the room and I knew the duels had been tracked through here. There was only one other doorway and another staircase. _No windows._ I faintly became aware of the fact that I had not passed one window the entire time. _We must still be downstairs!_ Having this realisation, the stairs seemed to be the most logical option.

I climbed up the stairs as quickly as I could, my knees groaning under the pressure of hauling two people up to the next floor. I nearly cried in relief when I took the last step up to solid ground and saw that I was in what appeared to be the entryway of the building.

“Thank you, oh, thank you,” I said aloud to any deity listening, looking up at the ceiling and taking a full breath of air for the first time in several minutes.

Two huge doors were hanging off their hinges to my right and night air was whistling into the gaping space. The entire room was in disarray, with tapestries drooping in broken frames and scorch marks all over the walls. One quick glance in the room told me that nobody was there and I gathered my strength to make it the last leg of my journey.

_Okay, this is it. Just a little further and Ginny and I can Apparate us out of this fucking hellhole._

I could hear spells being cast outside and knew I wouldn’t be able to simply walk out. I looked out the doorway, taking stock of the situation, breathing in relief to see Harry easily holding his own against two Death Eaters. He stunned the larger of the two Death Eaters, leaving him one opponent. The ground was littered with the bound bodies of Death Eaters, and I shuddered to think what my friends had to survive to get us this far.

Harry glanced up and caught my eye as he deflected a curse. He nodded to me and I knew he would cover our escape as long as possible. After a spell connected with his opponent, he shifted his focus for a moment to yell, “She’s about a quarter of a kilometre out. Now, Ron!”

_Deep breath. Focus_.

I carried Hermione out the doorway, down the six steps, across the lawn, and through the gate, dodging two spells flung in my direction before Harry counter-attacked. _Thank Merlin Harry insisted on staying outside to cover our escape when we planned this!_ I continued moving until I felt sure I couldn’t go a step farther. I knew that I must be getting close to the edge of the wards, where Ginny would be waiting to help me Apparate with my precious cargo.

My thighs burned and my calves ached, both legs shaking from adrenaline and exhaustion. My shoulder was numb from having Hermione’s weight draped across it for the entire ordeal, yet I refused to stop or put her down even momentarily. My abdominal muscles clenched tightly as I slowed to shift her to my other shoulder, relief groaning in my joints.

Another two minutes of moving as quickly as I could and a wondrous sight began to fill my vision. Red. In the near distance, flame-coloured, vibrant, alive, hope-restoring red. I cried with joy and made a loud whooping sound when I saw Ginny start to run toward us. I knew it was safe to stop, we were safe, we had made it. _I’m so glad she’s here to help me get her to St. Mungo’s._

I pulled Hermione off my shoulder and checked to make sure she was still breathing. Her intake was shallow, but it was still there and I knew that was the best I could hope for right now. “We have a little farther to go, love. You need to be strong for me, okay? But Ginny’s here. We’re going to get you home.”

“Hermione! Ron!” Ginny screeched, finally arriving where I had collapsed on the cold ground. “Oh, thank Merlin. Is she alright?”

“No, we need to get her out of here. She has a head injury. Let’s go.”

I stood up, my muscles screaming their protest at me, but I ignored the pain and began to lift Hermione back into my arms. _Ow. Fuck, this is killing me.  
_  
“Ron, we can’t Apparate with her like this. Even with the two of us. We’ll need to use a Portkey.”

“Then you need to make one now! We’re wasting time, Ginny,” I said, my voice again cracking. _Not now. You can break down once she’s safe._  
  
“I already did. Okay, cradle her in your arms, like she’s a baby, and keep her head tucked into your body. I’ll stand in front of you two and hold her. I’ll make sure the Portkey touches all of us. Hold tight, because as soon as I activate this, it’s going to be difficult to keep her upright.”

I moved Hermione’s form into a safe position, felt Ginny surrounding both of us with her strength and calmness, and drew in a deep breath. “On three, okay? One, two, three!” Ginny activated the Portkey with wandless magic and I felt myself being pulled back roughly into a swirling vortex of light.

_Almost there, almost there. Just a little further._

Ginny tightened her grip on us and I cradled Hermione’s head more firmly against the crook of my shoulder, determined not to let it move. The swirling began to slow and I prepared myself to break away from the Portkey. “I’m going to let go on three again, Ron. One, two, three!”

Time seemed to slow down exponentially as we drifted away from the vortex. Years of taking Portkeys and falling on impact had taught me how to anticipate the ground coming up to meet us. Despite our awkward shape, we managed to keep our balance and stay upright with Hermione.

I looked around and saw that we were in the emergency Portkey arrival section of St. Mungo’s. Ginny’s arms unclenched from around me and Hermione and she was off in a whirl of commanding authority. _Oh, heaven, thank you,_ I prayed in thanksgiving for our safe arrival.

“I need Healer Longbottom right now! This woman needs a private room immediately. This is official Ministry business.” Ginny continued barking orders at every person she encountered and before I knew it, Hermione was being forcibly wrenched from my arms.

_No, don’t take her away from me!_

Despite the reprieve to my aching muscles, I suddenly was left bereft of the comfort of having Hermione nestled safely within my arms. Now that she was no longer clasped tightly to me, I feared for her more than ever. I knew it was somewhat irrational, especially given that she was being taken to an experienced healer and old friend.

“Ron? Ron!” Ginny shook my body, trying to get my attention. “Come on! They’ll need you to tell them what happened before they can really do anything!” She pulled my body forward, allowing me to lean my exhausted muscles against her slight, yet capable body. With Ginny’s help, I somehow managed to walk into Hermione’s room, where there was a flurry of activity.

A coordinated and well-practiced effort between the members of the healing team was taking place, members rushing about with intent. Neville was still nowhere to be found, but I knew he must be coming.

The healer who seemed to be in charge for now hastened forward and asked, “Who has the authority for this woman?”

“I do,” I answered her immediately. “You have my permission to do anything you need to.”

“And who are you?” she asked me.

“I’m the everything: her roommate, best friend, and for all intents and purposes, next of kin. Just save her.” I felt my breath coming in heaves, a desperate tone of my voice resounding in the room. _What are you waiting for? Help her!  
_  
“Her parents were killed years ago and she was already of age. I can assure you, you have permission. Now, what do you need to know?” Ginny again took control, allowing me to fall back onto her, to take comfort in her presence.

“What exactly happened? Is this spell damage?” the healer asked, her face becoming more serious.

“She was raped repeatedly and recently her skull was cracked against a brick wall. I tried to stop the bleeding and to repair the hole in her skull. I think it mostly worked, but there’s still damage back there. She lost consciousness just after I got to her, so I don’t know if anything else happened. She stopped breathing for about a minute, maybe more, and I had to use Muggle CPR to get her back. She coughed a bit, but she never woke back up.”

Ginny was breathing heavily as she listened to my account and I knew that it was difficult for her to hear these horrible things about her best friend. I promised myself to tell her everything that happened, because I knew that having only half the facts upset her deeply.

Suddenly a commanding voice broke into the room. “Well, then, let’s get started everyone,” Neville said quickly, clapping a hand to my shoulder and squeezing Ginny lightly. I hadn’t realised he had come into the room while I was describing Hermione’s injuries.

“Turn her onto her side and pull her hair back away from the wound as much as possible. Let’s see what we’ve got.” Ginny and I watched on as Neville – Healer Longbottom – took charge and amazed me with his confidence and decisiveness. He turned back to us, a forced smile on his face.

“Ginny, Ron, I’m sorry, but I need you to leave for the exam. Stay outside the room and someone will come to get you when we’re done. I’ll take good care of her, okay?” His voice didn't falter and he again conveyed his promise to help her with his eyes, solemnly meeting my gaze.

I nodded numbly, heard Ginny thanking him, then felt my body being propelled forward. Her reassuring hand found mine and squeezed tightly as she steered me towards the chairs outside the room. _Thank Merlin for Ginny. What would I do without her?_ My head seemed filled with cotton, yet I could hear my heartbeat thudding within my skull, reminding me that we had made it and we were alive. My breaths were fast and shallow, and dizziness was starting to engulf me.

She quickly conjured a jug of water and some sandwiches, but I barely registered her movements, my mind still on the woman who seemed always to occupy my thoughts. I could hear Ginny talking to me, but her voice was so far away, too far away. I turned my head and saw her lips moving, but couldn’t comprehend anything she was saying. I felt light-headed and my head leaned back to rest on the wall behind us.

Ginny placed a glass of cool water against my lips and I automatically began to drink it in, tilting my head back to help her accommodate the cup. _Mmm, that feels good._ I had been oblivious to how parched my mouth and throat had been. The cool liquid was immensely soothing and refreshing. I had the strangest sensation of tingles running through my chest, and my chest began to feel twinges of pain.

I continued to stare blankly at Ginny, wondering why I couldn’t seem to move, except for the continuing jerks and spasms of my aching muscles. I could tell that Ginny was still trying to talk to me, but my mind couldn't process what she was saying. The voice was calm, but concerned, seeming constant, repetitive, stable. I wanted to hold onto her voice, to somehow put a rope around it and let her pull me in to safety. _I’m trying, Gin. I’m trying._

She placed a sandwich in my hand and I noticed its weight. I felt the warmth and softness of the bread. I wanted to eat it, but couldn’t force my muscles to obey me. My body gave me two options: to sit here numbly and merely exist, or to rush back into the room and hold Hermione tightly and never let her go again. _I have to see her. I can’t just sit here. But, I can’t move!_ Anything in between those options simply didn’t exist in my mind’s understanding of the situation.

I looked down at the sandwich in my hand and back at Ginny, trying to comprehend what exactly she wanted me to do. She firmly put her hand below mine and raised the sandwich to my lips. I again opened my mouth, took a bite, and chewed it, unable to taste any flavour. I chewed and chewed, before swallowing and taking another bite. I managed to finish the sandwich, Ginny prodding me lightly the entire time. The world seemed to be spinning, a never-ending merry-go-round of blurry visions and muffled sounds.

Ginny placed a paper sack in my hands and raised it in front of my mouth and nose. I breathed deeply into it and began to feel some of the dizziness and cloudiness in my brain diminishing. She kneeled between my knees in front of me and gripped my upper arms, taking long and deep breaths herself. She was still talking and I dimly became aware of her telling me to match my breaths to hers and to stare into her eyes.

My eyes locked with her brown eyes. _Much lighter than Hermione’s,_ I thought absent-mindedly. Ginny’s words echoed hollowly in my mind as I mimicked her actions. _Take a deep breath in, push the air out, slowly, slowly, deep breath in, push the air out, slowly, slowly. Good._ As I continued to breathe into the sack, I released my left hand away to grasp at the steady, warm palm on my arm. I clutched her fingers tightly, beginning to come back to myself.

“You’re doing good, Ron, really good. Just keep breathing, okay?” Her voice began to seem louder to me and the tightening in my chest loosened immensely. I lowered the sack from my face and continued to take deep breaths, hypnotised by her constancy.

“Ginny!” I found my own voice and suddenly wanted nothing more than to be comforted and held and told that I would be okay and Hermione was safe. My eyes filled with tears as I realised that though the harrowing ordeal was finally over, another one was surely beginning in that room only yards from us. She leaned forward and her arms enveloped me in a hug, anchoring me, soothing me, reassuring me.

“You just let it all out. That’s right. It’s okay, Ron. You’re here, you’re okay.” The tears in my eyes spilled down my cheeks, but I was too overcome to feel ashamed of them. “Hermione’s safe- you saved her. They’re taking care of her. Neville’s got her. You know he’ll fix anything that’s wrong.” Her hands were rubbing up and down my back, comforting me with their steadiness. I drew in several deep breaths, trying to control the tears.

“I just keep seeing her lying there, Ginny,” I whispered. “She was dead. She was actually dead. Her heart stopped and she wasn’t breathing. She wasn’t breathing! Oh, no!” I cried out and burst into tears again, confused suddenly with what was memory and what was reality. “She’s gone, Ginny, gone. I think I died with her.” _She’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone. How can I live when she’s gone?_ I started to breathe very quickly again, trying to fill my lungs, but they didn’t want to obey.

“No, Ron, you brought her back, she’s alive. She didn’t die. She’s here, she’s safe. You didn’t die with her. You’re both alive. Look at me. Look right at me, Ron. You know I wouldn’t lie to you about this. Listen to what I’m saying. She’s alive, she’s right in that room. You brought her home safely.” She had pulled herself back from me to stare hard into my eyes. Her voice demanded nothing less than my absolute belief in what she was saying.

“She’s alive? Are you sure? But she died… she died! How can she be alive? I can’t live without her Gin, I can’t do this, I can’t-”

I felt Ginny’s small hands shaking me roughly, forcing me to look into her eyes again. “No, Ron. She’s alive. She didn’t die. You don’t have to live without her- none of us do. She’s going to be just fine. You hear me, Ronald Weasley?”

_She’s alive. She’s alive. She didn’t die? She didn’t die! She’s alive. How could I have forgotten?_ The memory of that wonderful moment when she coughed and took those first hungry breaths flooded me. I closed my eyes and focused on the picture in my mind’s eye, the vision of her chest moving up and down. I was mesmerised by the memory, by the relief that thrummed throughout my body.

“She’s alive. She’s alive. Oh, thank you, Ginny, thank you. She’s alive. I can’t live without her. I think my heart stopped- I have to see her. What’s taking so long?”

“I don’t know, but you need to relax and concentrate on your breathing for a moment. I’ll go ask when I’m sure you won’t hyperventilate again. Merlin, Ron, I never knew you were prone to panic attacks!” she said, sounding genuinely shocked by this new information.

“I’m not, actually. Between the Horcrux hunt and the Auror training, I’ve become really cool-headed and calm during these things. It’s because it’s Hermione, you know? I’m telling you, my life would be over if anything had happened to her.” My breathing had slowed considerably and my sense of reality was settled firmly back in its place.

“I know, Ron,” Ginny said softly and I knew she understood what I meant without further explanation.

“So, that was a panic attack? That was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life! I mean, the Cruciatus curse seems almost pleasurable when compared to that.” At Ginny’s raised eyebrow, I amended, “Okay, not pleasurable, but at least that’s just physical pain. I can live with that kind of pain. This was like someone had grabbed my heart and ripped it through my chest while they were squeezing on my lungs so I couldn’t breathe. And I felt like I couldn’t understand anything going on around me, couldn’t hear anything but muffled sounds, everything looked fuzzy… I felt like I was outside my body, Gin. It was terrifying.”

“I’m so sorry. It looked horrible and you completely terrified me. I thought you were going into shock or something! I suppose that’s kind of what it was, right? Not to worry, it’s over now. Really, you’re both safe.” She smiled reassuringly at me and I found myself truly believing her.

“Wow, I wonder if that’s what it feels like for Hermione when she has a panic attack.” I shuddered at the thought that my best friend could suffer through something so horrible, time and again. “Is that what it looked like to you, Gin?”

“Yeah, actually, you looked pretty much the same as Hermione when she goes through that. That was how I knew to have you copy my breathing and to breathe into the sack. I don’t even want to think how horrible it must be for her,” she said softly.

“Me either. Hey, Gin, how long have we been here?” I began to worry simultaneously about two different things. First, it seemed like the healers had been in with Hermione for an eternity and I was uneasy about the implications of them having to spend so much time with her. Second, I had just remembered that my Auror team had been at the Death Eater mansion and we still hadn’t received any word from them.

“About an hour. It’s hard to believe that less than two hours ago we were sitting about in my office, huh? I saw you walking toward me about half an hour after you left, so it must have taken you a while to get out of there.”

“Yeah, actually, I was just thinking about the squad. They’re going to have so much clean-up to do after that raid. I should owl the office to make sure they all made it back safely,” I said, not wanting to go any further away from Hermione until I was able to see her alive for my own eyes.

“No need to- didn’t you feel your phoenix? Of course, you wouldn’t have in the middle of an anxiety attack, would you? One of the Order members used it to let us know they made it out fine.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and said a silent prayer of thanksgiving that my family had gotten out safely. _They’re just tying up loose ends._ I had forgotten about the small phoenix feather tattoos Hermione had insisted that every member of the Order get on our right shoulders, similar to the Dark Mark that Voldemort used to communicate with the Death Eaters. _Brilliant, that woman is,_ I thought for the millionth time in my life.

“Well, that’s good news, but that doesn’t explain why they’ve been in there with Hermione so long though, does it?” I said, letting her know the other reason for my concern.

Ginny opened her mouth to reply when the door across from us opened and Neville, looking exhausted and slightly dishevelled, came over to sit by us. “Alright you two?” he asked, looking concerned, probably because Ginny was still kneeling in front of me.

“Yes, Ron’s just recovering from a little panic. How is she?” Ginny answered immediately, looking expectant and moving to sit in the chair next to mine.

“Ron, do I need to give you an exam too?” Neville asked, troubled.

“No. I’m fine. Just a bit overwhelmed. How is she?” I asked, repeating Ginny’s ignored question.

“Well, she did still have a small hole in the base of her skull and a sizable fracture. Ron, you did a pretty good job sealing up the wound, so I completed the job you started. She lost a lot of blood, but we managed to do some blood-replenishing charms on her. Luckily, there was little damage to her reproductive org-”

“Neville, I really just wanted to know if I can see her. I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of important information, but I need to be in a frame of mind to hear it. I can’t do that until I’ve seen her. Can you just tell Ginny everything while I go in to see her?” I knew I was practically begging, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to reassure myself that we had really rescued her after over three weeks of her being missing.

“Ron, there’s actually something really important I need…” Neville began to say, but he took a look at the desperation I knew must be in my eyes and he nodded wearily. “Yeah, go on. But, Ron, she’s sleeping. We weren’t able to get her to swallow a dreamless draught, because she was still unconscious. She’s probably going to be under for a while. The brain often shuts down to protect itself after severe head trauma, which is exactly what happened to Hermione. Don’t wake her up yet- she’s not ready. She’ll come back to us when she is. Hearing you voice will probably help her though, so feel free to talk to her.”

“Thanks, mate- for everything. I’ll get the update from Ginny.” I shook Neville’s hand, then turned to Ginny and kissed her temple, thanking her for taking care of everything.

I quickly got up and crossed the hallway to her room, anxious to see her beautiful face again, yet afraid to look. I turned the doorknob and pushed the door inward, not sure what to expect. I refused to look at the figure in the bed in the middle of the room, fear preventing me from looking upon the face that had haunted my nightmares for weeks.

Instead, I took in the details of the room itself. _Ugh, Hermione’s going to hate this place when she wakes up- there’s no colour!_ The white walls were almost blinding in their brightness and I felt a sudden urge to cover them. I flicked my wand at each wall and changed them to a peaceful sky-coloured blue, a soothing shade of tranquility. A couple more flicks and light fluffy clouds were painted onto the cool blue walls.

Taking a deep breath, I shifted my eyes to the foot of the bed my love was sleeping on. A white knit blanket lay across the bed and I absentmindedly flicked my wand at it to change the colour into a gentle blue to match the walls. I was terrified if I gazed farther up, she wouldn’t be there, that she would somehow have managed to disappear back into my nightmares. I forced my eyes to search for the proof of her existence and her safety. _Please, let it really be her._

My eyes followed the outline of her body, lying on her side, nestled within the mattress. From the curve of her calf, to the slope of her thighs and hips, I chronicled the shape of each part of her body not completely hidden from view by the light blanket. I recognised the line of her chin, the freckle near her right ear, the curly hair that even now was out of control. I memorised every detail, taking my time as I had never been allowed before.

_She’s still here. She’s in one piece. She’s alive!_ I marvelled at the realisation that she really was in front of me, that she wasn’t going to slip through my fingers again. My hand tentatively reached out to touch her, to feel her against my skin, to hold the evidence of her presence in my palm.

Her cheek was cool to the touch, so unlike the warmth that usually poured from every part of her body but her feet. My palm cupped her face and my thumb traced gentle lines along her soft jaw. I wanted so badly to have her awake and talking to me, telling me she forgave me for not finding her sooner. I needed to tell her how much I loved her, how I couldn’t possibly live without her, how I wanted to always be with her.

She stirred slightly in her sleep and I felt some of my worry ease up in knowing that her brain seemed to be working normally. At her quiet whimper, I walked around the bed and rubbed my palm up and down her back in what I hoped were soothing arcs. I toed off my shoes and settled myself behind her, continuing to stroke her back, careful to avoid her skull.

_I’m in bed with Hermione. Holy Merlin, I’m in bed with Hermione! This feels so right, so real. I’m going to have this someday- I won’t stop until she’s mine. I can’t let her go._

Her whimpers turned into soft moans and I felt my body respond, unbidden. I took several deep breaths and tried to remind myself how inappropriate it was to become turned on by my best friend who was lying asleep in a bloody hospital bed. I admonished myself, horrified that I could respond to something as innocent as a moan from a sick friend. _Oh, but Merlin, I want her so much, it actually hurts._ Reminders and warnings aside, my body reacted as it always had- it wanted her and yearned to be closer to her.

I willed myself to think platonic thoughts, but that didn’t work. I forced disturbing images into my mind, relying on old, tried-and-true, disgusting thoughts of Snape shagging Hagrid to calm my growing erection. Thankfully, my body was calmed and I returned to touching Hermione’s back through the blanket.

Deciding to take Neville’s advice, I thought about everything I wanted to say to her. Though she wasn’t awake, it was the perfect opportunity to practise saying it out loud and not become completely flustered in her presence.

“Hermione? Hermione, I don’t know how much of this you can hear, but I want to say it anyways. I promise you, I won’t take it back. I mean everything I’m going to tell you, regardless of whether you will remember it when you wake up or not. Hermione, these last few weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my life. I don’t know how I would’ve ever gone on if we hadn’t been able to save you. I don’t think I could have.”

I felt tears spring to my eyes and was not surprised that the mere thought of her dying caused a deep gloom to settle into my chest. _Never, I’ll never let anything happen to her._ I focussed on my hand moving across her body, forcing my body to recognise that she was still alive and in front of me.

“I know I never say it enough and I know I bollixed everything up years ago, but I'll do anything it takes to get you to see me, Hermione, the real me. You seem to know me better than myself most of the time, but you somehow miss the most important thing about me, the thing I never wanted to have to keep from you.”

I pulled my hand up to touch her hair, tucking an errant strand behind her ear. Her freckle called out to me, begging me to kiss it. I brushed my thumb across the freckle and knew that it would be one of the first places on her face I kissed when I was finally able to touch her.

“Hermione, do you remember that day, that awful day years ago in The Fall? That was the worst fucking moment in my entire life. Did you know that? There are so many other moments that I could’ve considered when I really hit rock bottom, but that was it for me. I turned away my best friend and the love of my life, because I was too thick and stupid to see what was staring me in the face and too stubborn and afraid to try.”

I felt a twinge in my heart as I remembered that cold night so vividly. I could picture every moment of it- good, bad, or otherwise. I wished I could change the ending of that memory. I wanted to remember her saying she loved me and merge that with another time when I declared the same to her. However, neither of those memories ended happily. _I fucked that up so badly. I'll never forgive myself for all the heartache that reckless decision cost both of us, even if I did it hoping to spare her any pain._  
  
“I told Ginny about how badly I fucked up- I know, language, but really, that’s what it was. I fucked everything up and I'd do anything to go back in time. In that moment, I fell from your good graces, and I don’t think I’ve ever fully been back in them. At least, that’s what Ginny kept telling me. In fact, Ginny told me about my ‘fall from grace’ so much over that awful Christmas, I just began to call that bloody night by the name she gave it: The Fall, with a capital T and F, because it was the defining moment of my life.”

_More like a trip into hell, without someone to pull me out._

“I think maybe you knew that, maybe you do know that. I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you already knew. You’re too brilliant to not have noticed. I’ve called autumn The Fall on purpose, hoping you might ask me about it and then I would have an excuse to talk to you about everything. I don’t know how you can continue to ignore what happened and pretend it never did or that it didn’t mean anything. It meant something to me, it still does. I need you to do something or say something. I’m going mad here not being able to do anything but sit and twiddle my thumbs.”

Hermione stirred once again in her sleep and I held my breath, hoping she would wake up and save me from myself, save me from remembering my deepest hurt, my worst mistake. She moaned softly in her sleep, but her breathing remained slow and constant. _Thank Merlin! I don’t know that I could survive if she ever stopped breathing again._ I found myself watching her breathing, relieved to see her chest inflate with air and expel it moments later. I didn’t think I would ever forget holding her in my arms and realising she wasn’t breathing.

“After The Fall, I had a go with Lavender and at first it was nice, because she was giving me attention and you were ignoring me ‘round the clock. Eventually, all I could think about was how it didn’t feel right. I mean, sure it felt good and I liked all the attention- what bloke wouldn’t? It took me a long time to realise that it didn’t feel right because all I wanted was to pull her- nothing more. I didn’t want to talk to her or hear her opinions or do homework with her. Hell, sometimes I snogged her just to get her to stop talking. I wanted to talk to you, but you didn’t want me anymore, which was probably fair, but it sucked. The best thing that ever could have happened to me was being poisoned. You came back to me and I thought I could earn back your trust.”

I kept expecting her to wake up and tell me I was telling the story all wrong or that I was being dramatic. She didn’t move, but kept her steady rhythm of breathing in and out, her chest rising up and down. _This wait is going to make me go mad!_  
  
“I thought we'd been getting on pretty well after that. I was too cowardly to break it off with Lavender, even when you told me that was what I needed to do, but that was resolved after a while anyways. I thought about you constantly. Sometimes I had to physically leave the room to stop myself from grabbing you, throwing you against a wall, and having my way with you. I know I said that you couldn’t just be a shag, but I wanted- Well, anyways, I tried to tell you, I tried to show you- so many times I thought maybe you could tell, but you always seemed to look away when I would look at you.”

I had often thought about those times in sixth year, looking so openly and directly at her and trying to figure out what the hell was going on in her head. I didn’t pretend as though I wasn’t looking or blush and turn away, but suddenly she did. It was as though we traded places all of a sudden. I didn’t know how to handle her acting so different. She'd stopped making eye contact with me and became flushed anytime I looked at her for too long. In those moments, I was almost convinced she knew my feelings had changed.

“I asked you so many times if something was wrong, but you'd just shrug and say you were fine. You were clearly not fine, but I didn’t know what to do or say. Do you have any idea how helpless you made me feel by constantly saying you were fine? I thought my head was going to explode if I heard it one more time. You started to take trips down to the lake and you'd say you wanted to be alone. That last time, I'd told you repeatedly that I wanted to talk to you about something, but you were so busy that I finally just followed you down to the lake. You couldn’t even look at me; you pulled your hands away from me. I was so upset when I realised you knew what I wanted to say. You were going to make it hard for me and make me work for it.”

_I would have done anything that would have made her listen, if that would have made her see me._

“I told you I wanted nothing more than to be yours forever and I meant it. I told you that I understood what you had been saying, that I wanted to be brave enough to try, I wanted to give you my everything, to be your everything. I tried to tell you that I love you and I know I’ve said it since then, but you couldn’t fucking hear it. You actually covered my mouth when I started to tell you I’m in love with you.”

_I finally did it! I can’t believe I finally said it!  
_  
I took a deep breath and tried to calm my heart which was beating out of control. I had dreamed of the day when I could finally tell Hermione that I was in love with her. I had waited and waited for the right moment to tell her that it wasn’t a passing fancy or just some sexual attraction. _This is real love and we both know it. I refuse to take it back, I'll never go another day without saying that to her._ I knew she felt the same way; somehow I'd felt it through our connection. It had been faint and I was worried about possibly misunderstanding the meaning, but I knew what I had felt: her love for me.

However, any of the ways I had imagined I might tell her, none of them were with her asleep or half-unconscious. I'd never thought that I would be lying in her damn hospital bed, clinging to her as if she would disappear without a trace. I'd never thought I would say it to her back instead of her face, her beautiful brown eyes meeting mine and her infectious smile reassuring me. I'd never thought I would tell her any of this, knowing she couldn’t respond back to me or possibly reciprocate my feelings, because she hadn’t really heard it. Nonetheless, I felt a sense of accomplishment for doing what I should have done years ago.

“There. I’ve said it. I can’t take it back now and you can’t bloody make me. You told me not to say something that will injure us both. I remember it clear as day and your voice haunts my dreams, because I should have forced you to listen and hear me. When you turned me down, I should’ve run after you and made you listen to me. I should’ve promised you that it was real and that I’d never change my mind. That was the second-worst moment of my life: letting you go, when I should’ve told you everything. I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m so bloody in love with you that I don’t fucking know what to do with myself. Remember when Ginny and I started to get close again? Do you know why that happened? It was you. Harry thinks I’m a bloody poof, because I started to ask her advice about you. She told me what I had done wrong and she was actually making sense! I couldn’t believe all the damn things she was saying. Hell, half of what I’m telling you is stuff she’s told me for years and- ”

“Ron,” she moaned and I nearly jumped off the bed, startled at her interruption in my thoughts. I sat very still for several moments, certain I had been imagining her saying my name. I knew I had heard something, but couldn’t quite give in to the hope that it was my name.

_I bet she’s just talking in her sleep again._ I remembered the first time I learnt of her sleep talking, that first night on the Horcrux hunt when we all began sharing the tent. It had confused me, because the next morning she'd had no idea what I was talking about.

“Oh, Ron, yes,” she practically groaned and I had to lean over her to see if she was still asleep. _She’s dreaming of me!_ I nearly whooped in excitement, delighting in knowing that she could ever dream of me in a way that would make her moan happily. _I wonder if she heard anything I said to her. I hope she did. It was so much easier to say it with her asleep.  
_  
“Oh, so good. Don’t stop. Ron, don’t stop,” she whimpered and I thought for sure my heart had stopped beating. I desperately wanted to be a part of her dream, to be living in the fantasy she was seeing in her mind. I thought with a smile that perhaps my words had fuelled her emotions to rise to the surface.

She squirmed around a bit and backed her body more fully into mine, which was reacting to her in a typical way. “Want you, so much. Please. Ron, need you,” she moaned again and this time my heart nearly split in two with desire and joy.

_She feels it too! She loves me, I just know she loves me,_ I nearly screamed in my head. I finally had the confirmation I needed of her feelings for me. I knew that as soon as her recovery was doing well, I would tell her.

“Ron, love. Nngh,” she groaned throatily and my trousers tightened exponentially.

Her breath quickened and started to come in spurts, and I was again mesmerised by the steady movement of her chest rising and falling. Her body suddenly twitched a bit and she started whimpering again.

“No, Ron, no!” she cried out, a grimace covering her features. “Stop it. Hurting. Ron!”

_What happened to the great shag dream she was having?_ I felt very confused by the abrupt shift in her demeanour. _She must be having one of the nightmares I have each night of something happening to someone I love._  
  
Her body began to shake and I pulled my left arm to brace her head gently, so it wouldn’t move too much. I scooted her body as close to mine as possible and hooked my arm around her stomach, holding her tightly. Her body under my arm felt tense and she was shaking lightly. I rubbed my hand over her abdomen softly and whispered into her ear.

“It’s okay, love. I’m here. You’re safe, I’m safe, and we’re both alive. Harry and Ginny are both okay, too.” I caressed the top of her head, and smoothed her curls, willing her to hear me and know she was safe.

“Ron, no! No, not that. Anything but that! Ron!” She squirmed around more and I feared my voice wasn’t getting through to her.

“Hermione, I know you can hear me. Listen to my voice. You’re safe, you’re free. Nobody is trying to hurt you. I’m here. It’s me, it’s your Ron.”

I continued rubbing her belly gently, feeling her tense body slowly begin to relax and meld comfortably into mine.

“My Hermione, my dear, dear Hermione,” I whispered into her hair. I revelled in the feel of this amazing woman lying in my arms. I tried to memorise every perfect inch of her body in full contact with mine. I noticed the fullness of her bottom pressed against my groin, the length of her back fitting easily against my chest, her head seeming like it was made to fit under my chin. I savoured the weight of her breasts leaning against my forearm and the warmth of her tummy under my hand.

_I can’t remember the last time I held her in her sleep. It’s been a couple years at least, hasn’t it?_

I had been in bed with Hermione before, but it had never felt as intimate as this nor had I ever felt so assured of both of our feelings. Any previous times we had shared, I had been worried about making her feel uncomfortable with having to share a bed with two blokes or trying not to accidentally touch her. We all slept together in the tent each night, but sharing a bed only happened on the few occasions when we took a room for a night during our Horcrux search.

“My ‘Mione, my love. Oh, my Hermione, you’re safe now. You’re home now. I’ve got you.” I smiled at my own words, anticipating the day that I could say them to her face and not fear her reaction, not worry about whether she would shy away from me or not.

“Mmph, oh,” she moaned lightly and shifted her position in my arms. I looked down at her and realised her eyes were fluttering. Excitement flooded through me as I waited to see if she would finally wake and come back to me.

_Merlin, but she’s gorgeous! Open your eyes, love.  
_  
Her stomach arched somewhat under my palm that was continuing to rub tenderly across her midsection, soothing her as she stretched. She whimpered softly and her body startled again. Her hand slowly moved and came to rest on top of mine, her hand now being moved by my continual motion.

“Ron? Is this real?” she whispered, sounding so vulnerable. Her eyes hadn’t yet opened and I was unsure of whether she was still talking in her sleep or not.

“Yes, love,” I said, willing her to turn around, wishing she would finally wake up.

As though she could hear my thoughts, she twisted her body and turned to face me. Her eyelids fluttered open and I caught a glimpse of the eyes I had been desperate to see. Suddenly she started to scream and pushed me away roughly, her face full of terror. I scrambled way from her, unsure what to do.

“Help! Oh, Merlin, stop! Help me, someone! Why won’t you just leave me alone?” she cried out, and my heart nearly stopped beating at hearing the fear and pain evident in her voice.

_What the bloody hell? Did they leave her blind? How can she not see that it’s me?  
_  
“Hermione, it’s me. It’s your Ron,” I said slowly, trying to calm her down. “You’re safe,” I continued, cautiously trying to move closer to her.

“Don’t come any closer! I may not have a wand, but I’m certain I can hurt you,” she screamed at me.

“Okay, okay, I won’t come any closer. Hermione, it’s just me, it’s just Ron. I know you’re scared, but it’ll be okay,” I said, unsure if my words would soothe her or set her off again.

“You’re just trying to confuse me! I know your game, you bastard! I’ll never give in to you! Help! Somebody, I know you’re listening! Help me!”

She looked so terrified and I didn’t know how to make her understand that it really was me. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to bring her back into this reality. My heart broke when I realised that this was not the homecoming I had wished for, this wasn’t at all what I had expected when she finally woke up.

_I should have been more careful about what I wished for- I never wanted her to wake up screaming,_ I thought as I heard the door being slammed open.

As her screams continued, my deepest hopes that she would snap back and realise where she really was faded into the sad reality of our continuing ordeal.

I did the only thing I could think to do. I closed my eyes and said a small prayer to whoever might be listening. _Please, Merlin, I’m begging you. I’ll do anything, but you need to do something!_  


*****

 

Thank you so much for reading.  Please review!  ~Risie~


	10. Chapter 10 - Finally Woken

  
Author's notes:

Wow, it’s been a long time since the last update. 

 

First and foremost, a huge thank you to my beta, Thevina, without whom this chapter might have taken even longer. She motivated me and inspired me to get back to this fic, encouraging my baby steps and allaying my concerns about the chapter. She is efficient, thought-provoking, and kind, and I appreciate her being here every step of the way on this fic. 

 

Another huge thank you to everyone who is still reading this fic, despite the time lapse between chapters. I had some real life situations that I had to deal with and it was hard to be away from this fic for so long. However, I truly appreciate each and every person who reviews to let me know their thoughts and how they are connecting with the story. I’ve also really enjoyed the many personal emails I’ve received in response to the fic. To everyone who has been patient and gently prodded me to update and get another chapter out, thank you for your continuing interest and your encouragement. I sincerely hope you all enjoy this chapter! ~Risie~

* * *

Wow, it’s been a long time since the last update. 

First and foremost, a huge thank you to my beta, Thevina, without whom this chapter might have taken even longer. She motivated me and inspired me to get back to this fic, encouraging my baby steps and allaying my concerns about the chapter. She is efficient, thought-provoking, and kind, and I appreciate her being here every step of the way on this fic. 

Another huge thank you to everyone who is still reading this fic, despite the time lapse between chapters. I had some real life situations that I had to deal with and it was hard to be away from this fic for so long. However, I truly appreciate each and every person who reviews to let me know their thoughts and how they are connecting with the story. I’ve also really enjoyed the many personal emails I’ve received in response to the fic. To everyone who has been patient and gently prodded me to update and get another chapter out, thank you for your continuing interest and your encouragement. I sincerely hope you all enjoy this chapter! ~Risie~ 

*****

Wake Me, Chapter 10 (Finally Woken)

 

 

*****

 

 

“There. I’ve said it. I can’t take it back now and you can’t bloody make me. You told me not to say something that will injure us both. I remember it clear as day and your voice haunts my dreams, because I should have forced you to listen and hear me. When you turned me down, I should’ve run after you and made you listen to me. I should’ve promised you that it was real and that I’d never change my mind. That was the second-worst moment of my life: letting you go, when I should’ve told you everything. I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m so bloody in love with you that I don’t fucking know what to do with myself.” 

 

I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but I knew it was Ron’s voice ringing in my ears. I opened my eyes and his beautiful face was the first thing I saw. His lips were still moving, but all I heard was my heart pounding deep within my chest. 

 

_He loves me. He loves me. He still loves me, after all these years. It’s not too late._

 

Ignoring logic or reason, forgetting my usual hesitation, I leaned forward and kissed him soundly on the mouth. His eyes widened for a moment, before he closed them and leaned closer to me. I allowed my eyes to close and I relaxed into the kiss, into the delicious sensations his lips were creating throughout my body. His mouth opened slightly, deepening the kiss, but giving me the control to take the kiss as far as I wanted. It felt so real, but I somehow knew it wasn’t. 

 

_This is a dream. I know I’m dreaming._ I knew I was dreaming, as this seemed to happen frequently these days. _That’s the problem with lucid dreams_ , I had constantly told myself lately. I often had lucid dreams, so sometimes I became aware that I was in a dream state and not reality. It was natural and expected that my subconscious would put me into situations with Ron. However, ever since I had been kidnapped, I had been having increasingly more dreams that were a bit difficult to distinguish from reality, because they were so real and I was more aware than usual of the elements of the outside world intruding into my fantasy realm. 

 

This felt different though, so unlike my usual lucid dreams. I knew the kiss wasn’t real, I knew the intimacy was my imagination, but the words weren’t my own. _I know that was him; those were his words, that was his voice!_ The last thing I remembered was seeing Ron before I passed out. I could only hope hearing his voice meant I was finally safe, finally with him. 

 

I allowed myself to sink into the dream, to enjoy the sensations, regardless of how real they may or may not have been. I felt his tongue caressing mine, its warmth tracing lightly into my mouth. His strong arms were rubbing soft lines up and down my back, his fingers causing an electric charge that his lips somehow, confusingly, were not, and I wanted nothing more than for him to clutch me to him and make me forget everything but the two of us. 

 

_There’s only the two of us right now._

 

He released my mouth and his lips found my cheek, kissing next to my ear. He began to nuzzle against my neck and feelings I had forgotten could exist in me, real passion and excitement, began a steady rise in my belly. His lips left my neck and trailed lower, moving to my clavicle. 

 

“Ron,” I moaned, savouring the way his name sounded on my lips. _I never want to hear another man’s name on my lips again._ He continued moving lower, nipping at the tops of my breasts, then licking to soothe any ache. His fingers met at the buttons on my shirt and released inch after inch of my torso. His eyes never left mine, even as he kissed each small patch of skin he had uncovered, tracing a line to my bellybutton. 

 

“Oh, Ron, yes,” I groaned, wanting to encourage him to keep touching me. His was the first intimate and loving touch I had ever experienced. Sure, I’d had sex before, but that’s all it had ever been: sex. This was love; this was the caress of someone who would never harm me, who would never force himself upon me. I welcomed his touches, wanting to replace the revolting and horrifying touches I had been coerced to endure from my memory. 

 

Ron slowly peeled the shirt down my arms and tossed it behind him without a second glance, but instead of feeling embarrassed or wanting to cover myself up, I felt desired. _I’ve never felt so wanted before._ I leaned into the kisses he was placing with a warm, open mouth along my ribcage. Slowly crawling back up my body, his fingers tracked the goose pimples rising on my skin, the calluses on the pads creating a delicious friction. 

 

He kissed my neck while gathering me forward and attempting to unhook my bra. I arched into him, relishing the feel of my breasts pressing into his hard chest and trying to give him more space to manoeuvre my bra off my body. After a moment of fumbling, I became impatient and reached behind my back to help the process along. He chuckled into my neck and whispered, “In a hurry, love?” as though he couldn’t see what I was rushing for. I knew why I was rushing though, because at any moment, this dream might be over and I would wake to the cold reality of my cell again. 

 

Finally freed from my bra, Ron’s lips immediately kissed the underside of my left breast as his fingers trailed over my right breast. _Merlin, just another reason I love when he multi-tasks!_ His tongue created the most delightful sensations, exhilarating me with how alive I truly felt for what seemed like the first time in weeks. 

 

I closed my eyes and arched my back slightly, giving him unspoken permission to do anything he wanted with me. His tongue slowly laved my sensitive skin, circling around my areola, before abruptly stopping. 

 

“Oh, so good. Don’t stop. Ron, don’t stop,” I whimpered, looking down and meeting his cobalt eyes. He groaned and then lowered his lips again, taking my breath away with the tenderness in his ministrations. 

 

_It’s not enough,_ I thought to myself, before squirming around, trying to press my body more firmly against his. I felt Ron’s grin against my breast as he released it with a pop, before he slowly kissed his way further down my belly. 

 

“Want you, so much. Please. Ron, need you,” I moaned, trying to get him to speed his torturously unhurried pace. I felt his hands skimming over me, gently tracing down my sides, while he continued his open-mouthed descent toward my abdomen, still deliberate and slow. 

 

“Ron, love- Nngh,” I heard myself groan throatily when his tongue flicked into my belly button and lingered. My breath began to come faster as I felt my body responding to him. His hands moved lower, gripping me more firmly, digging into the flesh of my hips. The sensation quickly changed from pleasure to pain and I cried out to him, “No, Ron, no- stop it- hurting- Ron,” to chastise his roughness.

 

I shuddered as I looked down, no longer seeing a Ron I recognised and loved, but a Ron who had recently tortured me. _This isn’t a dream! I’m still in the dungeon with that bastard,_ I realised and twitched, trying to get away from him. My body began shaking as I twisted around, trying to free myself from the Death Eater. 

 

“You’ll never be free of me, puppet,” his horrid voice rumbled near my ear and I nearly wretched from the sound of it.

 

_No, this isn’t real. It can’t be. I’m safe, Ron’s here!_

 

“The less you struggle, the less painful it will be.”

 

“No! I’ll never give in to you!”

 

“But you already have, my Mudblood pet, you already have.”

 

I whimpered and tried to hold in my cries as he moved closer, refusing to release me from his grasp, but settling firmly against my back and holding me flush with him. He hooked his arm around my waist and I struggled against him, my body continuing to shudder in fear and revulsion of the man who was slowly killing me. 

 

“He’ll never have you.”

 

_No._ I closed my eyes.

 

“He’ll never want you.”

 

_Stop it._ I clenched my teeth together.

 

“He’ll never need you.”

 

_No. You don’t know him!_ I tensed my muscles, trying to somehow block my ability to hear him.

 

 

“He’ll never love you.”

 

_He does love me! I’m his best friend- I know he does._ I felt his arms restraining me, his large hands rubbing over my stomach. 

 

“He’ll never find you.”

 

_He will find me. He has to._ I forced my mind to remember that he’d be here soon, that I would bring him to this prison and he’d take me away. 

 

“He’ll never save you.”

 

“STOP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, unable to take any more. Tears leaked traitorously from my eyes, though I staunchly ignored their flow, refusing to give any sort of recognition to the bastard who was breaking my soul. 

 

The impostor’s body wrapped around mine more securely and he began to rub his hand over my stomach and abdomen. I felt his hot breath in my ear and shuddered again, tensing my body for the coming invasion. 

 

“It’s okay, love. I’m here. You’re safe, I’m safe, and we’re both alive. Harry and Ginny are both okay, too.” 

 

_That’s my Ron, but where the hell is he? Doesn’t the Death Eater hear him?_ I thought about the connection and allowed myself to believe for a moment that he might have been able to figure out the spell to get inside my head without the Death Eater knowing. 

 

The Death Eater began to rub my belly again, moving lower and lower to the apex of my thighs. 

 

“Ron!” I cried, hoping he would hear me and somehow be able to save me from this moment. “No! No, not that. Anything but that!” I screamed at the Death Eater, begging him to stop, knowing he wouldn’t give in until I told him everything he wanted to know. “Ron!” I cried again, willing him to be with me, to break through the wards and take me away from this horrible place. I kicked my legs and tried to scratch the Death Eater, but he held on tightly.

 

“Hermione, I know you can hear me. Listen to my voice. You’re safe, you’re free. Nobody is trying to hurt you. I’m here. It’s me, it’s your Ron.” 

 

_Where is he? Why can’t I see him?_

 

The arms around my body loosened and fell away. I turned my head backward, suddenly meeting the eyes I had dreamt of and waited for- the eyes of my Ron, the real Ron. They were the exact same shade as the impostor Ron’s, but I would have known these anywhere; the warmth and light exuding from them couldn’t be imitated. 

 

I wondered briefly if this could all still be a dream, just one horrible, continuous dream. I braced myself to wake up, alone and cold and bruised on the dirty floor of my cell, without Ron’s eyes to calm my nerves. The disconnectedness I felt from moment to moment confused me, making the difference between dream and reality, wishes and actuality, disappear into the void where my rational mind should be. 

 

“My Hermione, my dear, dear Hermione,” I heard him whisper into my neck and I settled back, content to have him wrap his arms around me and to envelop me in safety. Ron’s chin rested on top of my head, while his hands covered the sick feeling that had settled into my stomach and rubbed away the filth of the Death Eater. I closed my eyes, letting the feelings of love and safety flow over me and through me, unsure of whether they were his or my own. 

 

“My ‘Mione, my love. Oh, my Hermione, you’re safe now. You’re home now. I’ve got you.” 

 

_Where did he come from?_ I thought briefly, before allowing myself to melt into his body and escape the horrors of reality. I vaguely became aware of thinking that I was dreaming again, and thought that perhaps my scare with the Death Eater had also been a dream. To say I was confused would have been an understatement, but Ron’s hands roaming over my abdomen banished the thoughts from my mind. 

 

My stomach gave a strange twinge and I glanced down at it, startled to find it expanded and stretched much beyond its normal dimensions. _How long have I been asleep?_ I appeared to be several months pregnant, with Ron’s freckled hand gently rubbing across my enlarged belly. I recognised the touch, the feel of him, and thought that this might no longer be a dream, unsure how that might be possible. The feel of his palm skirting across my exposed skin was far too real to simply be my imagination. 

 

My body startled and I tried to muffle a whimper as I realised I had absolutely no memory of what must have been several months passing, but relaxed again in the knowledge that Ron was still here with me, no matter what had happened. I rested my hand atop Ron’s, letting his hand’s movements propel my arm with his in a soft sweep over my belly. 

 

_If this isn’t a dream, then I must be pregnant with that bastard’s child. But why would Ron be holding me like this if that were true?_

 

“Ron? Is this real?” I whispered, breaking the silence, but for our shared breaths. 

 

“Yes, love,” he said quietly, and I had a sudden tight feeling within my chest.

 

_Love._ My heart sank in an instant. _He never calls me love- this is still a dream!_ I begged myself to fight, to wake up and somehow fight off the impostor. _Wake up, Hermione, wake up!_

 

I willed my body to turn so I was lying on my back. I concentrated on forcing my eyes open, wanting to break through the sleep cycle my body was in. I felt my eyelids fluttering, fighting with me to stay closed, but I pushed onward, envisioning them opening fully. 

 

Through the haze of my eyes clearing, I thought I saw the predictable slight sneer on the Death Eater’s face parading around as Ron. Drawing in a deep breath, I finally found the strength to awaken from my nightmare, to refuse to be a victim in his sick fantasy. 

 

I pushed, hard, and screamed with all of my might, despite not knowing who could possibly hear me. I vaguely remembered bringing the real Ron to me, or at least I thought I had, and hoped he was close enough to hear my screams and help me. 

 

_I hope he kills you, you bastard,_ I thought, without a shred of remorse. 

 

Uncharacteristically, the Death Eater scrambled off of the bed, both hands raised up as though in surrender, and looked at me with horror clear across his face. 

 

_A clever ruse, pretending to be hurt, feigning confusion at why I would scream at him._ The Death Eater’s tactics had clearly changed, relying even more on my emotional state than they had before. He was cunning, I easily realised, and he was cruel, feeding on my deepest desire for it to be Ron holding me and taking me away from this place. He took a tentative step forward and my stomach clenched uncomfortably. As quickly as I could, I moved off the opposite side of the bed to stand, clutching at the post for support, and faced him. 

 

“Help! Oh, Merlin, stop! Help me, someone! Why won’t you just leave me alone?” I cried out loudly, grief surfacing to my throat and making me sound like a lost child. The impostor stopped moving instantly and I hated him for imitating my Ron so well, for knowing he would immediately back down if I felt scared or intimidated. 

 

The Death Eater looked confused, glancing around the room, probably letting his accomplices know their attempt wasn’t going as planned. Following his gaze momentarily, I noticed that the room was very similar in appearance to the rooms at St. Mungo’s, with the exception of the walls which were a pale blue. 

 

_Big mistake, buddy, big mistake. No hospital ever has the decency to put colour on their walls. Now I’m positive this is a very clever plan to trick me into a false sense of security!_

 

“Hermione, it’s me. It’s your Ron,” he said slowly and softly, how one would speak to an animal ready to spring at any moment. “You’re safe,” he continued, taking small steps closer to me, as though I would be blind enough to not notice his slow but steady decimation of the space between us.

 

“Don’t come any closer! I may not have a wand, but I’m certain I can hurt you,” I screamed at the top of my lungs, my larynx feeling tight and scratchy and dry.

 

Oddly enough, the Death Eater again retreated. I was impressed by his seemingly unending patience for my fear, by the non-hurried sense he managed to convey. I was certain he would lose that ability, his rage flying out of him, at any moment.

 

“Okay, okay, I won’t come any closer. Hermione, it’s just me, it’s just Ron. I know you’re scared, but it’ll be okay,” he said in that same tone, biting his lip and trying to get me to believe he was actually hurt by my distrust of him. 

 

He was too much like Ron, my Ron, the real Ron. He sounded too much like him and looked too much like him and acted too much like him and I was going to break him of this torture technique. If he thought I was more likely to break because of his appearance, he had another thing coming to him. I refused to let him see that he had found a way in. 

 

“You’re just trying to confuse me! I know your game, you bastard! I’ll never give in to you! Help! Somebody, I know you’re listening! Help me!”

 

_Oh, you’re good!_ The Death Eater had the audacity to continue his charade, tears welling up in his eyes, his posturing slumping in just the way Ron’s did when he felt defeated. 

 

I let out another primal scream, this time less out of fear and more out of anger- anger at myself for being so easy to figure out, anger at Ron for not being there, anger at this charlatan for daring to soil Ron’s image, though I knew none but the last was justified. I imagined I could physically see my scream in shades of blue and red, as though the different hues could show my horror and devastation, my heart-break and weakening resolve.

 

The door of my fabricated room flew open and hit the wall and two people burst through with their wands pointed at me. _How much more can I possibly be expected to take?_ The accomplices had taken the form of Ginny and Neville and my heart plummeted within my chest. If they knew enough to recreate these friends as well, I realised that I must have somehow given them more ammunition, despite being at a loss to explain when it might have happened. 

 

The additional impostors immediately lowered their wands upon seeing me and I became more convinced of the orchestrated efforts they were all making to convince me that this was reality. 

 

“Hermione? What’s wrong?” the Ginny impersonator asked, in a perfected voice and my heart clenched at hearing my friend, yet not being able to be with her. 

 

“I won’t fall for it!” I yelled in response, resolving to ignore my emotional reactions. 

 

“Won’t fall for- Hermione! It’s me! Ginny… don’t you remember?” Her voice progressively became softer and softer, tears filling her brown eyes. For a moment, I almost allowed myself to believe it was her, but I knew better than to hope for a miracle. 

 

_Damn you!_

 

“I won’t let you play on my emotions. I know this isn’t real!” I choked out, refusing to let her tears beget tears from my own eyes. 

 

“Hermione, you’re home. I promise you, you’re home!” The fake Ginny turned slightly and looked at the lead Death Eater. “Neville, what’s happening? I don’t understand.”

 

“She’s in shock,” he said quietly, probably pretending he hoped I wouldn’t be able to hear him. 

 

“Ron?” the woman said, urgency clear in her tone. “Say something,” she entreated him and I hated her in that moment for bringing _him_ back into my conscious awareness.

 

“I dunno what to say. I mean, I tried. I don’t know what to do,” the Ron look-alike said, one hand shakily pulling through his ginger locks, the other clenched tightly by his side. 

 

“Hermione, please. Ask me something. Ask me anything,” she practically begged, and a part of me wanted to give up, to play their game with them. 

 

I thought about what they could not possibly know about. I nearly laughed to myself at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was locked in a room with three Death Eaters, about to play a game of 20 questions. Thinking rationally about my predicament, I realised that they were able to replicate Ginny and Neville because they were both relatively public figures. I would have known if they somehow had accessed my memories, as I had been aware when the lead Death Eater used Legilimency against me to get my memories of Ron. 

 

I decided to play along, hoping to buy myself some time to possibly grab one of their wands. If I asked her who my first kiss was, she would surely make the most obvious of guesses- and she would surely be wrong. It was a perfectly innocuous way to give away no new information, while hopefully distracting them. 

 

“Alright, then. If you are who you say you are, you should easily be able to tell me who my first kiss was,” I said, somewhat smugly. 

 

“I was,” she responded without a second’s pause and I gasped loudly, trying to figure out how in hell she could possibly have guessed correctly. 

 

“What?” the impostor Ron yelled loudly, in a manner far too reminiscent of the real Ron, and my heart thudded painfully within my chest. “Ginny! How could you?” he said, and had the audacity to sound hurt about this revelation, as though it meant something to him. _Bastard!_

 

“Ron, now’s not really the time to get into this!” she hissed at him, and I almost believed they were the squabbling pair of siblings I used to spend the majority of my time with. 

 

“Why?” I asked her, ignoring their clever distraction techniques. 

 

“Because you were upset and I asked if you wanted to practice,” she said, looking me directly in the eyes and I felt as though I had been pushed off a cliff. “I never expected you to get into it as much as I did though- that was quite a surprise! But you said ‘I might never get kissed if I say no’ and we went down to the lake behind the Burrow and that was that.” She smiled slightly, as though she was lost in a memory, and I couldn’t help but think she was an awfully good impersonator of my dear friend.

 

Disbelief was slowing creeping into my mind, allowing just the slightest sliver of hope that this was real, that this wasn’t some horribly cruel torture technique, that I was home. 

 

_Is it possible? I thought I brought Ron before I passed out- maybe that wasn’t a dream! But maybe they’ve captured Ginny and got that memory from her?_

 

Looking up again, I caught a shared glance between the three collaborators and the shred of hope I had been holding onto rapidly began to slip through my fingertips. I inched slightly closer to the woman, believing she would probably be the easiest to disarm, given her small form. My legs felt slightly wobbly beneath me, which was disconcerting, but utterly unsurprising, given I had spent most of the last month laying on a stone floor. 

 

Continuing our little game, I asked, “What are my favourite pyjamas?” Anybody who only peripherally knew me would assume I slept in something boring and practical, like tracksuit bottoms. _She’ll never know this one!_

 

“The red silk bottoms with the silk and lace chemise- oh, and the bottoms have a small white heart stitched in right over the hip.”

 

Hope surged through me again, but I refused to let myself be so easily fooled. 

 

“Why?” I asked her again, uncertain of whether I wanted her to be right or wrong, but knowing I wouldn’t be able to trust her answer either way. 

 

“Because they were the very last gift your mother ever gave you,” the woman said with a quiver in her voice and my heart swelled within my chest. 

 

I glanced at the head Death Eater- _Ron?_ \- from the corner of my eye and saw him biting his lip gently and looking apprehensively at me. The entire sequence was so intrinsically Ron and yet I still couldn’t allow myself to honestly believe the ordeal was over. Weeks of hoping for just this moment and then being let down weighed on me, refusing to let me see logic through my fear. 

 

“Why did I choose my pet?” I asked, knowing that I couldn’t possibly deny this being reality if she could answer this question. She was the only person I had ever told this secret. 

 

“You chose Crookshanks because of his ginger colour and he reminded you of Ron,” she said softly. “Oh, Hermione, I swear it’s really me. Look!” she said, and pulled her shirt collar away to expose the phoenix feature tattoo on her right shoulder. Her slender finger tapped the feather and a corresponding tingle registered on my own right shoulder. 

 

That last movement sealed my belief, because nobody but an Order member could activate the feathers. Even if someone else touched them, absolutely nothing happened; it was one of the safe-guards Ginny and I had worked tirelessly on, to ensure none of us could be entrapped by a false call for help. 

 

“Ginny!” I sobbed and rushed at her. In a moment she had enveloped me in her arms, and I was only aware of our mingling tears and cries, of feeling contained and safe. I clutched at her back tightly, unable to release her, not out of fear, but out of joy and relief. 

 

“We were so afraid, so afraid we’d lose you,” she whispered into the space between us. 

 

“I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again,” I admitted, knowing she wouldn’t think any less of me for my less-than-perfect faith. 

 

We both straightened up, moving to sit on the bed. I startled at the sight of the other two people in the room. Despite the fact that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that Ginny was real, a nagging doubt wouldn’t release me. _I’m being irrational! They couldn’t possibly be fake if Ginny is real!_

 

“Don’t come any closer,” I said suddenly, as Neville approached, albeit cautiously. He stopped immediately, and my fears abated, but still didn’t disappear. 

 

“Touch your feathers,” I said in a commanding tone, though inside I was whimpering and begging fate to be on my side, for my ordeal to finally be over. 

 

Without hesitation, both men pulled their shirts away from their shoulders, revealing the small tattoos. First Ron, then Neville, touched their fingers to their tattoos and two short tingles ran lightly down my arm. 

 

_It’s them- it’s really them!_

 

I slumped, exhausted and drained, into Ginny’s arms once again and began to cry. I felt so completely unable to process the fact that I was finally free. I couldn’t believe it was really over and I didn’t have to submit myself to torture every day. I clawed at her back, trying to give myself something to hold onto, and she gently caressed my hair and rocked me from side to side. 

 

Being held by her reminded me of how my Mum used to shush me and run her hands through my hair, assuring me that everything would turn out how it was meant to. When she died, Molly did the same for me that she did for any of her children: she held me. She held me and let me cry and scream and rage. She let me feel hollow and numb, because I needed to let myself go to that dark place, but refused to let me go too far; she held me anchored in her arms. I remembered what I was fighting for when she held me like that. 

 

_“I know, baby girl, I know. You just let it all out.” Her hands tousled in my hair, softly combing her fingers through my tangled curls._

 

 

_“What am I supposed to do n-now? I’m, I’m, I’m…” I dissolved into unintelligible sobs, unable to fully catch my breath. “Alone.” The one word was enough to say how I felt._

 

 

_“No. I know you feel like you’re alone, but you never will be. We love you.”_

 

Ginny’s soft cooing brought me back to the present, back to freedom and safety. “Come on, love, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

 

I sat up slightly, supporting a bit more of my own weight, then leaned heavily back on Ginny when a wave of pain hit me. _Ow, damn, that hurts!_ My head felt as though someone was hammering a nail into the back of my brain. The room seemed to be swaying around me. I whimpered and closed my eyes, determined to make it stop. 

 

“Need to lay down, Ginny,” I said and tried to lean back. I felt Ginny’s hand around my shoulders, helping me lay back slowly. Another hand seemed to come out of nowhere, and guided my back down to the mattress. 

 

Opening my eyes, I saw the owner of the second hand was Neville. He looked very concerned and I feared that his expression didn’t bode well for me. I shifted my gaze to the gap between my two friends to the lone figure near the wall. _Oh, dear, this isn’t good._ Ron was standing, shoulders slightly slumped, one hand clenched tightly by his side and the other running through his hair. My heart leapt just looking at him, seeing the epitome of home standing right in front of me. 

 

_I have to fix this!_

 

Forcing away the dark memories nagging cruelly at my consciousness, I slowly held out my hand to him and said, “Ron,” knowing it was all I could do to extend myself to him right now. 

 

He crossed the room in an instant, clasped my hand tightly within both of his, and brought it to his lips. I flexed my hand and he loosened his grip immediately, allowing me the opportunity to reach up slightly and place my palm against his cheek. He seemed to move instantaneously, pressing his hand firmly against mine and turning his face to kiss my palm gently and tenderly.

 

I closed my eyes and allowed sensory memory to take over, pushing my hand around to cup the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. He came easily and laid down next to me. _Oh, it hurts so badly!_ I ignored the pain still stinging throughout my skull and turned to lay on my side, mirroring him. His arms lightly surrounded my back and traced lines in a familiar pattern up and down my spine. 

 

I slowly rubbed my thumb over his cheek, my other fingers splayed near his ear and neck. His stubble caught against my finger over and over again and I delighted in the sensation of being able to feel something so normal. Feeling wetness against my fingertip, I opened my eyes to search for its source. A trail of tears leaked from Ron’s eye, over his nose, and onto his cheek, silently tracking their way closer to me. 

 

Shifting my hand slightly, I slid as many of the salty drops as I could onto my finger, wishing I was able to take away his pain as well as his tears. _If only it was as easy as wiping his tears and vanishing the evidence._

 

“Ron,” I said, but had no idea what it was I wanted to tell him. His brilliant blue eyes flickered open and met my gaze. I felt as though I was falling, slipping into a void where only he and I existed, a world where I didn’t have to worry about Voldemort and Death Eaters and being at war. He smiled softly at me and I swear time began to move more slowly, so that I could savour the lovely image of his ginger eyelashes blinking to cover his eyes and then opening to reveal them once again. 

 

“I thought I lost you,” he said, echoing Ginny’s earlier comment, but his words affected me in a way hers had not. My heart stopped beating for a moment, imagining the devastation I would feel if our positions had been reversed. _I would die._

 

“No, you saved me,” I said, knowing he had saved me in so many ways I would never be able to thank him enough. “You always save me,” I said matter-of-factly, because with few exceptions, he was always the person to come to my aide, to come to my side. 

 

“I thought I wouldn’t be able to get to you,” he said, tears still springing from his eyes, but much more slowly than before. 

 

“But you did. You did! I’m here, with you,” I said to him, tears rising in my own eyes. 

 

“You almost weren’t,” he whispered back to me and pulled me closer to him, eliminating the space between our bodies. His arms tightened around my body almost before I realised he was moving. “When you stopped breathing… Fuck! Hermione. Hermione, I- I’d die without you,” he practically sobbed into my neck. “I wanted to die when I thought you were gone.”

 

In that moment, I realised my self-exile from our would-be relationship was punishing both of us. We had so much shared history, so much to overcome, but I honestly couldn’t think of a single reason to resist anymore _._ Not an important reason, at any rate. 

 

It was clear that a good portion of my life had been leading up to this moment, to this moment of knowing that it was safe to let down the walls and let myself open up to him again. I knew I could choose to maintain the status quo, I could choose to interpret his words the way I needed to if I wanted to stay at an emotional distance. I could choose to believe he was talking about how losing his best friend would have devastated him. 

 

_Enough of the second guessing and refusing to see what’s in front of me!_

 

Instead, I chose to accept his words as I knew he truly meant them in his heart. I knew he loved me, had really suspected that he had for years, just as he had claimed all those years ago by the lake. After that heartache so long ago, I couldn’t force myself to fully believe he would want me, that he would love me more than he would love anyone else. I had stubbornly decided against reason for too long, refusing to see and hear all of the mountain-sized hints he courageously gave me time after time.

 

_No more,_ I told myself, before putting my hands on either side of his face, tilting my head slightly, and kissing him softly on the lips. 

 

As far as kisses go, it was probably the most tame I had ever given a man- merely lips clinging lightly together, with absolutely no movement, suspended within a stretched moment in time. And yet, somehow, it was so much more. It was a promise to give myself to him, to not have either of us suffer alone without the other, to trust him with what I had previously withheld in so many ways: my heart. I was knocking down the walls I had constructed within my heart, brick by brick, allowing myself to give in to a long foregone conclusion: we were meant to be together. 

 

I vaguely heard Neville clearing his throat and thought we should probably continue this later, despite being hesitant to let this moment go. I pulled my head back slightly, but his followed mine and the contact between our lips remained momentarily before he released me. 

 

His arms once again tightened against me, but instead of feeling secure, I felt restrained. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, an odd expression of triumph on his face, and I saw the sneer I thought I would be forever rid of. 

 

“You’ll never be free of me, puppet.”

 

 

_No. This isn’t real!_

 

“He’ll never have you.”

 

_Stop it. This is all in my head._

 

“He’ll never want you.”

 

_Get out of my head!_

 

“He’ll never need you.”

 

_No. He does need me, he said so!_

 

 

“He’ll never love you.”

 

_He does love me! He said he wanted to die without me!_

 

“He’ll never find you.”

 

_He already found me. I’m safe. I’m at St. Mungo’s with Ron and Ginny and Neville._

 

“He’ll never save you.”

 

_Fight back, Hermione! Stop being such a coward and fight it. This isn’t real- it’s exactly what he said in the dream!_

 

“Stop it!” I screamed at myself, my eyes clenched tightly, as though I could mentally reach in and grab the demons that were already haunting me. I pictured the voices disappearing into an abyss, being swallowed up by a nameless darkness. “Leave me alone!” 

 

I felt the bed shifting as Ron loosened his arms and pulled away from me. “Hermione, what’s wrong?” he said in a concerned voice, but I couldn’t help the shudder than ran through my body. “Neville, what’s going on?”

 

Looking up, a shudder again passed through my body at seeing my attacker. _No, this is Ron,_ my mind tried to yell at me, but I couldn’t force my memories into the cellar and throw away the key. The devastated look on his face crushed my heart, because I knew I was unintentionally hurting him, yet I couldn’t seem to stop the shuddering that occurred each time I looked at him. 

 

“I think she’s in some sort of post-traumatic shock and she’s having flashbacks. Something is triggering her and causing her to have difficulty distinguishing the flashbacks from reality,” Neville said, but his voice seemed so distant. I could hear his voice, but it sounded so far away and my eyelids felt so heavy. 

 

I felt the bed shift again as Ron got up and moved to stand. He leaned over me and my body twitched involuntarily in fear, bracing itself unnecessarily against my best friend. He sighed heavily and kissed my forehead, pushing my hair away from my face. 

 

“I would never hurt you, Hermione. You have to know that,” he said quietly, and shame flooded through me. Yes, I knew logically that he would never hurt me, but I couldn’t force my body to pay attention to logic. _Seems to be a standard problem for me._ Really, wasn’t that why I had been fighting my body throughout this entire ordeal? It simply refused to do what I commanded it: it responded with arousal when I demanded that it be disgusted and horrified and it responded with revulsion and fear when I begged it to respond with feelings of love and safety. _This is so fucked up!_

 

“So tired of fighting, Ron. I’m so tired. Why is it never easy?” I said, not knowing entirely what I was talking about. The pain in my head came into focus again and the pounding and stinging brought tears to my eyes. “It hurts so much. Please make it stop,” I pleaded aloud, hoping I could convey how lost and alone I felt, how much I needed someone to just take care of me. 

 

“Hermione, I know you’re tired, but I really need to examine you before you go to sleep again. I’m so sorry,” Neville said in a gentle voice. 

 

My body tensed, already on edge, despite knowing that Neville would never hurt me. I thought briefly that I should be embarrassed to have a good friend caring for me as my Healer, but it seemed fitting. Any discomfort I might have felt with having a personal friend examine me was easily eclipsed by the thought of having a stranger poking and prodding my body. Besides, I knew I would rather be treated by an Order member than someone who I didn’t know and who I had no clue of their affiliations. 

 

“I understand. Can somebody stay though, to distract me?” 

 

“I’m sorry, Hermione, but I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Neville shared a glance with Ginny and a heavy sense of foreboding hit me. 

 

“Why?” Ron asked, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I didn’t want another flashback to happen; I didn’t want to remember what it felt like to have someone in his image harming me and taunting me. _It wasn’t him! Why can’t I separate it out?_ I was terrified to realise I was afraid of my own best friend, who had done nothing but be present in my memories, by no fault of his own. I knew, deep down inside, that it wasn’t my fault either, but I couldn’t help but feel responsible for the pain he was experiencing as a direct result of my distance. 

 

“Ron… I think it’s important for me to maintain Patient-Healer confidentiality. It’s protocol, Ron, Hermione, let me follow it.” Neville looked me in the eye and waited for my response. I glanced over at Ginny, noticing her biting her lip roughly and twisting her hands. 

 

“Neville, are you sure I couldn’t stay with her?” Ginny asked. “I promise I won’t get in the way,” she said softly and moved closer to my bedside. My heart filled with love and appreciation for her and the ways she tried to take care of me. 

 

Looking back up at Neville, he met my gaze and sadly shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I really can’t. I’ll take good care of her, you know I will. You can come right back in, as soon as I’m finished,” he said firmly. I knew it was the end of the discussion, but couldn’t help feeling disappointed and apprehensive. 

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, preparing myself to be examined. _It’s just Neville- he’s a professional and he’s my friend. I trust him._ I forced myself to remember that this was in the interest of my health. I forced myself to think that this would hopefully be the last time I had to be in such a position for a long time to come. 

 

“Think of me and smile,” Ginny whispered softly in my ear, before she kissed my cheek and hugged me gently. I felt a genuine smile tug at my lips as I opened my eyes and connected my gaze with hers, inches from my face. “I’ll be here with you the whole time,” she whispered again and placed her hand over my heart. 

 

“Hermione,” Ron said and took a step towards the bed. I again felt the twitching within my body, but I forced my limbs to become still. 

 

I smiled softly at him, but his expression in return was filled with so much pain and sadness that I had to look away from him. I was overcome with sorrow and knew I had to reassure him that I still trusted him, because he was obviously blaming himself for my distance. I whimpered slightly, partly from the pain and soreness in my body and partly from the heartache I was feeling. _When will it all go away?_ I had never imagined this would be my response to seeing him and it was more than I could bear. 

 

I turned my face back in time to see Ron turn around, defeated, and head toward the door without saying anything. His shoulders were slightly slumped and his gait was slower than usual, as though an invisible string was pulling him toward the door and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to leave or not. 

 

“Ron, it’s not you, it’s my damn head. It hurts so badly and it’s throbbing like mad. I wish it would stop so I could rest for a minute. I’m so tired.” He kept walking closer to the door and my heart clenched tightly with each step that took him increasingly far from me. 

 

“Ron,” I called out to him and he stopped walking, but didn’t turn his head. _Please don’t walk away! I can’t bear anything else._ I saw him take a deep breath and then straighten his shoulders, still not turning around to face me. 

 

“I’ll be here when you’re done, love,” he said quietly. He grasped the doorknob, opened the door, and walked out without another word.

 

_Love._ I fought the tears rising in my chest, feeling so helpless and guilty for the pain I was causing him.

 

“Ginny?” I asked, knowing I didn’t need to articulate what I needed from her. 

 

“I’ll talk to him- I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry, we’ll be back soon,” she said and followed Ron out the door, closing it behind her. 

 

“Okay, Hermione, I want you to take a deep breath and just relax and we’ll begin,” Neville said, coming around to the right side of the bed. The look on his face brought my focus back to what I had been feeling before, when he and Ginny shared a glance: apprehension and fear of the future. 

 

Deep breath, _one, two, three_.

 

“Neville?”

 

Deep breath, _seven, eight, nine_.

 

 

“Hmmm?”

 

 

Deep breath, _thirteen, fourteen, fifteen_.

 

“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

 

Deep breath, _nineteen, twenty, twenty-one_.

 

“Yes.”

 

*****

Thank you so much for reading!  I would love to hear what you thought of the chapter, if you would be so kind as to leave a review.  Thanks, again!  ~Risie~

*****

Want more information about lucid dreaming? This is a pretty reliable site: 

[ **http://www.dreamviews.com/whatislucid.php** ](http://www.dreamviews.com/whatislucid.php)

 

[](http://www.dreamviews.com/whatislucid.php)


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